I'm afraid my problems will ruin more things in my life (long story)

[sergio926]

This story is just 2 past stories that show how ridiculous I have been in the past. And I'll explain a little on how it's been affecting my life recently. I've gotten a lot better, but it still messes with my life now.

I’m 22 now. Back in 2005, I was in 10th grade. I had never really had much problems with being sad/depression until this point. It was in May and I was watching Larry King and they were talking about what happens after you die. And everyone’s thought of that at some point, but for some reason seeing this really got me thinking. Next thing you know I start really wondering. From there, I got upset. I don’t even understand why I was getting so upset about all of that. But I was seriously letting it affect my life. It would consume me. From there I got paranoid about dying. I guess the word is “hypochondriac”. I developed this after being afraid of dying. All from seeing this show. How absolutely ridiculous is that? I could not get over this even though I knew it was silly. My dad got angry with me over this and just did not understand why I was acting like this. I just could not have a fun time doing anything. Not hanging out with my friends, not going to see a movie or going to a concert. I’d think about it there, in school, at family functions with people around, etc. It would keep me up at night and I would cry about it. I’d be afraid if I had a brain tumor because of the fact that I’d hear about people not “knowing” they had a brain tumor until it was too late. This would freak me out and I couldn’t shake it. Everything just seemed bigger then me, and I was afraid of losing control I guess. But I had developed this hypochondriac way of thinking over seeing some show that got me thinking. If I remember correctly, I was on this for well into the summer. That September I got a job and I think it just faded from there. But since then, I would get excessively paranoid about a number of things. Mainly social things.

For instance, I liked a girl I worked with in a restaurant back in 2006. Her name is Becca. And I couldn’t tell her how I felt because she had a fiancé. Not only that, we were just very, very close friends and I knew she wouldn’t take it well. And I got paranoid for months because I told a girl (her name is Steph) in my class about Becca. The reason I got paranoid was because Steph would party with another girl I worked with. And I knew that Becca partied with some of the same people sometimes. Not even that often at all, but sometimes. She wasn’t even friends with those people, either. I just knew that her friends sometimes partied with the other girls friends. And my ridiculous self was absolutely terrified that Steph would somehow come in contact with Becca, and then she’d tell Becca about how I felt. As far as I know, they’ve literally never met each other. Then Steph was trying to get a job with me at this restaurant and THAT REALLY freaked me out. I bugged out so hardcore. I never told Steph about my concerns because I didn’t really like her much, we just talked in class a good bit. But Steph would ask me for a job application all the time, and I would just tell her that we weren’t hiring. I was just afraid that she’d actually come in and get an application, and then get hired. The thing is, I hadn’t talked to Steph about Becca EVER other than that ONE time. And here, I was thinking that not only would Steph remember Becca, but that she’d tell her about my feelings if she worked there. All these things had to come together, and they all had little chance of actually happening. But for some reason I was absolutely freaking out/bugging out about this. Eventually, Steph got kicked out of school for something and I never spoke to her ever again. Things cooled down with Becca, and everything was fine.

Later in 2006, I became very depressed. I had all this anxiety and next thing you know, I was depressed now. I was treated with meds and therapy for about a year and half and it really helped. But sometimes I get pretty paranoid over social stuff like I’ve explained, and it’s actually gotten worse in the last few months. It’s kind of ruined a really good friendship I had with my ex-girlfriend too, because she won’t talk to me now due to how I was acting with being paranoid over her. And before that happened with my ex, I was paranoid over a very hard one-month long ‘Spanish 3’ summer class I needed to pass for college. It would again consume me, I was obsessed. I later got an A in the class and I just felt stupid because my friends knew how upset I was getting over the class. And it’s led me to being very depressed lately. Because I’m in ‘Spanish 4’ now and it’s also very hard. It’s not as short as the ‘Spanish 3’ class, but I’m still paranoid again. And I’m very depressed over my ex and how I pushed her away with my paranoia, it’s been quite a distraction. I could explain how all that has developed too, but overall I just want to explain how ridiculous I can be with my paranoia. I don’t know what I’m even looking for by posting this, I just needed to let this out. I do need help I think, but I don’t know how to explain this to my dad because he’s already seen me go through the ‘afraid of dying’ thing and he’s seen me go through being treated for depression and it was all pretty hard on him and he often got frustrated. Thank you for reading all of this.

I’ve tried helping myself, keeping busy, hanging out with friends more, doing fun stuff with them like going out, playing sports, etc. But stuff can still make me very paranoid and consume me and just ruin my good time. I’m really in a deep funk right now, I need to get out of it. not matter what I try to do to get my mind off of things, even as ridiculous as they are, I can’t seem to do it.

[Thirteen]

Hey Sergio,

The first important thing to know about Anxiety is that it peaks in your 20's. It can easily get better by your 30's/40's.

Second, if your treatments were working before, you should probably get back to it. Mental illness is not something you can just ignore and hope it goes away. It's not something that can just be magically cured after a few appointments. It takes A LOT of time, so get back to it.

[Dr.Bobby]

Sergio, what you've got here is a bit more than just anxiety or hypochondriasis, it's irrational and it's really debilitating you. If therapy and meds worked in the past, you should get back to both ASAP, this isn't something that you'll likely outgrow, there's perhaps a biochemical basis for it, it's part of your wiring. If anything, it sounds like it getting worse.

It;s great you found the combo of meds and therpay to be so effective int he past, it's a good indication of the positive outcome now. Go call the doc.

[sergio926]

I just don't know how to tell my dad. I'm very depressed that i haven't spoken to my ex in more than a month now, and i just got very lonely because i miss her. i feel like i'm messing up other friends now too by being so down all the time. that could be my paranoia, but sometimes i feel like i'm not as close with a lot of my friends like i want to be.

I'm really in a hardcore funk right now and it's affecting my life too much. my ex is all i think about, and i obsess over that along with friend stuff. just like how i was obsessed with that spanish summer class.

It's just that, i graduate college in december (if i pass this stupid spanish 4 class) and i from there i need to take a new step in my life. that in itself is scaring me too, as i'm not sure what i want to do yet with my degree. and i also fear that i won't like that path i'm going on once i find it.

This all frustrated my dad a lot back in 2006 when i told him i thought i had depression. it made him angry when it seemed like i wasn't getting any better once i started treatment, it made him angry that i was depressed i think. he has been very supportive though and learn a lot through it, but i just think it was a lack of knowledge on his part. he didn't understand the depression. So i'm afraid to talk to him about it, but i at least want to talk to him about my problems.

[PSY]

Since you're about to graduate from college, I'm going to assume that you're an adult. As such, you do not have to tell your dad about the treatment you are receiving - you could see someone on your own time and tell your dad once treatment is well underway (how to tell your dad could be one thing to discuss with your therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist). If money is a concern, visit your college's psychological services office and ask for referrals to professionals who offer discounts to students, or use "sliding scale" fees for those who can't easily afford treatment. The psychological services office at your college may also be able to offer a few therapy sessions for free, then refer you to someone else upon graduation.