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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
BriLizyT Offline
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Question . . . - June 18th 2010, 05:32 AM

Hi, ummm,

I feel like there is something controlling me. Something like my

subconscious. I just always feel like I'm in this robotic trance. Like I can't

think for myself or experience genuine joy or feel like there's a true

meaning in anything that I do. As if there's no point in doing anything.

A while ago, I concluded logically that since I will die eventually

anyway, there's no point in doing anything. Nothing's going to matter in

the long scheme of things. I explained this to my peers. They all said

something to the extent of, " Well, that's all the more reason to life your

life to the fullest. Life is short. Do what you can in the time that you

have." I can see that logic, but I'm still finding no interest in doing

anything. I'm just killing time in meanwhile now until my death. And, I'm

just so bored all the time. Bored of life. Just waiting for myself to die.I

don't consider myself suicidal. I don't want to kill myself. I think that would

be very dumb of me to do. I just want something/someone to kill me. I just

wanna be done with this. I see no point in living.

I think what I really want is just to be independent, self-reliant, able to

fend for myself instead of mooching off of others and having others have

authority over me. I guess I'll have that soon enough. I'll be 18 soon


But I don't think I'll be able to obtain that in this mental state.

I just feel so emotionless. I'm so numb to everything. I just want to feel

something. When I do feel something, it's just a random depression spell

as I like to call it. It's where I either begin think about something sad in my

present, or past, and start to cry, or my thoughts trail off to something

happy in my past and I cry because of how much I miss it. Either way, it

leaves me feeling sad.

I'm just so unsure of everything. Help? Thoughts?
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
FeistyMidget Offline
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Re: . . . - June 18th 2010, 06:19 AM

Have you tried talking to someone? A psychiatrist or even just a parent or a close friend or teacher? That might help. You could be depressed, so maybe you could talk to someone about getting on antidepressants.

Best wishes!
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
BriLizyT Offline
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Re: . . . - June 18th 2010, 06:26 AM

I've spoken to so many people about this. Family and friends mostly. They are either too impatient to hear what I have to say or I just can't seem to phrase it in a way that they can understand. And I don't like the idea of medication. :/

Thank you for replying though. Shows that you care. I appreciate that.
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Purple♥Sky Offline
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Re: . . . - June 19th 2010, 08:26 PM

I know what you mean...I just try to push people away. I don't feel like I used to. I'm so unemotional sometimes. anddd I just say "I don't know" as a responce to EVERYTHING!!
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Question Re: . . . - June 20th 2010, 02:03 AM

Saying, "I don't know" to most things is quite common with me too.

I think I might have a portion of this figured out.

I told my grandparents that I am confident that I can do anything I set my mind to and that I am aware that I can do so many things well and have many talents (i.e. singing, drawing, dancing, playing piano, editing videos), but I just have no interest in doing any of them. I just don't know what I want to do. I have no passion at this moment for anything. It's a very unusual feeling. I'm usually always genuinely passionate about something. Passion gives me a reason to live.

My grandparents said that it is very understandable to feel this way at my age. They just said to be patient and give it time. It will come to me again with time. That made me feel better and, frankly, I agree with it. It made me smile because it gave me hope that I will once again feel alive.

Thoughts are still and and always will be welcome.
Thanks for the feedback.
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BriLizyT Offline
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Re: . . . - June 20th 2010, 02:29 AM

I know what you mean too, Jane.

I wouldn't say that I 'push' people away, but I do often deceive them into thinking that I am happy just so that they won't ask questions. I hate having to explain.

One: I am pressured by the expectation of a straight, quick, blunt answer. There is no straight answer. There are many different sides to the story. I don't want to leave any part out. Or add anything in that's not necessarily true. I just never end up getting out what I want to say.

Two: If I leave something out or add something in, I fear that they will come to the wrong conclusion and not understand.

Three: I feel that if I have more people worrying about me and knowing about my troubles, then I will have to update more people about what's going on with me and it will just cause unnecessary negativity to those innocent people.

Four: I am openly expressing my thoughts here because I have some personal problems with the people that I could talk to around me, I do have a couple people in my life that I can talk to, but I want a variety of thoughts, opinions, and ideas, and I believe that this is a much more non-judgmental way of receiving advice.
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Re: . . . - June 21st 2010, 07:39 PM

I've often felt this way when I was depressed.. just numb and bored.. and like there was no point to anything. But the good news is that I feel a lot better now, and even though I still have bad days, there are a lot of days I feel like I'm back to normal and I'm happy to be alive and living life.

Maybe you could try talking to your parents or your doctor about seeing a therapist. You don't have to go on medication but you might want to consider it. I definitely think you should consider therapy though, it helps a lot of people.

Also, one thing I noticed that made me feel a lot better was getting my independence. I'm only mentioning this because you mentioned it in your post, but when I turned 18 and bought my own car and started paying a few of my own bills (not everything, but my cell phone and car payment and such) I felt a lot better.. sometimes I get overwhelmed, but at the same time I feel a lot better about myself now that I'm mostly self-reliant. Also, the end of high school was a good thing for me.. college is much better (and I just go to a boring community college but it's still MUCH better!) You can make more of your own decisions and organize your own time. It's just little things, but it really made me a lot happier to feel like I had more control over my own life. I really hope you feel the same way once you turn 18 and graduate. Good luck :]
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