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Being judged for quietness - June 18th 2010, 02:08 AM

(hope this is in the right forum) I've always been an extremely shy, quiet-natured person. It's just my personality..or a part of it. I'm not like that when I'm with my family and best friends. But I am so sick of being judged just because I'm so quiet!!

I was hanging out with my ex last night, and we went to his friends house, and someone asked him (in a joking way) "can she talk? I ain't heard her say a word". I HATE when people say that! I mean, it hurts. It's not like I WANT to be so dang quiet all the time. I've heard that line all my life.."can she talk?" It hurts. I know some people just say it to kid around, but it feels like I'm being judged. I mean, I'll laugh it off with them, but at the same time, I feel like crying.

I barely have any confidence in myself, and I'm a very awkward person. A lot of people think I'm stuck-up because I don't talk a lot, and maybe I come off as standoffish, but I'm really just soooooo shy and awkward. I'm much better than I used to be, but I'm still shy/awkward/quiet.

Can anyone else relate to this? That feeling of being judged for just being you?


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Re: Being judged for quietness - June 18th 2010, 02:50 AM

YEAH. AND IT IS PROBABLY THE MAIN REASON I DONT HAVE FRIENDS. Other than the fact that I went to a tiny, ghetto, Catholic school that had 20 people in my grade. (Mostly jerks)
Dont worry, though. If you try hard enough, you'll grow out of it.
   
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Re: Being judged for quietness - June 18th 2010, 03:17 AM

I can relate exactly to that, since I'm ridiculously shy and quiet in person around anyone I don't know. When I'm with people I know, and their friends come along, one of them usually ends up making a joke or some comment about how quiet I am. It's even worse with girls, since they seem to love teasing me because of it, that happened a lot in school and it pretty much wiped my self esteem.

And other people tend to assume I'm just being rude or deliberately ignoring them or being stuck up. Which isn't the case at all. I love company and making friends more than anything. I just find it really hard to cope socially, I can never think of anything worth contributing to the conversation so I just clam up.

I can definitely understand how it feels. It can get better though. Practicing talking to people can help, the TH chat rooms are good for that. If you ever want anyone to talk to feel free to PM too. Good luck and be proud of who you are.


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Re: Being judged for quietness - June 18th 2010, 03:53 AM

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Originally Posted by DarkSeph View Post
I can never think of anything worth contributing to the conversation so I just clam up.
Thanks for the replies ya'll.

That is exactly how I am! For the life of me, I can't think of anything worthwhile to say during a conversation (if I'm with people I don't know) and when I do, I feel like I'm speaking out of turn. So either way, I feel like I look stupid.

I've always hoped I'd grow out of it, but I'm almost 21 and I'm still sooo quiet. Maybe it's just the way I'm supposed to be...

anyways, its good to be able to relate to someone on this


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Re: Being judged for quietness - June 18th 2010, 09:02 AM

The first thing before you say a single word is general body language and micro-movements. It takes a bit of skill and practice to notice the micro-movements unless you're naturally good and these can help understand a person before they've said a single word. Be aware of your own so others perceive you not as confrontational, angry, zombie-like or secluded. This makes others more willing to talk to you and already closes the social distance, making it less awkward for you to speak. You don't need a very fancy introduction, a few words with certain movements is all that's needed.

I learned and taught myself along with the help of a few individuals to read people very well. Whenever I go to, say a store, I try to read the person's movements before I even talk to them so I'll have an estimate of should I even talk to them and if so, what may be appropriate. I try to read their body language, changes in their language and micro-movements as best as I can so to know when to change a topic or what to change it to. It's gotten me into plenty of shit because I've done this for groups I have no relation with, such as "gangstas", I'll approach and talk. When I leave, they may think of me as a complete wackjob but I've diversified myself and become more confident and successful. The reason is this: I have nothing to lose, only to gain. I've sometimes been threatened, pushed and had stuff thrown on me to been flirted with, gotten phone numbers of some attractive girls (and sometimes guys), invited to parties and on some occassions, had lunch with people I knew for less than a few hours (it's nicer if you buy).
Doing a forensic psychology course where deception and deception detection was taught by FBI and provincial police agents also helps a lot.

