Lost just being complicated me

[kyliegurl]

I am having a hard time with just being me. My mental health issues are very complex. I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder when I was 14, Post traumatic stress disorder when I was 15, and Bulimia when I was 16, to top it off I also self harm and have major suicidal tendencies with dozens of attempts. To deal with all of this I take 19 pills a day. Even my psychiatrist says I am on a lot of meds to control my illnesses. I see my psychiatrist weekly, an eating disorder therapist once a month and a private therapist once a month. I have been to the psych ward several times, the longest time 8 days.

I am adopted, I was taken from my biological mother when I was 12 because of sever emotional, physical and sexual abuse. My dad adopted me when I was 13. He tries his best to understand me but he struggles as a single dad with no prior parenting experience. I once over heard one of my friends parents say 'You missed all the sweetness and jumped into the bitchiness'. I love him a lot. I think I have missed a lot not having a mom in my life though. My dads biggest fault is that when he gets even a little concerned with me he calls 911 and we end up having the police here and ambulance, it is always the same arrest me under the mental health act take me to the hospital, talk to a mental health worker and a doctor, and be sent home. The police, paramedics and nurses all know me by full name, and I am sure they are sick of dealing with my shite.

I will be the first to admit I am not pleasant to raise, until a few months ago I was sneaking out of the house and going to parties, running away, drinking, smoking and other at risk stuff. I was able to turn that stuff around and get my act together to graduate this year.

Most days I feel really blah, my meds take away so much of my creativity. I have periods of time when I just get so angry by everything. I am in so much legal trouble because I threatened my dad during an 'episode of anger', so far all I am on is probation and I have to do a group called the step-up program for teens who are violent at home. I go back to court in May.

I so haven't told my friends this stuff and just wanted to vent it all. I feel like it is all too much sometimes. There are so many times I am on the edge of saying screw it and stop my meds and therapy and let what happens happen.

How much can a person really take before giving up? I know I am still young and have my whole life ahead of me and all that, but sometimes it feels like I have no control of my life, everyone else does. I know where I want to be but just can't seem to take the right steps to get there. I am set to attend university and hopefully do well enough to get into social work. I have a real hard time with identifying emotions and feelings, I am told because of my abuse. There are so many days I just want to give up and die, just to escape being me.

I think I will leave it at that

[Ambush_Reality]

It really suck's that you have to deal with all this shit. Please don't give up! You seem like a very nice person ^^ Sorry I can't be of more help but if you ever need to talk feel free to PM me ! Hang in there x