Am I a pedophile?

[duly_noted]

I am a seventeen-year-old girl, with a loving boyfriend, and who is mostly normal in every other way.

Except I have been up all night worrying if I'm a pedophile. I have to catch up on some reading homework that I've been procrastinating on, so I drank two large mugs of coffee to stay up and read, but now I can't sleep and this is all that's on my mind. I cannot convince myself to calm down. I am so scared.

I've been worrying for the past couple of months now, and I really need to get this straightened out. I'm scared to talk to anyone, because I'm scared I'll just be labeled as a freak or if I tell a mental health professional, they'll tell my mom and then everyone will know and then everyone will hate me and I already hate myself for it.

It started with a feeling that I wish I'd done more sexual exploring when I was younger. I never really played "doctor" with anyone, I was always very sexually naive. And then it moved on to, I sort of wished I'd been molested when I was younger. I have no clue why, and I can't tell this to anyone because I know people and am friends with people who have been molested. But I was sexually aroused by the idea of being young and vulnerable and being completely overpowered by someone. I haven't had any sexual urges toward small children, but I'm worried, doesn't all this already mean I'm a pedophile? Does the fact that I'm worried at all mean that?

I only seem to worry about this when I'm all alone, at night, just thinking, worrying. My boyfriend is far away at the moment, and I've never been able to make myself orgasm by myself, so I'm wondering if this is related? Am I just sexually frustrated? I feel so sick. I felt nauseous earlier, thinking about all this. Am I a pedophile, even if I haven't felt any need to touch a child sexually? Will I become one? How can I fix this? Will it go away?

Please, I really need help. I feel like if I had a gun I would blow my brains out, I'm so scared and nervous and disgusted and worried. What if my boyfriend found out? He loves me dearly, but would he hated me? He himself was molested as a child. I hate myself, so, so much. I've hated myself before this, but this just seems like more piling on. Do I hate myself so much that I'm making myself out to be a monster? Or do I hate myself because deep down, I am a monster?

Please, please help me.


Edit: I'm feeling nauseous again, and (TMI) experiencing some diarrhea. I'm thinking this is from too much caffeine. Could this whole episode be from too much caffeine? Should I make myself throw up and see if I feel any better? I'm a little less shaky, but I'm still scared. But I think my tiredness is starting to affect me. Please, I beg you, I need help as soon as possible. Please...


Edit 2: It's me again. I finally tired myself out enough last night to go to sleep, and I got about four hours, and I feel none of this panic. I've realized these episodes of worrying that I'm a pedophile only happen late at night, when I'm thinking too fast to go to sleep. I don't believe I have bipolar disorder, but I'm starting to think this may be some sort of bigger issue. I'm trying to look to family history to solve it, but my family, especially my father's side, is very private with health matters. What I do know, my maternal grandmother has a lot of symptoms of the disorder, and my mother has what I believe is called a cyclothymic personality? Basically, she sometimes has more-severe-than-normal moodswings, but they usually aren't very harmful. Could I have something similar? With an almost clear head (just suffering some hunger pains and tiredness), I can think rationally and know I am not, nor am I in danger of becoming, a pedophile. But these episodes are starting to wear on me. What should I do?

[ThornedRose]

Do one thing for me
Look up p-ocd. Trust me.

[Lars]

Your not a pedophile by any means, you just have repressed sexual urges that you need to let out. Try maybe experimenting more with your boy friend more or something.

[OMFG!You'reActuallySmart!]

The fact you're worried doesn't mean anything because the diagnosis for pedophilia involves sexual acts with or thinking about doing to someone who is at least 5 years younger. In that sense, your boyfriend would be 12 years old or younger.

In my forensic psychology course involving FBI profilers and RCMP experts, I did a research paper on the typologies and treatments of pedophilia. One typology was called the experimenter, which states the individual is young, either in late teens to early/mid 20s and tries a variety of sexual acts to see what they're comfortable with. Whether you fit into that is irrelevant because it first requires a positive diagnosis of pedophilia. Wanting to be molested isn't pedophilia and isn't sexual masochism unless you derive some sexual pleasure out of it. I guess the closest would be rape fantasy/rape play, where people act out a rape scene but are actually 2 consenting individuals in a relationship. There's no reason to think you're a pedophile as nothing you posted even suggests that so I'm not sure why you're hooked on that idea.

[duly_noted]

I absolutely cannot tell you how much you guys have helped. Especially you, ThornedRose. POCD makes total sense. I've felt calmer today, less jittery, but I've still been worrying. I can't even begin to describe how much better I feel. I'm sure the doubts will come back, but I'm going to seek help. Just knowing that there is an explanation helps so much. I can go to bed tonight with at least a little piece. Thank you.

[Dream]

No, you're not a pedophile, and it is unlikely that you'll ever become one. Having these thoughts does not mean you will become one, and really it seems more like you're just having a lot of sexual anxiety.