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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
cheeseball Offline
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chronic liar? - March 17th 2010, 09:13 AM

I am a liar.

plain and simple.

I know I lie, but I don't know why. I don't why I lie in the first place, or what I even want to accomplish from lying. I just lie for the sake of lying. The only person who continually catches me at it is my mom. The rest of my family and my friends have no idea that I lie. The thing is, I don't want to lie, but i always end up lying. I always tell myself "from now on, I will tell the truth." but a day later I'm lying again.

My lying has taken such a big toll on my relationship with my mom and I want my lying to stop, but I don't know how. I've tried forcing myself to stop, i've tried bribing myself to tell the truth, but I end up lying anyway. I lie about tiny things like whether I ate what my mom told me to eat, up to big things like whether I studied for a major exam or not, once, I even lied to my friend on instant messenger telling him that i needed to go because someone called me, when the truth was I needed to go because i had to study. My lying then was completely pointless, i'm pretty sure he wouldn't have minded if I had just said, I need to study, but i still lied. I recently had another argument with my mom about my lying and we haven't been speaking for four days now. Once we didn't talk for almost two weeks, also because of my lying.

I've been researching for the past hour about compulsive or chronic lying, and it says that compulsive or habitual lying usually results from a traumatic childhood experience wherein you find the need to lie and after a while, this becomes comfortable so you lie and lie again. In my case, I don't think I have ever suffered from a traumatic childhood experience. When I think of why I lie, it's as if I lie just for the sake of lying.
or simply put, I lie because I can.

The thing is, I don't want to live like this. I want to be able to say something and have everyone, especially my mom, believe me without a trace of doubt. I want to tell the truth. I want to be honest and trustworthy, but how?

Why can't I just tell the truth?

Why do i find the need to lie? Even when it doesn't get me anything?

Do I really need therapy?

What do i do?
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
jamesbrookman Offline
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Re: chronic liar? - March 18th 2010, 07:48 AM

since you have tried by ur self to stop lying and didn't work out..i think getting a therapy would be a good idea and don't worry too much, first step of changing is to accept your mistake and you have did that!
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: chronic liar? - March 18th 2010, 09:03 PM

Well, it's definitely good that you can see and admit that you lie often.
If you don't succeed to stop lying on your own, maybe you should try to talk to your doctor.
Here, nobody can give you a diagnose. We are no doctors, nor are we psychologists.
I think that you really should talk about it with a professional. Do you like you doctor? Can you talk with your doctor? If not, you can go to the school counsellor, or your mentor at school or the school psychologist. Or is there an educator at your school? If you explain exactly like you did here, your problem, I'm sure they will understand and they will be able to decide which help you need. It's no shame to go and talk to a psychologist or a therapist. A lot of people do!

Good luck, and if you need help, you can always PM me!
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: chronic liar? - March 18th 2010, 10:22 PM

Hey there!

First of all, Welcome to TH. I'm glad you reached out for help. Lying is actually a bigger issue then many people realize.

I am a compulsive liar. I'm in therapy and on medication for depression and borderline personality disorder. They said that a lot of my lies are to cover up how I truly am feeling, or to fit in. Just an idea but, does the friend you lied to not study? Does he not need to study because he is so smart? Does he think people who study are nerds? Do you feel like, telling him you were studying would have made him think differently of you?

Many times there are reasons why you lie. Like with your mom. If she asked you to eat something and you didn't, then you lie so you don't get introuble. If you didn't study for an exam and she asked, again, your lying so you don't get introuble. Viceversa, if you did study and your telling her you didn't, you may want that attention. Maybe because you want to know she cares about you, what you eat, and your grades. Its weird to hear that you want attention, but its totally not uncommon. Tons of people crave attention. They don't want to be in the center but, sometimes we just don't get enough attention to satisfy us. Now, if none of this sounds like you, thats okay. It just was my observation.

So, "Why can't I tell the truth."
You said your a chronic liar. But it seems like it is something that is kind of out of your control. No matter how many times you try to stop, it just keeps happening. That fits a little bit more with compulsive liars. When your a compulsive liar its easy to get yourself in the routine of lying. It can get you out of trouble, get you attention, satisfy someone elses curiosity. Again, I don't know your situation, just an observation.

