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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Dzio Offline
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Fragmented [Lengthy] - January 2nd 2011, 03:26 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

My story isn't glamorous.

On December 3, 2010, I was admitted to a psychiatric ward in a hospital, after having a major depersonalization moment.

During this moment, another self that identified as Mean Dzio (for the sake of my name, not my real name) took over, and I was forced to watch as MD took a disassembled bath razor to my wrist, palm, and calf.

As a psychology major, I knew that this was very, very wrong.
I hadn't done the cutting. I was fighting every moment, screaming inside my head, but I had lost control. I was no longer there, but MD was.

After that, I can now recognize that I disappeared for awhile, and the real me, Dzio, reappeared as some point later on when I had to talk to my academic advisor about what had happened.

From there I went to the campus counselor, to a psychological evaluator, to the ER, and finally to the psychiatric ward.

I spent 5 days on an intensive care unit, with a modgepodge cast of characters from severely schizophrenic patients to those with extreme cases of bipolar disorder.

I talked to a psychologist/psychiatrist, was put on Abilify with an upped dosage of Zoloft, and was finally told that I did not have DID or anything, but instead that I'd compartmentalized fragments of my personality into different personas as a coping mechanism.

These personas (there are 7 of them at the moment) have their own opinions, own names (that they gave themselves), and the ability to take over and push my conscious mind to the background.


I don't believe that I have DID. But I do know that something's going on in my head that's causing me extreme distress.

There are 7 people in my head. They represent different emotions, to an extent. They all serve different functions, have their own names, opinions, handwriting, thoughts, voices, and the ability to switch in and take over when I can't handle something. Sometimes I dissociate and I don't remember a couple hours of my life because one of them has switched in.

I guess this is normal? I don't know. I just know that I can't remember portions of my day, or driving home, because it wasn't me that was doing it. (And it's beyond normal dissociation like my counselor said we do in every day life.) Sometimes they switch in just because they want a say in what's going on on the outside, because I don't necessarily give in to their thoughts or demands.

My 'troops' (lending to When Rabbit Howls) are an interesting bunch, and I know that for the most part, they are in support of 'me'.

They are as follows

CnC [Calm and Collected]: He's as his namesake states. He is the one that shores us up when we're upset. He'll switch in and is something of a blank face. He's all business, and isn't afraid to dive in, and get it done. When I can't handle something, he'll switch in and take it on with a calm head, and when I'm calmed down somewhere inside, he'll step aside once he's reached a point where be believes I can handle things.

Sam: Sam is comfort, and love. He, along with CnC, have been with me since my childhood. He very rarely switches in, but instead focuses on comforting those inside my head. When I switch out and another switches in, Sam is automatically there to comfort me. Same is love, Sam is a hug. He is quiet, but the most comforting thing I've got.

Mean Dzio [MD]: Mean Dzio is the nasty voice in the back of my mind, constantly berating me, constantly putting me down. When MD got tired of my emotional turmoil, she switched in and took over. She was tired of my 'whining', and decided to actually act on it. MD is argumentative, and usually likes to get in the last word. Her opinions usually border along the lines of violence and anger.

Nice Dzio [ND]: Nice Dzio isn't very prominent lately, only because I haven't had many altruistic moments presented to me. ND is comfort as well, like Sam, but for the outside. ND knows how to be kind and gentle with words, and is usually there to bolster up my confidence as MD tears it to shreds. She's usually unsuccessful.

Roo: Roo is the most childlike of my personas. She's fun loving, bubbly, and excitable. Her original name was indeed Bubbly, but then she decided that she liked Roo better. She loves Roo from Winnie the Pooh, and identifies with him. When Roo switches in, I babble like an idiot. I can't control what seems to be pure stream of consciousness speech, and it's kind of terrifying. She's sweet, but she can be dangerous when I'm in the company of others, such as my coworkers.

Kerri: Kerri is something of a sexual deviant. Her thoughts are always perverted, and she's the hyper sexual side of myself that I run from. She doesn't switch in, thankfully, but she fills my head with plenty of imagery that I'd rather not have.


Aly: Aly is the most recent of my 'emergees'. She is the depressed side, the one that whispers, "Cut...cut...cut" in my ear. She isn't angry, like MD, but instead is malicious in other ways. Her tactics are through pure despair, and she is the dark corner of my mind that I'd prefer not to know exists.





I'm currently searching for psychiatrists/psychologists/counselors/therapists, anyone with experience in fragmentation.
My doctor on the ward said that with some intensive, dedicated therapy I can be weaved back together.

What's scary is knowing somewhere inside my head, that I'm an 'us'. There is no denying it. I've seen the evidence; they have their own handwriting, their own opinions, and I've watched somewhere over my shoulder as I dissociated and they took over.

It is a terrifying experience, one that I've been blogging about. I'm scared, and I need to talk about it, or I'm going to go insane [again].


If you've made it this far, you totally deserve a cookie.
   
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Katrina Offline
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Re: Fragmented [Lengthy] - January 2nd 2011, 12:46 PM

Hey Dzio,

I'm a little late on this, but I wanted to welcome you to the forums. I'm glad you've decided to join us, and I hope you know that many of our stories aren't glamorous.. after all, you don't end up on a TeenHELP site for no reason, right? (: However, I think I can speak for us all (including myself and hopefully you as well) in saying that I think our experiences have shaped us into the person we are today. Some of those experiences may have been harder and some of them may have been easy, but they have ALL had a profound impact on each of us.

I think you should be very proud that you've identified that there is a problem here. It seems as though, especially as a psychology major, you understand how serious this is and that you need as much help as you can get, and that's really, really awesome - that's going to be a GREAT trait to have as you recover.

As far as the dissociation goes, I'd like to refer you to an article written by one of our Avatar Editors called Dissociation and You: Making a Grounding Kit. I just encourage you to give that a read and see if you might be interested in trying something like that - giving it a try shouldn't be too complicated, and who knows? It might help!

You know, I'm not sure what "normal" is, but I do know that you need help. This is very frightening, and you shouldn't have to deal with it alone. I'm going to go ahead and throw out there that we at TH are not medical professionals in any sense of the word. You need to continue to receive help from as many trained professionals as you possibly can so that you can, in the words on the doctor from the unit, be weaved back together. I think what you'll find with a lot of psychiatric professionals is that they'll help you to help yourself, first and foremost. And with the understanding you have of what's going on, I think this will be very, very helpful to you.

However, I would always be happy to listen to you. You're welcome to post here any time, or if not, I can be reached by Private Message or MSN. I hope to hear from you soon, I hope that things shape up, and I hope that you can work with your team of professionals to get this sorted out soon. Hang in there!



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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Dzio Offline
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Re: Fragmented [Lengthy] - January 2nd 2011, 01:59 PM

Thank you, Apple. That was a really detailed and wonderful reply, and I'm definitely going to check out that article.

Yeah, I fully understand that the people here aren't medical professionals. But I do know that you all offer a friendly ear to listen, and that's what I took advantage of when writing this post .

I know that talking to friends isn't going to help me to get better, but I do know that it's therapeutic enough that it helps me get through the bad times.

Thanks for your support. I really, really appreciate it.
   
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