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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Utterly_Alone Offline
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Unhappy Uhm... Am I crazy? - April 12th 2011, 09:27 PM

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I don't know. Lately, I've been having these... cravings (for lack of a better word) to have someone seriously hurt me. Like during sex or something. I want somebody cut me up and screw me at the same time. I feel really weird admitting this, but I figure I have to tell SOMEBODY or at least get it out.
For example: I had this daydream of this girl I really like screwing me and stabbing me in m stomach at the same time. It was really... interesting and I actually got *ahem* y'know... Excited. It's freaking me out just a little bit because I want it soo bad and would do almost anything for someone, the girl I like in particular, to do that. Of course, I'm not going to tell her any of this. But I can't get it out of my head. Can someone explain what's wrong with me? I've never had this feeling before. . .


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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Uhm... Am I crazy? - April 13th 2011, 03:21 AM

It sounds like sexual masochism to me or depending on the specifics of your desires, algolagnia (pain specifically at an erogenous zone). If the desires have any content of you wanting to be cannibalized or cannibalizing others, then it would be vorarephilia. If there's any drinking of blood or drawing large amounts of blood for the sake of drawing blood, then it'd be vampirism. It may also be biastophilia, which is rape as a sexual pleasure. All of the above are types of paraphilias, best thought of as fetishes. They are in the DSM so they may be considered as a mental illness.

You're not crazy although I'd question if there's any depression or suicidal thoughts you're having as well. The main question would also be when they started, how long they've been lasting, any mental illnesses or has something happened/did you see something that shifted you toward what you're describing. I find it quite suspect how you can go from not being into sexual masochism (which is essentially what you're mentioning) to something fairly intense. I say intense because drawing of blood implies you may be fantasizing about some dangerous or possibly brutal acts being done to you. The other paraphilias mentioned were examples of ones that you can look up but don't self-diagnose. It is possible to have multiple paraphilias as well as additional mental illnesses, however, it's also possible you could have just the one paraphilia.


I can rip you off, and steal all your cash, suckerpunch you in the face, stand back and laugh. Leave you stranded as fast as a heart-attack.
- Danko Jones (I Think Bad Thoughts)
   
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Re: Uhm... Am I crazy? - April 13th 2011, 08:41 PM

To answer the question of depression or suicidal thoughts, Yes, I have been having that a lot lately, too... But I've had that since I was in 6th grade and only acted on it once. The thoughts started like two years ago... and just fantasized about it in general, but now I like this girl at my school, so she's in the daydream.
It depends on what you define as cannibalism.
I asked a friend of mine and she said it could have something to do with me being beaten since I was very young. (At age 5 I ended up in the hospital overnight, but that's a different story) I haven't been beaten since after a suicidal attempt in 7th grade. (I'm a sophomore in high school now) Do you think any of that could have had something to do with it? But I'd think I would be less attracted to being abused after that... y'know? Plus, I'm not even old enough to be having sex... (still a virgin and will remain so until 21st birthday)
I will look up those paraphilias you listed, too. Thanks for that. Vampirism sounds a little extreme, though...


You don't answer my emails. You don't pick up the phone.
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Re: Uhm... Am I crazy? - April 13th 2011, 09:29 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Utterly_Alone View Post
To answer the question of depression or suicidal thoughts, Yes, I have been having that a lot lately, too... But I've had that since I was in 6th grade and only acted on it once. The thoughts started like two years ago... and just fantasized about it in general, but now I like this girl at my school, so she's in the daydream.
It depends on what you define as cannibalism.
I asked a friend of mine and she said it could have something to do with me being beaten since I was very young. (At age 5 I ended up in the hospital overnight, but that's a different story) I haven't been beaten since after a suicidal attempt in 7th grade. (I'm a sophomore in high school now) Do you think any of that could have had something to do with it? But I'd think I would be less attracted to being abused after that... y'know? Plus, I'm not even old enough to be having sex... (still a virgin and will remain so until 21st birthday)
I will look up those paraphilias you listed, too. Thanks for that. Vampirism sounds a little extreme, though...
The history of beatings could very well play a part as they do in numerous mental illnesses, especially when they occur at young ages. Intuitively, one would think you would be less attracted to the abuse but that's not always the case. The traditionally held view of the abuse cycle is one gets abused and they then abuse others. A possible explanation for you would involve learned helplessness, which is a behaviour whereby people/animals don't fight back because they learn fighting back doesn't do anything. It was first observed in dogs during the 1960s by researchers Seligman and Maier. It has been studied in humans and often involves depression, suicidal thoughts, abnormal sexual patterns, weight loss, etc... .

