my story & a few questions

[survivor2009]

i was 15 going on 16 (this happen in October 2008) when i lost my great grandpa. i never met my grandparents, either set, so my mom's grandparents were the only ones i ever met. my great grandpa died of cancer that October & i never knew until the day it happen. he never told me, no one did. and i understand why, i had been extremely close to him & it truly did break my heart when he died. i had been a freshman in h.s at the time & it had happen a week before my birthday. i don't remember my freshman year at all. it's almost as if there was a haze after he died to protect me from hurting. 7 months later in May of 2009 i made my first suicide attempt. i had fought the haze, i knew if i broke away i would be in pain. i had seen no other way to escape, my only thought then was 'let the pain stop' the haze wasn't able to block out all the pain. although it blocked out a decent portion. i never got over his death, i still hurt from it everyday. i know suffer from severe clinical depression. it's very difficult to deal with.i've attempted suicide a number of times, but they were before i was diagnosed. before i was diagnosed i cut, not horribly & at first not my wrists. i was always walking through the woods for exercise & had thought oh well a few cuts on my legs and no one will no notice -i was right no one did. but as time went on i became more depressed & moved on to cutting my wrists. i still i have tiny scars from when i did this. i also (before i was diagnosed) jumped off the wall i live near onto rocks. i ran away from home 1 night and cut my wrists and neck apart.. when my dad finally found me after a few hrs i was admitted to a hospital & it probably saved my life. i went to therapy but ended it after only a few months.. i fear never being able to have a good relationship with my mom.. she doesn't understand about my illnesses & definatley doesn't understand about my feelings. i think in her mind she sees me as ''crazy'' & that's not what i am. i've lived with bp since i was 16 i'm now almost 18 & she has yet to understand or even attempt to learn about my illness. i think it scares her to have her oldest daughter diagnosed with a mental illness. in my eyes it seems that she thinks people with mental illnesses like bp or clinical depression (like me) are crazy or in a nicer term different.i'm also afraid of being alone of never finding someone who will always be there for me. i lost my great grandpa back in '08 & he was the only person i ever really had. with him gone i don't know if i'll ever have someone to count on again. i don't have my mom, my dad doesn't understand the illness enough to help, my sister is too young to even attempt to understand & my friends have all started to abandon me.. i'm really afraid i'll always be alone. sometimes i like to be by myself but it's different than being alone. i don't wanna grow up & never have a family, in fact i want 4 kids but i'm afraid i'll never be happy with anyone.
i'm 18 now & lately after i eat i feel really bad, like i shouldn't be eating. i think i may have an eating disorder but idk. i don't make myself sick so it's not bulimia. any ideas?

[suicidaldreams]

you probably do have an eating disorder if you feel that way after you ate. Do you hate yourself after you eat?
Just because you aren't bulimic doesnt mean you dont have something that needs fixing. You dont feel right when you eat, and thats not good... It can lead to other things im sure. I myself have been a little anorexic at times because im paranoid of being fat. If you want to talk to me i might be able to help a little. Im usually pretty good at understanding what people are going through. you dont have too talk to me just keep it in mind. Especially since you said that your friends seem to be abandoning you. but im here. Good luck