Why do I need to lie? Even though it doesn't get me anything?
Truth- every lie gets you something. Even if it is just the sheer comfort in lying. I know that sounds weird. Comfort in lying? Its true. Sometimes it is more comfortable to lie. Even if you lie about something silly like, if you sleep with your door open or closed. Usually you want some sort of emotion out of the other person. Such as, "Wow, weird, I've never met someone who sleeps with their door open" Or, "Did you know your supposed to sleep with your door closed incase your house catches on fire." When lying, even subconsiously, your looking for a specific reaction from the person you are lying to.

Do I need therapy?
Therapy can be very helpful. Like your last question, you don't know why your lying. Therapy can help uncover those hidden feelings. With me, it was my borderline personality disorder. I lied about why/how/what I was feeling because I didn't understand my feelings. Personally, I would recommend it. The best thing is that therapists are so respectful. They do not judge you for your lies. You could tell them you lied about the most extreame situation, and they will still respect you and try to help you. Lying is usually tied in with other conditions like depression, anxiety, eating disorders, ect. Many people say that if you work on curing the underlying problem, aka, depression, the lying will slowly come to a hault. Its been proven true for me, so it may work for you too.

What do I do?
First. Don't be ashamed. Its okay to have a problem. Just like those who are alcoholics, drug addicts, self harmers, or any form of addcits, lying is hard to stop. It becomes a habit. Its easy to start, hard to stop. You have to truly be determind. You have to want it! A few ideas. Start a lie journal. Sometimes when people go on diets, they make a food journal. They write down every little bit of food they eat, down to the squirts of ketchup. With a lie journal, you write down every lie that exits your mouth. Later on you advance to writing down every lie you even think about telling! Its tough. The main reason for it is because it makes you accountable for your lies. They are in your face, right there in black and white (Or blue, purple, green, red, whatever color ink you use) You have to acknowledge them. The goal is this: On March 18th you lied 57 times. On march 19 you will only lie 56 times. If you can handle more, maybe cut out 5 lies. It creates a goal for you. A daily goal you have to work towards. It makes it so that lying is a constant thought in your mind. So you try to catch yourself before you let more slip. Just like the diet journal, you will slowly stop lying. Its not something that will happen over night. Like I've said, you have to work towards it.

Another good option is to take 2 breaths before you answer any question. In those two breaths have two questions in your mind. A few examples might be, "Why am I lying?" "What am I going to get out of this?" "Whats the truth?" "Would it be so bad to tell the truth?" "Will this lie cause problems in the long run?" "Will the truth cause problems in the long run?" So, pick two of those and everytime you go to answer a question, think them through. People may look at you weird for taking so long to answer a question but, eventually those two questions will run through your mind so fast you won't need the two breaths. This is so that your thinking over your thoughts before you answer.

Telling those around you that you have a problem with lying can also prove to be helpful. It helps them catch you in your lies and makes you more accountable for them. If they catch you, then appologize, and tell them the truth. This way your getting pracitice in telling the truth. I know telling people sounds kind of scary but, it will really help in the long run. Especially if you end up telling a large lie. If you do, and you come clean, they MAY be more relaxed about it because they knew about it in the first place. I know you said that you want people to trust you without a shadow of doubt. If you are open and honest about your problem, it will actually help people be more trusting. It shows that your open, and willing to get help, instead of lying inspite of peoples feelings.

I know I've given you tons of information but, since I am a compulsive liar myself, I have a wealth of knowledge about this stuff. If you need anything else feel free to PM me and I'll try to help you the best I can. Please know you aren't alone. It seems weird to have such a problem with lying, I know. It took me years to admit it to myself, friends and family. However, I believe you can get through this. I think we all can. Take care and keep trying. Don't give up when it gets tough, which it will. Its not an easy road but you can make it. Keep your head up.

Life is to short to put it off anymore
You gotta live it before itís too late
I canít turn that clock back around
On what youíre dreaming about
You better do it now, donít wait

Do something crazy and dumb, while your still young. <3

Need to talk? I'm here. --->

Last edited by *~Circus Clown~*; March 18th 2010 at 10:49 PM.
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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
lea-x-fallen Offline
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Re: chronic liar? - March 18th 2010, 10:42 PM

its good you can see you have a problem, talk to a doctor, it is an actual medical problem. tell your mum your sorry and you cant help it. sometimes people just lie for no reason to. i know i do, to see people's reactions, it can be funny, to get out of trouble, it makes life simpler, or i just do. i can't help it, but i tell people a lot when i lie, so try that. people then come to think of it as a joke. it could help. admit when you lie, and make a joke of it, and try finding a doctor to help so yeah goood luck!

leave me alone i'm not an angel

and i know i'm losing my mind for no real gain

<if you want to get out alive, run for your life>
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