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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Dexter8 Offline
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Question Opening up what's inside for the first time in my whole life. - November 9th 2010, 09:30 PM

I understand this is a very long read, and I wouldn't be surprised if I don't get a single answer, but if you do decide to read what I have to say, you wouldn't realize how much I would appreciate your input.


I've never been one to open up, in fact almost everything I talk about next hasn't been told to anyone before. Some people have scratched the surface of who I am underneath, but none have ever liked what they've seen; I guess that's why I keep everything to myself. I've never let myself go, I've always taken and stored, taken and stored. Stored in a dark place within me, that seems to keep expanding and expanding, no matter how hard I try to block it out.

When I see things that the average person would turn their heads away at, I don't. I don't have to try to overcome what I'm seeing, what I'm hearing, because it just feels.. "normal". Most people around me fear, and are scared and horrified of certain things such as violence, death, blood, gore and horror. In my eyes, I see these things, understand the situation, and what's wrong about it, but I don't get affected mentally like most of the other people I see. A couple of people who have recognized this have suggested I just have a high-threshold to these kind of things, but the fact is I don't feel.. anything. No cringing, no turning away, no puking, no bad dreams, no disturbing thoughts, nothing. I don't want you to get the wrong idea, I mean I KNOW it's bad, and that it's considered horrific, but I just don't get affected. The thing is, the other people are either trying their best to keep in their emotions, or they're just.. "cold-hearted". I hate to think I'm the latter, but I'm not the former.

I haven't been through trauma in my life; well I don't think I have. My earliest memory was when I was seven at school, and I've tried to remember anything before that but I can't. My clothing sense, my music/movie/TV tastes, how I act, things like that are considered "weird" by people I meet. I don't take measures to make myself unique to everyone else, I just try to accept who I am, and roll with it. I don't wear the latest fashion of clothing, and I don't listen to the latest music, I'm just.. me. A fact I would like to be proud of.

As I was growing up, I discovered what people call a "problem" with me. When I was injured, or even just a scratch, or a smack, I didn't feel its pain. I knew it was there, and what had happened, but the actual pain didn't exist. I am also never ill, sick or anything, I've always had the same physical health. Throughout high-school, many people found out about these things, and they were joked about in many different ways. I got labeled, nick-named, etc. One word that was commonly used was "freak". Whenever someone calls me that, even if they're just kidding around and/or doesn't know anything about me I feel shivers and blood rushing throughout my body. Even though I hate it, it's one thing that actually makes me feel more human. Lately, it's also caused surges of violent thoughts. (Note: These are only thoughts, and will not become reality.)

Recently, my dreams have been more.. connected to each other. They've always been quite random, and weird. I used to tell my friends the odd one to make them laugh, but the ones I have now wouldn't have the same effect. Mostly involving violence, weapons, blood, gore and death, and they're becoming more and more frequent. Like I said earlier, when I see these kind of things it doesn't affect me, but these dreams seem.. real, and they disturb me when I think about them. Even though I've seen worse things, it's because of the realism factor I feel that makes these dreams much worse. Sometimes I get a major case of déjà vu. I mean, every dream has a bad ending, and the journey there is just simply a dream, but when it reaches that climax, the end seems like I've actually been there before, like it's actually a memory. That doesn't help either.

My mother was and still is a very caring person, but my father is a different story. He used to get drunk pretty much every night, which a few times lead to domestic violence mostly against my mother. The police have been round a couple of times due to my father.. making his mark on not only the household, but my mom. One night he threatened me with a knife pressed against my throat, and another night, when he was drunk and I was around 14/15, he told me I was adopted. It could have been lies due to angriness, or truth being let out due to the alcohol. Being very different in various ways to the rest of my family, it wouldn't be a surprise. Also, I have no baby photos, and my parents have told me different locations of where I was born throughout the years, whether it was for school homework or personal curiosity. I'm not allowed to bring up the subject of my birth. My mother has been wanting to split from my father for years, but couldn't due to money problems. Last year, it finally happened, and I now currently live with my mom.

Although your opinions of me might be quite dark, and evil, I like to think I'm not. I love helping others, and try to seek out people who need help. Some people actually come to me because they know I can cheer them up very quickly. The satisfaction of knowing I've helped someone or something can bring smiles to my face, and more motivation to help more people. My career choice I'm pursuing is based around bringing justice, even if I am just one man, to the world.

As I stated earlier, I've never let myself go. I'm not a violent person, and try to keep violence away from me, and anyone I can. But recently, with the dreams I've been having, and everything culminating together, I get.. more and more violent thoughts. Sometimes when I find someone who is doing something bad that's affecting not only me, but innocent people, I get disturbing thoughts involving them. Kind of a.. sick kind of justice.

If you were to meet me in-person, you'd meet a guy who's very energetic, happy, random, caring, and likes to laugh a lot. I like being that guy; it pleases many people and slightly pushes aside the fact that I'm wearing a mask. I use the term "mask", because it suits how I feels. Whenever I'm with someone else, it's like I'm pretending to be another guy. There have been a couple of people who I've gotten close to, but they were pushed away by uncontrollable unrelated reasons. The last person I was in a relationship with, I felt true feelings for. The emotions and amount of love I had for her was amazing, and I had never felt it before. It felt like I was changing, which I've been longing for all my life. Changing not into the mask, but someone better. But that all was taken away from me.
When I'm myself, I feel very depressed, unmotivated, and uninspired. Every day I try to push myself to do things, whether it's my college work or everyday occurrences. I understand what I want, what I need, but it's like there's a huge dark force that's preventing it all from happening. Sometimes I manage to get things done after pushing myself extremely much, and grab any positiveness I can from it, but it just sits in my mind as knowledge; no feeling.

