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LostTeen011 Offline
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Unhappy Everyday screaming fests with myself - January 12th 2011, 05:11 AM

Ok so growing up I was and still am the quiet shy girl. I also grew up being overweight and now obese. Being shy, quiet, and overweight made me the main target for constant bullying and verbal abuse. I have very fond memories of kids laughing at me for being big, fat, ugly, dirty, stinky, and stupid. In fact, looking back at my childhood the torment I had to go through occupies about 75% of my memories. That's how this comes in to play now. I am ALWAYS, ALL TIME, EVERYDAY dwelling on the past. I can't stop thinking about those horrible, embarrasing times that happened to me. Also, some of these thoughts aren't all from the past. Some are from embarrasing things that happen to me now too. It's always on my mind and won't go away. When I try to stop thinking about it, it takes so much energy to. I find myself hitting or punching my head. Mainly to break my concentration of whatever I'm reminiscing about, I find myself screaming and cussing at the air or wall! I'll say things like "Would you leave me the fuck alone!, Shut the fuck up! You fucking bitch!, or Leave me the hell alone! Not all the time my outbursts contain cuss words though. Half the time I find myself walking throughout my house saying Hello like an idiot. Basically, it's anything to get me from stop thinking those thoughts. I have been able to control my outbursts at school, but recently I've started mumbling to myself what I usually say during my outbursts. This has been going on for 3 years now, but as the years go one the outbursts just get worse and worse. I don't know what to do, but I just want to stop doing this!


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Re: Everyday screaming fests with myself - January 12th 2011, 03:56 PM

Hey. I'm really sorry I can't help you. I just thought I'd let you know that you aren't alone. You could have been talking about me.

I hold on to all these embarrassing things I've done, that most people would forget about. Not big things, but something stupid I said in a conversation years ago, or something dumb I did. Or something someone said to me. And I can't get it out of my head.

The thing I seem to say a lot is 'Would you please shut up!' or 'can you think about something else please' and I say it out loud without meaning too. Also other things like that. And I can never get the memories out of my head and it makes me feel bleh. And really embarrassed.

I guess I thought it was just some weird habit I have but I'm really shocked to see someone else does it too. Sorry I couldn't help, but I'd love to get to the bottom of this for both of our sakes. Hopefully someone else will answer.

Ps- I don't think fond was the right word there.

Good luck!

Also, feel free to PM me. Obviously I'm not much help but if you want to talk about it I'm a good listener. Plus, I can relate.


To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget

~Arundhati Roy
   
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Re: Everyday screaming fests with myself - January 13th 2011, 06:15 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marguerite View Post
I hold on to all these embarrassing things I've done, that most people would forget about. Not big things, but something stupid I said in a conversation years ago, or something dumb I did. Or something someone said to me. And I can't get it out of my head.
Yeah like for me most of the time it's like people's reactions to something I would do or say that drives me nuts. Like I'll think "Ugh why didn't I do something else so they wouldn't have laughed at me!"


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