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Question Feeling a little lost. - March 30th 2010, 01:30 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of peer pressure or bullying, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hi, I recently got out of a relationship with a fairly manipulative person. My sense of self seems to have eroded. I'm having trouble doing anything but sleeping. Its like its given me depression. I don't care for him any longer. I don't have any friends to go to. I'm completely out of the loop. I'm attending a very small private school. I don't have any set direction. I'm just kind of blundering about. My life just seems to have nothing in it. What I'm here for is to have an outlet. So I can get rid of the bad pressure.

I feel ashamed and extremely upset with myself that I let the relationship go on for so long.
This explains what happen pretty well.
"There is no use in trying to be honest with an emotional manipulator. You make a statement and it will be turned around. Example: I am really angry that you forgot my birthday. Response - "It makes me feel sad that you would think I would forget your birthday, I should have told you of the great personal stress I am facing at the moment - but you see I didn’t want to trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain (don’t be surprised to see real tears at this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry." Even as you are hearing the words you get the creeped out sensation that they really do NOT mean they are sorry at all - but since they’ve said the words you’re pretty much left with nothing more to say. Either that or you suddenly find yourself babysitting their angst!! Under all circumstances if you feel this angle is being played - don’t capitulate! Do not care take - do not accept an apology that feels like bull. If it feels like bull - it probably is. Rule number one - if dealing with an emotional blackmailer TRUST your gut. TRUST your senses. Once an emotional manipulator finds a successful maneuver - it’s added to their hit list and you’ll be fed a steady diet of this bull."
"Guilt. Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers. They can make you feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up, for being emotional or not being emotional enough, for giving and caring, or for not giving and caring enough. Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or desires openly - they get what they want through emotional manipulation."

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Re: Feeling a little lost. - March 30th 2010, 09:38 AM

Blatext,

I have had that kind of relationship, too. A lot of people have. You are not alone. You should not feel obligated to blame yourself. You can't expect yourself to know everything, especially not all of the tricks of all of the manipulators that are out there at the age of 16. After all, manipulators are doing their best to make their tricks invisible. I am still learning about tricks that bad people will play and I am nearly twice your age. :/

If it were me in your situation, I would feel burnt out because when I spend time with people who are bad for me like that, every problem is blamed on me, my good traits are turned around and renamed something bad, my flaws are held against me rather than met with the sort of patience and communication that I need to discover and heal them. Its as if I am being told that everything I do is bad. Furthermore, none of my needs are met for a very long time, so I become overwhelmed by them. I come out feeling very invalidated and very needy for love. When I am invalidated really really thoroughly it can feel like nothing I want is worth wanting, nothing I do is worth doing, nothing I try is worth trying - leaving me depressed and unmotivated like like you are right now.

If it were me, what I would benefit from is some validation of my feelings and encouragement for my dreams, to feel accepted and good enough, and to be reminded that if I want to improve my flaws or my situation that this is worthwhile and possible and its okay if it takes time. I would find some people who are encouraging and supportive to surround myself with so I could heal faster.

I would also ask questions and read about manipulation. There is a lot of information out there about what kinds of tricks bad people use, how to spot them, what to do when you figure out that you've come across a manipulative person, and how to avoid encountering them in the first place. If it was me, I would not be able to take the risk of having a relationship again until I felt competent to identify bad people and felt very good about protecting myself. So I would learn all I can about that.

Here are some things that I have learned that I want to share with you:

If the person doesn't care about your feelings, it isn't YOU they care about. If they care about things regarding you but not your feelings, the reason they care about those things is for selfish reasons.

If the person always seems to be so overwhelmed by their own needs that they cannot be attentive to yours, they are selfish. Whether the selfishness is due to a true need (perhaps a mental disorder or something like that) or just plain being self-centered, this does not matter. Don't let them make excuses and give you sob stories. No one person has enough to give for one of these people to be taking and taking and not giving anything back. What they need is a government program or psychologist or a support group or something, not a relationship.

Gut instincts really do help. I always take the time to consider what they're telling me and try to figure out what it means. I am cautious when things don't feel right, even when I don't know what it means.

You are the only person who has any knowledge of your unique needs and when they occur, and you are the only person with the ability to judge whether a particular thing is going to help you fulfill those needs. Anyone who wants to tell you what your needs are is flying blind and doesn't realize it.

Feelings can never be invalid. The "rationale" that we react to emotionally may sometimes be invalid, but never the feelings.

If a person wants me to give up my rationale and follow their rationale, they have got to respect that I am going to use my own mind to judge their rationale and make my own choice. Even the Buddha said something like "Never believe anyone, not even me, unless your own reasoning agrees." The only type of disagreement that I consider to be respectful is when they support their points with logic. If they are trying to get me to agree using any method that is illogical or prevents me from thinking (IE: Trying to rush me, waiting till I'm tired or overwhelmed with feeling, getting me drunk, calling me names, using emotional pressure or physical force, the list goes on.) this is manipulation. It is manipulation because they're trying to circumvent your ability to make a rational decision.
   
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Re: Feeling a little lost. - April 7th 2010, 03:45 AM

Blatext,

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