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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
LifeLoveLost. Offline
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Name: Lotts
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Exclamation BOOOM. - December 8th 2010, 03:44 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Sorry, this is going to be a long one.
That boom was my head exploding.
There so much going off in my mind. It feels like my head is in a vice thats slowly being wound up tight.
I don't know what to do. Doctors or counsellor or what ever. I just know I need help.
Its got to the point that I cut at least 3 times a day. My brush with attempted suicide 3 weeks ago has left me with a constant nausea and now if I don't get at least 10hours sleep a night I pass out in class at college. Sometimes I vomit just at the thought of tablets.
I'm sooo tired!
I know my mum has been looking through my things. I can tell she has. She's changed. I'm nothing to her anymore. I'm just a giant burden on everyone I meet. I'm just a nobody.
I've lost control of my entire being. I do things without knowing and forget about them, like running for miles in the anger that permenantly boils my blood, smashing up my bedroom and not realising what i'm doing. I switch off like a lightswitch and lose control. My moods have always been unpredictable and untamable but now I literally flip to scream at someone for no reason.
I'm trapped in my mind. There hardworking A* student has gone, leaving a selfhating monster with no energy to make effort.
I want to lose weight. When I suffered from Anorexia Nervosa around 4 years ago I fought back against the monster in my mind. I want back myself. I want to escape.
Part of me wants to run away to somewhere new. Start fresh. But then I get panic attacks at the thought of strangers and forever trapped alone in my own mind.
Another part of me wants to keep cutting until theres nothing left.

I'm so stuck. I want out. One way or another. All I know is that my stupid head won't let me. Whether its the mood swings, the uncontrable attitude, the anger, the fact that I know everyone is constantly watching every move I make.

So, can someone give me advice please. Should I go to the counsellor(who probably won't trust to speak to. I know they'll laugh at me behind my back. My last one did.) Or Doctors? (They're the same. They don't care, no one does about me.) Or am I just over reacting as over usual?


"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."
- Holden Caulfield, The Catcher in The Rye


   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
jimbo1234 Offline
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Re: BOOOM. - December 9th 2010, 06:38 PM

lotts, i care, and alot of other people in this world do to, trust me, your not a burden on anyone at all, your mum truely cares about you lotts, she may not show it but thats only because she doesnt know what to do, she's as confused as you are.
i would suggest making a diary, say whatever you want in it, write it as an email you can email it to me if you like (my email's at the bottom).
suicide deffently isnt the way out, there are lots of other routes you can turn to, but think of how people would feel if you were suddenly gone? they wouldnt be able to cope, your supporting them daily, but they dont realise it, you dont realise it.

"Dont let your troubles break you Lotts, let them make you"

I honestly think your an amazing person, and you deserve to mature and form a relationship with your dream man, and maybey have kids, on that day, you'll look back on this day with a smile on yur face knowing that you had the inner strength to make you, who you are today.

i honestly hope ive helped Lotts, I want the absolute best for you
i really do care, i would suggest writting a form of diary, and so your mum doesnt read it, email to me, i wont read it, i'll just delete it.

Take care of yourself, and keep your chin up

Lots of Love and hope
From
Jimbo1234

email me whenever you want, jamesbowring@hotmail.co.uk
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
LifeLoveLost. Offline
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Re: BOOOM. - December 9th 2010, 09:28 PM

Thanks. I'll try that idea out. Just one slight problem with your reply. . . when you put about my "dream man" and having kid. . . I'm gay but i get the thought and it was a lovely intention

UPDATE- Today i blanked majorly. One minute i was sat on my bed listening to music then things got fuzzy. The next thing i knew i was in the kitchen holding a knife, cutting. i want control back. i've lost my grip on the world. my mood changed midsentence with a tutor today. i got so angry for no reason and started shouting. im an embarassment.


Sorry about the poor grammar and spelling, i'm writing this on my DSi :S


"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."
- Holden Caulfield, The Catcher in The Rye


   
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