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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Ella.x Offline
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I'm scared - April 15th 2010, 03:58 PM

I feel like I'm going insane. One moment I'm up, really up like I have so much energy and everything is brighter - it's like I'm high. And the next moment I'm so down I can hardly breather, I want to die and I can barely move or speak. And then I get so angry I can't control it and I end up punching things and breaking stuff and hurting myself. I can't control it.

Nothing stays the same anymore, my mood changes, my sleep pattersn change, my eating patterns change (I go from eating everything in sight andsometimes throwing it up afterwards, to not eating at all). Nothing is certain anymore.

I see things out of the corner of my eye, shadows turn into spiders crawling out of the walls or people hiding. I know that they're not real and I only see them for a split-second but it's freaking me out. I forgot to book an appointment with my psychiatrist last time I was there and I'm too scared to phone up for one.

I'm failing at uni. I'm failing at life. All I want to do now is lose myself in drugs and alcohol and self harm. I want to end all of this. I am constantly thinking about suicide. I can't deal with the mes in my head. I haven't slept in 2 days because I've been taking mephedrone to keep me up. I can't let myself get down because there's nobody here to stop me from doing something bad. I'm scared. I'm not safe but I don't know how to tell either my psychiatrist or my counsellor. They all think I'm doing okay because I force myself to act as normal as I can around them. It's like I can't allow other people to know that I'm weak. I can't do this anymore. I need help, but I don't know where to start.

I'm self-destructing. Drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, self harm. I'm sending slutty pics to random guys I meet on the internet. I'm seeing a wonderful guy, but I know I'm going to push him away soon because I can't let anyone get close to me. I hurt everyone around me. I'm poisonous.

someone please help me out?
   
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Smile Re: I'm scared - April 16th 2010, 06:20 PM

Hey Ella,
I'm Sorry. I know it seems like no one is here that cares about helping you. I know you are scared. It sounds to me like you could be Bi Polar, but its just a guess. I think if you are really worried about this, and it sounds like you are i would call your counselor. I know it sounds scary, but that's what they are here for. To help you. I would also love talking with you. If you want to chit chat, or talk about this or anything please dont hesitate to PM me. Hang in there sweetie.

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Re: I'm scared - April 17th 2010, 08:41 AM

Hey there Ella.

Sorry to hear you're struggling at the moment, but well done for reaching out to us. That took a lot of guts, I have to say.

It definitely sounds like you have some things that are making you uneasy, and as such I'd recommend you go and see someone. Your doctor would be a great place to start. I know that idea doesn't sound pleasant, but it will definitely help you.

I can assure you, though, that you're not poisonous, and you don't hurt everyone around you. While it can be all too easy to get lost in dark thoughts and negative feelings, remember that you are a good person and deserve help.

Good luck.
xx


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Re: I'm scared - April 17th 2010, 09:14 AM

maybe you could show this post to your doctor or one of your tutors at uni or to your counsellor ?



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Re: I'm scared - April 17th 2010, 12:29 PM

I know I should tell my counsellor or my psychiatrist all of this, but I'm so scared of letting anyone know what's going on inside my head. I don't trust anyone. I haven't been outside in days. It's sunny outside. It feels like the weather is mocking me. I need to die. I know I do. It's the only way to make this all stop. I've tried so hard to make things better, but it doesn't work. It never does. I'm too tired to keep trying. I don't know what else to do.
   
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Re: I'm scared - April 18th 2010, 08:06 AM

I know what it's like not to trust anyone, but your counsellor/psychiatrist is definitely trustworthy. They will know how best to help you, and the more you open up to them, the more they can help you.

Death is never the answer. You can work through this, and you can get better. Don't give up.


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