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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
NevermindMe Offline
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Somewhat worried about my state of mind. - April 17th 2011, 04:04 PM

A short backstory is that I have a severely depressed mother (Severe depression can make people display signs of many other mental illnesses. It makes them mean, rude, paranoid, uncaring, oblivious, angry, sad, tired and all those other nasty things.) a great dad who works out of town and I only see a week out of every month, a sister who's going to lawschool very soon and a ten year old brother.

Anyway, I suffer from low self esteem. I realize this and yet can't seem to feel better about myself. Failure to do so only makes me angier at myself. I'm also suicidal, however I've come to terms with the fact that no matter how rough things are I don't really want to die. But that doesn't stop the thought from poping in my head on a particualrly foul day.I don't have many friends, that being said I don't consider people my friend's easily. My definition of "Friend" probably meets your definition of "Best Friend".
I'm homeschooled by choice. I have minor OCD and homeschooling allows me to put everything just my way. I have several teachers for each subject who monitors my progress and assigns projects that must be done by a certain date.

So now to my problem, last night I got a feeling I hadn't had in a long time. I sort of had a flash back to before my mom was depressed. I was only three years old (I have no idea how I remembered this so clearly) and she was simply smiling, not worrying about the crazy things she worries about now. Then I "came back" and simply started crying. About how far my mom had fell. About how far she has let me fall. About missing childhood when someone bigger was always protecting you. About being sheltered from cruelty. I sobbed for a good forty five minutes until I calmed down.

Usually I'm like a rock, not much effects me, not visibly anyway. Lately I find myself breaking down completely more and more often. I find myself having these "Flashbacks" of sorts from different times, usually taking me to times when I was under five.
Although I can find a thousand faults in myself, the one thing I always valued was my resilency. I always thought "Under conditions like this even the toughest people in the world might crack." and yet now, I feel myself slipping up. Becoming weaker if you will. I'm terrified that if I slip up, my crazy mother might see it as weakness and then like a true vulture, verbally attack me. Words might not physically hurt you, but mentally I feel weak.

My mother is so far gone that she doesn't care. She'll do anything without thinking, because she has no lower to sink. Sure after saying mean things to your children you feel bad, but she can't sink any deeper.

I feel like I can't go much deeper too. I feel utterly victimized and defeated by the whole situation. I found myself praying last night asking why any God would put me in a situation I can't survive.

- Justin
   
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Re: Somewhat worried about my state of mind. - April 17th 2011, 06:11 PM

im hear for you


why dose it hurt so much
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Re: Somewhat worried about my state of mind. - April 18th 2011, 04:34 AM

Justin,

To be depressed, and to see another person be depressed, is not a conducive environment for achieving happiness at all. I understand your pain. I'm sure it's tough to think optimistically.

Compounded with this issue is the fact that you've actualized one of the things you should avoid when depressed: the happiness stemming from former times. That also is not conducive towards achieving any kind of happiness. I understand where you're coming from. The time from before when your mom was not depressed set the bar very high - but that's the past. While I'm not saying your mom won't be that happy again, I'm saying that for your own sake, you need to set the bar of ideal happiness back to ground zero (the present) and build from that.

Some people who are homesick and are in countries that they don't want to be, think of former times when they're back in their homeland. Some people who have lost their homes from natural disasters think of former times when their family was intact and their loved ones were close to them. In both these cases, they shouldn't be doing that because sometimes loss is irreversible. It's better to build on the present and be as happy as a butterfly who has had its memory wiped out.

So try to remember that as each days pass. Try not to go back into your past memories because it'll be very unproductive.

Your mom is depressed right now, like you. There's not much you can do to help her. She's an adult and the way for her to recover is to take steps by herself. Thus, you need to get used to her being depressed. Having a negative and depressed mother in your life should be the ground zero of your happiness. You need to cut the negative influence from her and build your on your own happiness. Soon enough, you'll be happy on your own end but you may still have a depressed mother - but you can't control that and hopefully by then you would have developed coping mechanisms to deal with this influence. Meaning, you would be as happy as former times when your mother was not depressed.

People who have lost loved ones through death, or valued possessions that have taken a lifetime to acquire, always have the potential to regain their happiness from before as long as they don't perpetually compare the present to the paradisaical past...

Justin, I just want to say that as a thirteen year old, you seem like a precocious individual just by reading your internal thought processing and your maturity. I think you have a very bright future. If you want to talk further just send me a PM.

I hope that helped,
D
   
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Re: Somewhat worried about my state of mind. - April 19th 2011, 01:14 AM

I truly apreciate your well informed post. Today she had another "depressive episode" as I call them, but I ignored her yelling, because as you said I cannot change her, so who cares.
I'm trying to get out of the habit of having these memories hit me at random times. I feel like I could just get lost in them. Kind of like I have too much in my head, and I could die analyzing everything. At least I know this is normal and not early signs or anything overly serious. Thanks.

- Justin
   
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Re: Somewhat worried about my state of mind. - April 21st 2011, 02:34 PM

It's frustrating, I still get these random memories at times. I try not to enjoy them so much, and I find I don't, but for some reason, last night when I was laying in bed for sleep, I got one about this old website I used to go to, a long time ago and all the people I knew from it. Then I realized even though I remember them they've probably all forgotten me. For some reason that hit me as sad, even though they are people I have never met. It was strange, because I remembered our last conversation in great detail.
When I have these memory attacks it's like a dream, fuzzy around the edges and everything sounds like it's echoed. It really is strange. I'll just have to lean forward into the future and less into the past.

- Justin



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