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Question Just plain confused - October 12th 2009, 06:08 PM

I am writing this out of total confusion, I feel the worst I have done in quite a long time. My hands are even shaky - and I don't know why.

So here's my life so far, I'm not someone who talks about feelings but I'm trying to be more open and begin to understand myself so I'm writing down everything I think has affected me and perhaps someone can try and 'help' me.

When I was 10 the first bad thing happened in my life. My nan died. My mum became seriously depressed. She never saw anyone for her condition and in a way I was looking after her. I barely saw her smile for a good couple of years, she was often breaking down, tearing her hair out, screaming, punching things etc. It scared me at times, I won't lie.
I'm not sure how much of my memories and blurred or distorted but that's how I recall it.

Recently my Mum has been in a much happier state of my mind but last month my Grandad had a nervous breakdown and is now on medication for depression and anxiety. He's not himself and it distresses me when I'm see him like this.

The thing is, it's not just them , my mum has aunts with bipolar disorder on both sides of her family. In fact most of my Mum's family has some form of mental health problem.

The thing is, I'm going the same way - because I'm so scared of it most likely.

I've always been the cheerful glue of the family until about a year ago. Last year I lost my sense of humour and when my friends teased me about me being a lesbian , I fell apart. Although I had previously never had any thoughts about the same sex, I began looking at girls differently - even thinking of coming out to my Mum until one time the teasing turned almost into bullying and I lost it and I screamed for it to stop. For once this cry was heard and my friends apologised and it all went away. I felt so much better for it. My mood had taken a strain on me and my Mum's relationship but when the teasing stopped , it was restored - stronger than ever.

It was all good for a while, brilliant in fact but it goes in a cycle because of hormones and the lark. The thing is I am writing this because I feel really low at the moment, my mind can't concentrate, I have no energy and I just want to go to bed and wake-up better.

The main reason I'm writing on here is because is to ask why do I have to be so melodramatic, I know people with real serious problems and yet here I am whining on again. It's like I feel like there's loads to be upset about but when I look around I probably have life easier than most.

I don't know what I'm expecting in replies, I'm sorry for going off on a tangent. Apologies.
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confused, plain

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