Help me. I feel...

[HaloCC]

...nothing.

Since a little kid I was alone. My parents were busy working though I had a good relationship with them and they played with me as a kid. My 2 brothers also played with me as a kid but we started to grow apart until we stopped caring about each other. I don't have a good relationship with any other member of my family either and I never really had a "best" friend. I would talk to my class mates and all but most of them wouldn't really take me seriously since I was never really accepted because the popular kids were though and made everyone though I was different. The adults always said I was far more mature than others and that I was ahead of my age in many aspects of my psychology. So it was hard for me to make friends and I never got to make a best friend. The feeling of been alone, depression, hate and rage filled me at first but as years went by they started to fade.

At first I though it was great that I couldn't feel those sad feelings anymore. I though my life would improve since I am growing immunity to those feelings. The pain was gone! The feeling of emptiness that I felt on my chest many many times was gone! I realized, I dont mind been alone anymore. That though, scares me. I still think having friends would be better but this idea (having friends would be better) is also starting to fade. I am afraid this will continue, that I will one day truly believe been alone will be better! I don't want that to happen cause I do not want to this feelings to go away! I fear that if I stop feeling sad, that if I stop feeling this pain, I will stop feeling alive.

Last year I moved far away from the place I used to call home as a little child. I came to live with my mother that had divorced from my father and left us 3 years before I came here, because of the bad economic situation. Since then, I have changed the place I life in 3 times and school twice too. When ever I started making new friends I have had to leave them behind.

I don't know what to do. It has become very complicated to make friends and I started to care less and less about making new ones. Help, what am I suppose to do?

[PSY]

Hey there! I can relate to your situation - there was a large period in my life where I didn't "need" friends. I actually preferred to be alone, and it didn't bother me that I didn't go out on weekends with people I had met. There were a number of life events that led to this mentality, though, and once I worked through those issues, I started to realize that my life was incomplete without friends. They didn't have to be close friends (to this day, I still don't have any "best" friends), but I wanted a social life. I wanted to connect with people.

If you want to connect with people, then you have to be willing to reach out first. This is just a guess on my part, but I think you've given up on the idea of having lasting and meaningful friendships, based on past experiences (being too mature, moving around). This indifference toward making friends may be your way of coping with previous painful experiences. If that's the case, then there's no reason why you can't change your mentality (like I did) and begin to take steps in a more positive direction. =) I'm not saying it will be easy at first (it took me a few years before I saw any real progress), but it can be done!

There are rare instances where individuals will develop mental disorders (ex. schizoid personality disorder), where a person truly desires to be alone and doesn't miss the companionship of other people. I want to emphasize that this is NOT the norm, however, and you shouldn't reach this conclusion unless you have seen a psychological professional who can properly assess and diagnose you. One risk of self-diagnosis is that you may prematurely conclude that nothing can be done - and what I am trying to tell you is that there is a good chance you can turn things around.

You're welcomed to PM me any time if you would like to keep talking about this. =) I wish you all the best!