Triggering: I Lost Control Entirely

[BlueWolf]

Last night must of been the worst night of my life, and I have no idea what to do. I got through these 'episodes' I'll call them. Really they are intense mood swings. Sometimes they get severe enough to where I loose all control over them, or at least that's the way it seems. So, I had one last night, and they occur over anything, even small things. So, I tried to call my boyfrined, but he did not answer and I assumed the worse. Normally, I would say he is sleeping and try to go back to sleep myself, but there are times when I start thinking all kinds of disturbing things and freak out. I started cutting very badly. Deeper than ever and more than I have in a long time. I remember then overdosing more than I have in while. Before all of this, I had texted my boyfriend saying I wanted to kill myself. Huge problem there seeing how I turned my phone off after. I did anything and everything to make myself calm down and I was so frantic it was like I never had any sort of thought process. I felt like a puppet on strings or a small animal acting upon instict. Then I tried to go to sleep, now feeling bad from all the medicine I took.

I was woken up at four in the morning by my mom. The police were at my house for the second time. My boyfriend called them. So they told me what he said and I said I was just trying to sleep. I never told them I really did intend on killing myself (note, I wasn't just trying to kill myself I was doing anything to knock myself out such as take enough meds whether or not it meant not waking up ever again or not). I did not explain to them anything other than I was upset and admitted to telling my boyfriend that I wanted to kill myself. So I got screamed at by an officer who then asked for my I.D. then threw it at me and started putting me down because I was wasting her time. Once they left I fell apart even more. Being told by an officer that I'm a waste and having her throw my I.D. at me and yell at me? Wow. Then my mom just said how selfish I was being and at that point I just started screaming that I want to die. My mom was telling me to just go back my stuff and leave....

In the end, I didn't have to leave, I never told my mom what I did. But I only remember fragments of what else happened. I know there were four police, but I only remember one. I only remember a short clip, I don't remember anything aside from what I said about last night. I do remember that I did everything without the slightest thought. It was almost like I zoned out or blacked out or something. Anyway, I tried to sleep, but I've been feeling so numb and can't stop shaking. I think it's from overdosing. I feel better, but not much. So now that you know what happened...

What do I do? It's obvious I can't stay this way. I told my therapist and my psychiatrist about all of this type of stuff happening. They give me meds that don't help, and not much advice. I still could be forced to leave and loose my boyfriend who was just worried about me. I don't understand why this episodes keep happening and why are they worsening? I feel like such an awful person, isn't there anything else I can do to gain control of myself?

[Thirteen]

Jess,

You should probably tell your therapist, and your psychiatrist, that the medications aren't working. Emphasize that the episodes are getting worse.

To be honest, I think your boyfriend is adding to the stress, considering he seems to be one of your biggest triggers for episodes (i.e. when he doesn't answer back). Perhaps you need some time to yourself? Maybe you could voluntarily check yourself in to a hospital, if you feel you're at-risk. Remember, if you volunteer yourself, it'll be easier for you to get out of the hospital, too.

If you'd like, feel free to PM me. I might not answer back right away (I'm getting over a cold, so I'm still not feeling the best), but I'll answer as soon as I can.

[BlueWolf]

I actually broke down so bad I started telling my mom I wanted to kill myself. I don't think the hospital is an option considering my horrible financial status. I don't have a job just yet (although I might soon, but not one that would pay enough for medical bills), so I don't feel like that's an option for me.

I have told them both that the medication is not working and I'm getting worse. All I got was an increased dose that still does absolutely nothing and I'm getting no where at all!

I've been trying to seperate myself from my boyfriend, but it's been putting even more stress on me than if I didn't. My boyfriend is not willing on giving up even though he is a big part of all this stress. And honestly, he relieves a lot of it other times. Trying to seperate from him is causing a lot too. I don't think I can do it. No one has ever tried so hard to stay with me or dealt with me as easily and as well as he does. It's true he is the cause of a lot of this stress, but I think it's the boyfriend aspect that is what the problem really is. Because I have to admit, he handles these episodes well usually.... idk what to do. I've been thinking of slowly easing away. Like make myself too busy to see or talk to him all the time at first?

[Thirteen]

I understand what you're saying, I had a guy who wouldn't go after the first little break-up I had with him, and it got A LOT worse, believe me! You have to get away from them if they're doing you no good, for sure.

Well, if you get this job, that will keep you busy, giving you an excuse to part away. Things will be a lot easier for you once you start working, Jess. Keep your chin up.