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BardofSongs Offline
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I finally figured myself out, and it's ridiculous. Come see. - December 27th 2009, 11:43 AM

Basically, I don't care about people. Not my mother, my father, my brother, or any of my oldest friends. At first I thought it was just simply who I was, or a personality disorder, or something of that nature. I've since discovered that I choose to be this way... Why? That takes some explaining.

Though I "choose" to be this way, I don't necessarily want to be this way. I'm waiting for something or someone to help me reconnect to people. Alone, I am unable to do this, so I'm seeking an enabler of sorts. Someone or something that will help me care about others again.

I only realized this because of the stories... I would get horribly sad or depressed after finishing a book or television series. I found it odd I would get sad over a TV show and not losing an old, real-life friend, so it lead me to this conclusion of sorts: I want to love people again, but until I find someone or something that can teach me how, I will be left with just stories to invest my emotions in to. I guess the characters I loved in those stories were the sort of people I am hoping to find, to reconnect me. Finishing the story at hand meant losing those characters and that chance to reconnect, even though they were always just stories from the very beginning. I've been pursuing these stories, and the immense pain associated with finishing them, as a crutch for the real thing. It has been one painful ending after another for years, and it probably will continue to be this way for awhile.

Now that I've finally gotten a grasp on myself, I guess I'll bring some closure to this:

When I was depressed not so long ago, I loved nothing. I thought I had finally found something to love, these stories... A passion I would use to change the stars, so to speak... But I see now that the only reason I held that passion so dearly is because it was a phantom of the past for me. The stories that I loved were really just ways for me to reconnect to something human... However indirect.

So that puts me here! After figuring out my own true intentions behind all of this, I've revised my reason(s) for living a small bit. I'm going to keep fighting for old goals, but I'm also going to fight for some new ones. One of which is finding that someone or something that will help me care again. I'm sure it's a very tough thing to swallow. "Caring about people" or "reconnecting to people" shouldn't be something that is out of my own hands, but it is, and probably because I've removed my own ability to do so. Why would I do that? Because it is a good story to share!

That is the way things are for me now, and I've come to peace with the issue. No more conflicts, no more doubt.

Last edited by BardofSongs; December 27th 2009 at 11:59 AM.
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TheBabyEater Offline
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Re: I finally figured myself out, and it's ridiculous. Come see. - December 27th 2009, 06:17 PM

I'm glad you've figured it all out so far. It's a hard thing to do really... A lot of people simply don't know themself at all or whats wrong with them. I think I'm one of them.

I know what it's like to be disconnected to people. Maybe not as much as you, but a little taste of it at least. I mean, I had friends and everything but I never really opened up to them and during the last move, I didn't even tell them I left simply because I stopped caring. Since then I've opened up to one of those friends who's now my boyfriend, and now sometimes it hurts that I left that amazing place... It sucks to feel like shit over moving, but at least I care now. I felt a little guilty every now and then not really caring that I left all my friends there behind without even texting one to say I was moving away.

But my boyfriend kind of helped me care about people againeven if he didn't realize he was doing it. Hell, he did it before we even started going out at all simply by caring about me. So I'm positive you'll find someone to help you through this. Maybe if you look around, you might already know someone who could.

Just find someone who cares about you, even if it seems you couldn't care less about them. I dont know... what worked for me was just that I kept thinking about how much this guy cared if something happened to me and all of a sudden I started to give a damn too.

Hope this helps. I think I mostly just rambled. lol =]

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