I'm a bit mental

[Ella.x]

Okay, so following a possible few panic attacks today and the last few days feeling overly stressed/anxious, I've snapped. I keep alternating between laughing manically, crying hysterically and panicking. I'm quite concrned because I actually don't care about anything anymore. I've made plans to kill myself and all I can do is laugh about it. I've bitten myself, cut myself, taken 3 overdoses in the past week (only hospitalised for 1), hit myself with a hammer, just general self destructive shit.
I feel like life is a joke and I am the punchline! I really don't know what to do. I can't work like this, but I don't know what (if any) meds/therapies will sort me out. I genuinely feel like I have cracked up, like I am officially crazy now"
My social worker thinks I have borderline personality disorder - could this be linked with that, or am I literally insane? hahahahah!

I'm really sorry to keep posting, but I really am experiencing a "crisis" I guess. I just cut myself again and I can't sleep even though I need to be up early tomorrow. It's all going wrong and I really don't know who can help me

[Palmolive]

Hi Ella.

I know I just replied to your other post but I thought I'd shoot a reply back to this one too.

You sound like you feel helpless and I want you to know that you are not helpless. Someone at the age of twenty, can not be helpless. You have your entire life ahead of you and you can still do what ever the hell you want in life. It is all at your feet.

You say you don't know if any one or any medication can help you and truth be told some people don't think these things helpful, but you don't know that until you've started them and stuck them out for a while and actually really worked with these people and try and help yourself. I've been in counseling for three years just over, I've been in a psych unit three times and I've been on different anti-depresents and anti-psychotics and I am still trying to find something which helps me. My point is is that you starting therapy or medication is not going to magically cure you in a few days. It is a long and hard process and it's going to take time and dedication and you are going to have to put a hell of a lot of work in to you getting better but these things can help. Like I've said before, just having someone there to talk to and rant to can help.

The self destruction ways you're doing to cope with how you are feeling are dangerous. And I know how hard it is to beat urges when you so badly want to kill yourself and hurt you. I know what it feels like to want to feel that physical pain to stop the emotional pain, but you can stop you. You don't have to do these things and it won't be easy but only YOU can stop YOURSELF. If you did go in to counseling, they can help you, but they can not stop you from doing these actions, they're not in control of you and neither are we. Only you can take that responsibility.

I know this is hard for you right now but the only person who can stop you from getting through this is yourself. You need to help yourself in this. You need to work with people and start to beat these urges. You're worth so much and life has so much to offer you, don't throw it away.

Stay strong and keep fighting,
Jessie

[Ella.x]

I've been on several different antidepressants and seroquel as well. I should be starting DBT soon too hopefully. I'm feeling slightly more calm this morning, although I felt like I was going to have a panic attack all morning at work. I'm going to ring up my doctor tomorrow and try and get an appointment as soon as possible, because I can't carry on like this. I'm wondering if it might be worthwhile to take some time off work? I've never had time off for anything other than physical illness so I'm not sure how to go about telling my employer, or how bad it has to be before it's acceptable to take time off due to stress.

[Fairy Poppins]

Originally Posted by Ella.x

I'm not sure how to go about telling my employer, or how bad it has to be before it's acceptable to take time off due to stress.

After reading your first post, I think you definitely qualify!!

Just get a doctor's note and that should do most of the explaining for you.

I've taken time off for stuff like this once before and because it had been authorised by a doctor, my employer didn't ask many questions.

You really must take some time out for yourself, because you could end up having a "breakdown" of some kind, if you haven't already.

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I hope the DBT helps when you eventually get it.

[Ella.x]

Originally Posted by Fairy Poppins

After reading your first post, I think you definitely qualify!!

Just get a doctor's note and that should do most of the explaining for you.

I've taken time off for stuff like this once before and because it had been authorised by a doctor, my employer didn't ask many questions.

You really must take some time out for yourself, because you could end up having a "breakdown" of some kind, if you haven't already.

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I hope the DBT helps when you eventually get it.

Thanks for the reply. I'm just so scared of being "found out,"deemed to be a fraud and marched back to work, you know? I've arranged to move in with my dad in january because I can't afford to live on my own at the moment, but I think that will probably be good for me as it will temporarily get rid of my money problems. I am also going to quit my job soon, because after speaking to my colleagues, the way we get treated by the office is only getting worse - I was in tears for over an hour today because the office made a mistake and were blaming it on me, telling me that because I couldn't get to a job that I wasn't told I had, it was all going to make me look bad and I could risk getting disiplinary action taken against me.
I must admit, it certainly feels like I'm having some sort of breakdown. My mum came over to see me earlier because she was worried about mebecause I sent her a garbled text message about how much I hate my job and when she phoned me, I was just crying and crying and crying. I've phoned in sick for tomorrow and I am definately going to get a doctors appointment even if I have to beg for one.

[Fairy Poppins]

Originally Posted by Ella.x

Thanks for the reply. I'm just so scared of being "found out,"deemed to be a fraud and marched back to work, you know?

But you're NOT being fraudulent.

Originally Posted by Ella.x

I've arranged to move in with my dad in january because I can't afford to live on my own at the moment, but I think that will probably be good for me as it will temporarily get rid of my money problems. I am also going to quit my job soon, because after speaking to my colleagues, the way we get treated by the office is only getting worse - I was in tears for over an hour today because the office made a mistake and were blaming it on me, telling me that because I couldn't get to a job that I wasn't told I had, it was all going to make me look bad and I could risk getting disiplinary action taken against me.

Wow, the office staff really are a bunch of tw*ts.

Like you need that sort of sh*t.

Originally Posted by Ella.x

I must admit, it certainly feels like I'm having some sort of breakdown. My mum came over to see me earlier because she was worried about mebecause I sent her a garbled text message about how much I hate my job and when she phoned me, I was just crying and crying and crying. I've phoned in sick for tomorrow and I am definately going to get a doctors appointment even if I have to beg for one.

Yes try to get to the doctor's ASAP, if not tomorrow then phone in sick again on Tuesday and try again. You can self-certificate yourself for up to 7 days anyway, so you don't need to panic if you don't manage to get an appointment for tomorrow.

It's good that your parents care and I think that not having money worries will take a lot of pressure off you, so I'm pleased to hear you're moving in with your dad.

Take care and feel free to PM me day or night.

J. x

[Ella.x]

Originally Posted by Fairy Poppins

Wow, the office staff really are a bunch of tw*ts.

Yeah, I phoned in last night and told them I had a migraine so they wouldn't pressure me to work anyways and they phoned me a 7 this morning to ask me to do more work and when I explained that I was ill they said "Oh, is your headache not gone then?" I'm quitting in January regardless of whether I have another job to go to or not.
I've got a doctors appointment in 40 mins and I'm taking in a list of all my "symptoms" because knowing me, I'll just forget everything I want to say as soon as I get in there. I'm going to ask about going back on antidepressants too because I clearly am rubbish without them.

Update:
I went there, she signed me off work for a week, but won't give me anything to help me sleep because she reckons I'll just overdose again (she's probably right to be honest), and just told me to let my care coordinator know, but I'm not really sure if I'll be receptive to any talking therapies in this state. Oh well, I've got to try, I can't carry on like this.