For years I've tried to hide the real me inside, and I've gotten so good at it. If people don't like me, or if they do something that's supposed to annoy me, or hurt me, I don't care. It doesn't work against me. I suppose that's good and bad, depending on how you look at it.


I have no clue what all this means, I have no clue of what I am, or what I'm becoming. I haven't asked any questions, because I literally don't know what to ask, or do. I guess.. advice, suggestions, thoughts, opinions, anything would be fantastic and very much appreciated.
If you did actually take your time out to read all this, I thank you.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Opening up what's inside for the first time in my whole life. - November 9th 2010, 10:55 PM

ok wow that was long ok im going to try my best to answer so ur dreams are usually are memorys even ones u dont remember but ur mind does like a face u think u never seen b4 but ur mind has its all memorys if u dream of someone u dont know u have saw them in ur life time so u may have been there b4 or different memories jumbled up into one dream and u may not get disturbed by horrific things its just ur body the way it reacts ur dreams u may feel something because ur living it practically and it can be scary and u may be adopted maybe ur mom just not ready to tell u cuz some kids get upset and mad that they werent told earlier or something maybe she is worried and u seem like a great person happy random lol me im hyper random and laugh alot but is mostly not real just to get by when i laugh i cry in the inside i hoped i helped a lil bit atleast




Life is too

Short to spend

It at war with

Yourself.

I’m catching stars in the sky because I am fixing the soul within me. May it be from the heart a girl broke years ago or my soul simply repairing itself as it was shattered on my walk on this earth. May the stardust fill those cracks within my soul making me brand new, but never forgetting who I once was.


   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Opening up what's inside for the first time in my whole life. - November 9th 2010, 11:09 PM

I admire you so much for putting everything up here. I feel thast i act the same way always hiding behind a mask. I'm constantly scared to tell anyone my true feelings just incase i lose them. thank you so much for putting this up i know it sounds weird but you've inspired me to put everything about my life instead off little bit and worrying what people think. If you ever need to talk to someone i'm here for you. and i hope we can help each other through this
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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Dexter8 Offline
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Re: Opening up what's inside for the first time in my whole life. - November 10th 2010, 12:28 AM

@ crazy_redhead; Thank you for your fast reply. As much as I don't want to believe I've actually lived these kind of dreams before, if these are indeed memories, I want to remember them, but I can't. I can't remember anything before the age of seven no matter how hard I try.
I understand why some parents would keep the whole fact of being adopted quiet until their son or daughter is ready, but I'm 17, and still being kept in the dark about it all, which makes it worse.. But I guess it's up to my mom.
Thank you for your interpretations and opinions

@ cyberfairy; Ahh, I'm so glad I helped someone. I didn't even think by doing this that would happen. I mean, I've been wanting to tell people these things every day, but if someone's having a good day, throwing it all on them would obviously put an end to that. And if they're having a bad day, it'll make it much worse for them, and may also lead to what you said, losing them from your life. That, and not knowing WHO to tell were confusing a lot. But thank you, really. It's nice to know I've helped, and that someone can relate.
During and after writing my original post, I felt letting it out helped me, even if it was just to the internet. But everyone has to start "recovering" somewhere, so I hope if you do decide to let out more of your life, that it goes well!
I appreciate that, and you too. Please, don't hesitate to contact me if you would like to talk.
I hope the best for you, and thank you
   
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Re: Opening up what's inside for the first time in my whole life. - November 10th 2010, 09:10 AM

I'm not sure what to write but I think you were brave to post how you feel despite what others might think. I wish I could put down something that would help you or I'm not sure or give you the information you are seeking, but I don't know what that is. I guess all I can say is I hope that if you are not happy now that you will be someday and that you find whatever answers you are searching for. Please feel free to PM me if you wish to talk.
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Opening up what's inside for the first time in my whole life. - November 10th 2010, 08:59 PM

@ Soubi-fan; Thank you, I appreciate that. I guess I'm just asking for people's views and opinions on what I should do next. How to overcome or change what and how I think, how I could live and feel like.. a real human. Why are my thoughts and dreams suddenly being infected with violence, blood, gore, and death? Why do they disturb me? Will they ever end? Could the parts of my dreams that feel really real be connected to a lost memory like 'crazy_redhead' previously suggested? If so, how can I regain those memories to help me move past some of this? Or do I accept what I'm becoming and let it lead me into a new direction, maybe using it for the future? How can I improve my motivation? How can I control all this? How could anyone really love me, if I don't even like myself? I don't believe anyone would want to get close to the "real" me. Maybe my mask, but I can't live my entire life behind one.
I don't understand what's happening.

I feel I'm becoming emotionally color-blind, and like me and my mask are literally becoming two different people. When I'm not alone, I act like the guy who I mentioned in my first post; "very energetic, happy, random, caring, and likes to laugh a lot." Sometimes the mask slips, and someone senses there's something up about me, but I blame it on something else like having a late night, and make a joke about it to laugh it all away. But these times are becoming less frequent, because my heart is becoming more.. emotionless.
I'm afraid soon that.. some of life's most treasured emotions and feelings will either become memories, or wishes.
   
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Re: Opening up what's inside for the first time in my whole life. - November 10th 2010, 11:59 PM

thank you for replying to my post. i hope you are doing well and i am only a pm away
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  (#8 (permalink)) Old
Dexter8 Offline
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Re: Opening up what's inside for the first time in my whole life. - November 14th 2010, 01:06 PM

Out of the 124 people who have entered this thread and posted something, I thank you.
And I ask anyone who sees this, can you please just post your opinion, a suggestion, anything. Even if it's just a line, I'll appreciate it.

Thanks.


Conrad
   
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