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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Mirabelle Offline
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I'm a wreck - March 24th 2018, 02:53 AM

I'm on tour, but have taken a break until after Easter because of my music commitments. And then a wheel dropped off and I'm a mess. I don't know where to begin...

I'm at my aunt Fiona's where it's safe. I only come here when times are rough and it's been a long time since I was last here along the Côte d'Azur. Earlier this evening they'd switched venues so they flew me and my band across to France where we were late starting, but I thought it was all cool and good to change concert venues, but recent life events had to get in the way of my performance onstage when mid-song I got overcome by the memory of all ot it and my voice broke with emotion...but my band continued though they were looking worried.

Some guy up front in the audience called out "Chante en larmes - tu es belle quand même!" Translated it means "Sing in tears - you are beautiful anyway!" Tearful I called back "Merci! merci!" and waiting for my band to repeat, resumed my song. Just that my crying through it only made my fans all the more adoring which made me feel so undeserving, you know? If only they knew..the emotional mess I've been in lately; the breakup with Jules; being very frightened from having a stalker (the guy's still in jail, bail refused), and prior to him the rush of fans in town, plus my issues with being bullied and my dratting badass shrieking historian aunt being taken away from me for behaving absolutely appallingly awful last Wednesday night, legless on Lambrusco and foul mouthed with it - and then last Thursday I plastered a persistant Italian guy with a soda syphon for pursuing me, and then had his mama screeching abuse for ruining his best Amani jacket - oh fuck off willya holy smokes wazzamatter with them Italians? If I wore a top hat emblazoned with IMA LESBIAN MUCK OFF WILLYA? on it - the guys would still keep bugging me like flies.

My older aunty Fiona has taken over - but I'm a mess. My mascara has run and I look a goth with birds nest hair and I'm still buzzing from the residual adrenaline off the concert, but I stopped drinking now cos it messes up my head and earlier I totally lost it in my hotel room.

I guess you're reading all this and thinking pretty bad of me, thinking I was strong and stuff. Well I am not. Im a freaking mess. I'm in pieces. I lost a best friend and she'll never come back and I'm scared of saying sorry cos I've been hurt, hurt time and time again and shitted around by people hating on me. The pressure of this music business is immense. Its relentless. I pulled away from living with a champagne swilling mega rich family who thought nothing but their selfish bloody selves and then get adopted by a ratarsed foul mouthed historian bint, and then get passed off to my lovely Fiona - uh-ohh, she's only married to a music boss who is connected with my previous family - and I have to perform with my band Jules gave me as a parting present - but it's being on constant contract and travelling countries between concerts. The money's incredibly good, but the dangers my late mother warned of didn't sink til now.

Earlier we did a 3 hour set - that was long! But our supporting band never turned up. I suppose on looking back it was a great concert except for my breaking down and crying and I still feel I don't deserved the adulation. And despite the problems at home theres another concert tomorrow just long the coast in France where we are now. But I don't know how long I can keep this up, or the notoriety or the drinking onstage.

I want to go home to my house in the country. Cuddle owly, bury my face in her wings enfolding me into her. And cuddle Wolfy all smelling of wet dog. I want to wake up to brand new day, take my darling's hand and find a quiet glade in the woods for us, or go down to the beach with my angler friends. No press cameras there. No reporters demanding to know why I smashed up my hotel room, getting their mikes in my face and blocking my way to the limo. And no seeing my face on French televison thank you very much.
   
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Re: I'm a wreck - March 24th 2018, 02:20 PM

Maybe you can find some positive ways to cope with your feelings. For instance, if you're sad you cant talk about it, write about it, cry or do things that help lift your spirits.

It seems like you're quite busy! Do you have time to do self-care things to help increase your mood? Perhaps you can take fifteen to twenty minutes a day (or more) to do things for yourself. Sometimes taking some time to recharge can do a world of good in helping with stress.


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Nature does not rush, yet everything is accomplished
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Memories made in the mountains stay in our hearts forever
Move the body, quiet the mind
   
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Re: I'm a wreck - March 24th 2018, 05:32 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by cynefin View Post
Maybe you can find some positive ways to cope with your feelings. For instance, if you're sad you cant talk about it, write about it, cry or do things that help lift your spirits.

It seems like you're quite busy! Do you have time to do self-care things to help increase your mood? Perhaps you can take fifteen to twenty minutes a day (or more) to do things for yourself. Sometimes taking some time to recharge can do a world of good in helping with stress.
How lovely and caring of you to reply.

