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Lightbulb Root Of My BPD? - January 28th 2010, 07:53 PM

Today I was talking with one of my inner children, "vulnerable child",
who was scared of the "bad people" hurting her by going bye-bye and
not caring when she cries. She listed my Mother, Father, Grandmother,
and Wendy as people who went bye bye and said they don't love her. She
seemed to justify that she needed love by saying she's "no big girl"
because she can't cross the street, drive a car, or cook toast
correctly (when i was 4 or 5 i tried to make my parents breakfast in
bed and the toast set off the smoke detector and I was upset I messed
it up.) So i went and asked my mom some questions about my child hood
and here's what I found out: when i was between 3 and 5 my mom would
have to sleep at the hospital because she was on call about ten times
a month. My mom and I both recall me crying when she would leave for
work saying in tears "You love your patients more than me!" My parents
went on a vacation by themselves about once a year. i was always
someones full time job and the nanny who lived with us (Wendy or
DeeDee as i called her) stopped working for my parents when i was
about 3 and a half. I went through a few babysitters at age four
(including one who would lock me in my room for hours a day while
blasting music to drown out my screaming) , before my family finding
Jo Ann at age 5 and her babysitting me for the next 4 or so years. My
paternal grandmother died when I was in first grade of breast cancer.
She was my favorite person in the whole world. I was someones full
time job until i was 8 or 9.

I think I acted out a lot of things through play: my abandonment
issues by having my imaginary brother and sister get on a bus to go to
summer camp then never come home, being locked in my room/yelled
at/spanked by a babysitter at age four by imitating those actions on
our kitten when i was five by screaming at her, locking her in
cabinets for "time out" etc.

Today I have borderline personality disorder, and part of that for me
is chronic feelings of emptiness and an intense fear of abandonment.

Have I unraveled the reason I have this crippling mental illness?



When the patient's body has betrayed them,
and all the sciencewe have to offer has failed them,
when worst-case scenario comes true,
clinging to hope is all we've got left.
-grey's.anatomy-
   
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Re: Root Of My BPD? - January 28th 2010, 09:16 PM

Perhaps you have, yes. I mean, BPD is normally caused by some kind of trauma, particularly forms of abuse. The fact that you felt emotionally neglected all those years could've easily had an effect on your mental health.

Maybe you should discuss this with your therapist/psychiatrist. I mean, having an idea of what went wrong could easily be a progressive step to getting better.

Remember, anytime you need to talk you can PM me.
   
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Re: Root Of My BPD? - January 30th 2010, 06:01 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by ☣ ArcAngel ☣ View Post
Perhaps you have, yes. I mean, BPD is normally caused by some kind of trauma, particularly forms of abuse. The fact that you felt emotionally neglected all those years could've easily had an effect on your mental health.

Maybe you should discuss this with your therapist/psychiatrist. I mean, having an idea of what went wrong could easily be a progressive step to getting better.
..................
ArcAngel said what needed to be said. I just have this to add, talk also to your parents, talk to them as you need them too. They are just as important(if not more) as your psychiatrist.
   
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