There is also masochistic personality disorder (aka self-defeating personality disorder) BUT it's a "semi-official" disorder because it was introduced during the late 1980s to mid 1990s and drew a shitload of sociopolitical heat. I say "semi-official" because many doctors and clinicians to this day refute it but some support it and it has its official code number (all mental illnesses in the DSM have one). Most doctors and researchers don't support it so they'd toss it under PDNOS. The reason I'm mentioning it is it may account for non-sexual psychological disorders. You haven't given much information on that so although I'm against self-diagnosing, I figure it'd be fine for you to look at it because you're probably not going to be diagnosed with it based on doctor views.

Do remember though, this is assuming you meet the criteria for a personality disorder, which I have NOT mentioned NOR posted in the below link. You can google around to look it up while you look up paraphilias. Also, although it's not mentioned in any criteria, doctors do consider age in personality disorders and many say they'll diagnose it once patients are 18+ but only ASPD has that exact criteria, the other personality disorders don't.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Masochi...on_from_DSM-IV


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Re: Uhm... Am I crazy? - April 14th 2011, 07:52 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Man And XX Master View Post
The history of beatings could very well play a part as they do in numerous mental illnesses, especially when they occur at young ages. Intuitively, one would think you would be less attracted to the abuse but that's not always the case. The traditionally held view of the abuse cycle is one gets abused and they then abuse others. A possible explanation for you would involve learned helplessness, which is a behaviour whereby people/animals don't fight back because they learn fighting back doesn't do anything. It was first observed in dogs during the 1960s by researchers Seligman and Maier. It has been studied in humans and often involves depression, suicidal thoughts, abnormal sexual patterns, weight loss, etc... .

There is also masochistic personality disorder (aka self-defeating personality disorder) BUT it's a "semi-official" disorder because it was introduced during the late 1980s to mid 1990s and drew a shitload of sociopolitical heat. I say "semi-official" because many doctors and clinicians to this day refute it but some support it and it has its official code number (all mental illnesses in the DSM have one). Most doctors and researchers don't support it so they'd toss it under PDNOS. The reason I'm mentioning it is it may account for non-sexual psychological disorders. You haven't given much information on that so although I'm against self-diagnosing, I figure it'd be fine for you to look at it because you're probably not going to be diagnosed with it based on doctor views.

Do remember though, this is assuming you meet the criteria for a personality disorder, which I have NOT mentioned NOR posted in the below link. You can google around to look it up while you look up paraphilias. Also, although it's not mentioned in any criteria, doctors do consider age in personality disorders and many say they'll diagnose it once patients are 18+ but only ASPD has that exact criteria, the other personality disorders don't.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Masochi...on_from_DSM-IV

I was kind of an asshole in Junior High and Elementary school, but I never hurt anyone physically. Just verbally.
I've read about that in dogs... it never occured to me that people could actually have that mentality. But that sounds very likely, now that I think about it. It's the same as saying 'It is what it is and I just have to deal' isn't it? Damn... I grew up basically being told that whatever happens at home stays at home. And family members are... I don't wanna say condemned, really but... something like that... If you call the police. Then, you end up in even more trouble anyway.
I do have ADHD and have been diagnosed with depression. ADHD diagnosis was shortly before kindergarten, I guess. I'm too lazy to do the math. hehe.. And depression was diagnosed only after the suicide attempt. I'm on meds for both.
For now, I'm basically trying to figure out the nature of the thoughts and if I should tell my doctor or therapist. I want to have information of the stuff before I tell my doctor/therapist anything so it doesn't turn into some dramatic thing. Thanks a lot for your help.
And why only 18? A lot of stuff can happen throughout 18 years... Just wondering.


You don't answer my emails. You don't pick up the phone.
So, I know that you have left me Utterly_Alone.



   
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