I absolutely do self-care and cherish the moments because it is essential. Most times it's meditating in my quiet room when at home, or this afternoon after two hours of busking in Saint-John-Cap Ferrat, I returned to my aunt's villa to strum my guitar and let its mellow sound soothe my troubled heart. It's a rare 2005 Martin Celtic Knot hand built of only 36 and a most beautiful gift given me by a loving friend in my family.

I like taking walks, too. Some lonely place like along the beach; occasionally I see a pretty shell and pocket it. Or, I may sit awhile and read a novel onto my phone. But once home after our tour, then will spend time with my owl who imprinted on my sister and me.

I'm 17 now, but when I was dreadfully young became pregnant and gave birth to Harriet. She brightened my life for two memorable lovely years, but tragically passed away from pneumonia. February 20th marked her passing, and even during unexpected moments I double up and cry because that is all I can do, holding my bright blue eyed little girl in my memory. I had grief counselling, but still I could not be consoled and doubt that even with the passing of time, remembrance for Harriet will never lessen. My daughter's life was cut irreversibly short, but her love lives on forever.


Two years of motherly joy with my little one have taught me is that life is so unbelievably fragile. Life is not promised, do you hear me? We are but one breath, one heartbeat from it being over. We must savour every moment, every breath, and be thankful when you open your eyes in the morning.

When I look into the night
I see a sea of stars
Every single one a constellation
In brightly shining silver veil.
There are stars so far away
We only see their light long after they are gone.
Their memories keep shining ever brightly
Though their time with us is done.


Harriet is gone now, but being her mum albeit a very young mum was the best gift I have ever been given.


And returning to the present, I feel better now and more able to carry on. Another concert awaits later this evening. I think all the troubles with my previous aunt and upset in Italy are over past and done with. I will arise and walk the stage and bring joy to those who are waiting.

Once again, cynefin, thank you. For your help, your compassion.

Belle
   
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Re: I'm a wreck - March 25th 2018, 10:13 AM

Hey!

Welcome to TeenHelp! I hope you find this place as comforting, loving and caring as I found when I first came here. Know that this is one of those few places you can be completely open and honest about how you feel. We are a family here and nobody will judge you for anything you say, so feel free to be open and ask for help when you need it.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your child, it's so unfair that you only got to spend two short years with her before she was taken away from you. It is true that your remembrance of her will never fade. She will always be an important part of your life. The loss you feel will never truly fade away, but do not despair, because it will get easier to deal with it as time passes. Time will heal you. You're going to be okay.

I'm glad you have an owl, pets can be very comforting. Also, I hope you find some relief and escape through your music. Know that it's okay to cry. What you're going through is natural and it's okay to feel the way you do. You're not alone in this. I'm sorry you started crying during the concert, but that's okay. You're only human. It's okay to feel. I'm glad the audience understood you and were a comfort to you. They adore you for your music. They may not know what a mess you feel on the inside, they may not know what you're going through or even understand what it feels like to be you, but they still care about you, in their own way, and you don't have to feel bad about it.

I feel for you. If there's anything you need, feel free to send me a Private Message or drop by my profile and send me a Visitor Message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

I may not be able to relate with you on everything, but I love listening, so if you ever feel like you need to rant/vent or need someone to talk to, I'm here.

Take care.
Love. - xx


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Last edited by DeletedAccount30; March 25th 2018 at 10:36 AM.
   
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Re: I'm a wreck - March 28th 2018, 08:55 AM

Thank you @Loveyalots. so much for what you wrote, especially mentioning the board being a 'family'. Having been adopted twice, life has not been kind to someone so young as me. This I may explain later in a blog, so my friends here will see what I've been through since Christmas last.

Being a musician makes it difficult to have real life friends. People see me as a star fulfilling their dreams through music and lyrics, my music making them feel good things from what they came to watch. Onstage I become empowered, projecting a character that belies the real person underneath, because privately I am self-effacing and very shy with a fear of being hurt. Breaking a crowd of 70,000 and seeing them dance and singing makes me feel so good, and my band members are great at playing their best. If for only two to three hours we can make them live the music, then coming away from a venue makes me feel like I've had the best conversation of my life. But meet me in the street and I'll be a disappointment to you, because in real life my music doesn't define who I am.

We give a lot to charity, mostly to Centrepoint, a charity that helps give young homeless people a future. If we can change the life of just one person, then we will have achieved our dreams.

My band is Celtic Rock with a bit of progressive trance thrown in. I suppose we could be likened to The Waterboys. They are super.
   
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