I know as long as I don't intentionally insult someone badly or do something similarly stupid, I'm going to learn. That's an approach you should try to take. Just talk, don't worry about what they think of you.

When you "break the ice", don't worry if what you say is stupid, weird or mildly offensive because it's a win-win situation. If it's something stupid, weird or mildly offensive, you've overcome the shyness you have and so the person may be willing to talk. If not, others will see you talking and be willing to talk to you. If you say something good, then you easily form a nice conversation. If it's very awkward, remember this: the person is only one person (or maybe three depending who you're talking to) so screwing up doesn't matter much. It makes you more confident because you've spoken up, following that, you say better introductions.
   
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Re: Being judged for quietness - June 18th 2010, 02:03 PM

Not much I can add to that, apart from Yes, I've been there. When I was going through depression I sometimes even found it hard to return a "hello" to people. However as my personality changed so did my approach towards others, so don't be afraid of learning to be a bit more outgoing towards people.

(btw, no matter how much you talk to them, they never sound any more intelligent!)
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Re: Being judged for quietness - June 18th 2010, 08:51 PM

I understand compleatly. I hate that so much. ''can she talk?'' ''are you mute or somthing?'' or getting badgered to talk because they know i wont. even my freinds when i first met them, while talking to my other friends, ''hey, can she even talk?'' I know exactly what you mean. I hate it


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Re: Being judged for quietness - June 19th 2010, 08:09 AM

I can definitely relate to that. I remember, there was one guy I once knew, who, whenever I talked to him, would say 'That's the first time I've ever heard you talk!' and I would get the urge to say something very rude to him. Which of course, being the good little girl I am, I never did.
Sometimes I don't mind being quiet, because that's how I am naturally. But other times I just wish I was a little more outgoing.
It's really annoying, sometimes, because when people are asked to describe me, they invariably use the word 'quiet', whether they use it as a positive or negative, and I'm so tempted to scream at them that there's more to me than the fact I don't talk much.
Anyway, glad I'm not alone in this.


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Re: Being judged for quietness - June 19th 2010, 08:28 AM

I'm sorry you feel like this. I'll admit I judge people for being quiet sometimes. I think because I'm the kind of person who speaks before they think, when I come across someone very quiet I feel as if they have something their hiding or something. I don't think people mean it in a horrible way when they ask if someone can talk, but are probably instead trying to start a dialogue and get to know you. I know its hard to be confident. But faking it always seems to work for me



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Re: Being judged for quietness - June 19th 2010, 05:56 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by x.Psychic Crisis.x View Post
I can definitely relate to that. I remember, there was one guy I once knew, who, whenever I talked to him, would say 'That's the first time I've ever heard you talk!' and I would get the urge to say something very rude to him. Which of course, being the good little girl I am, I never did.
Sometimes I don't mind being quiet, because that's how I am naturally. But other times I just wish I was a little more outgoing.
It's really annoying, sometimes, because when people are asked to describe me, they invariably use the word 'quiet', whether they use it as a positive or negative, and I'm so tempted to scream at them that there's more to me than the fact I don't talk much.
Anyway, glad I'm not alone in this.
I couldn't agree more. I often feel like people don't see anything but my reticence. I am a person too! Being quiet doesn't take that away from me, so treat me like one!
   
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Re: Being judged for quietness - June 19th 2010, 06:05 PM

I'm exactly like that, and I hate it Then again I get upset really easily.. :/
   
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Re: Being judged for quietness - June 19th 2010, 10:28 PM

This bothers me too. It feels like they're being passive-aggressive toward me. Their approach of making a "joke" about it can amplify how insulting and judgmental it feels.
   
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