Non-PG13 (Strong Language): Life, What Is It?

[Alergnon]

I feel like I have failed everyone. I keep fucking up to the point I'm lost and stuck. Why is life so fucking pointless? I'm sick of myself.

So on the 5th- I have a friend who is an international student from a different country, I used to be roomies with him then he moved and he's moved back in town. Well, Thursday he came over to chat and then we hung out in the evening. I had asked if he can buy me some beer. He said sure. Well, that night I had 3 beers, I never felt drunk but he told me I was. Well, I invited him to my room and we had unprotected sex. I felt so horrible I had a fourth beer and cut my foot. The next day I went to the health unit and bought Plan B.

That same day, I had a mentoring session with my mentor from Church. When I came back he was on the couch watching T.V, I then invited him to my room to watch a movie. Well, that movie was sex. Horrible sex I've ever had with all my partners I've had. I told him to leave and he did. Once he did I broke down and cried, cried myself to sleep. I woke up and had my last beer that I had.

Well, I felt so horrible I sent my mentor a e-mail and my Pastor an e-mail about what had happened. They both said what I was telling them, Paul in the Bible was going through.

Thing is I never felt bad about it before, but after I started to really hate myself. I don't know if I regret it or if I don't.

I really hate myself for everything in my life right now I can't look at myself in the mirror and say "your great," I just can't. I feel as if my life is fucking stupid. I feel stupid. [Edited] I've been struggling with some sort of self-destructive ways for 4 years now.

My self-esteem is so horrible I don't eat a lot during the day. I feel as if I look skinnier people will like me more, I'll have more friends, guys will see me. What is wrong with me? I'm average. I'm not skinny nor fat, average. I want to lose weight to look better, to be able to fit in my pants a year ago.

All I want to do is cry, but crying never does anything for me. My arms are screaming at me, "cut me," I want to, and I will. My life is so hard right now. I'm failing a class. My marks aren't as high as I want them to be. I live off Government assist and I hardly have anything, not a lot of food, I buy used clothing because I can't afford new clothing. Most of all my money goes to rent. I really want this to end.

My life is harder than anything. I feel as though I'm still being verbally abused and I haven't been around it for about 2 years. It yells and rips my insides up. I'm so scared of myself. I'm my worst enemy. I've been to counselors since I've started counseling, I've been to about 10 or 11 counselors in a year and half period. I'm sick of it. Being moved around and once you hit 18 where I'm from your not considered a "youth" anymore. So, I had to find a counselor. I'm grateful that Church is paying for my counseling, I go to a private Christian counselor and she is helping me a lot.

[escape_thereal_world]

I think you should copy this post and give it to your counselor when you go next. Letting your counselor in can be so helpful! And sometimes it's hard to remember how you were feeling, but I can tell you wrote this post while you were upset. Your counselor should see how upset you are so they can help you to the fullest.

About the sex. It sounds like you did regret it. Do you know why? If it was because you didn't have protection, try getting on some birth control (can get it really cheap or sometimes free through Planned Parenthood). Or just use condoms next time. If it was the person you were with, stop hanging out with them. Or at least stop taking them to your room. Stay in the living room and watch movies or tv.

As for your looks. What don't you like? Your skin? Use some face scrub to smooth it out. Add some foundation if you want. Or concealer. Is it your eyebrows? Pluck them!

There are ways to make yourself feel prettier. Even if there is nothing wrong to other people, you can put on makeup if it makes you feel better. Not because you need it, but it makes YOU feel prettier.

As for eating...Thanks to marketing, girls and some guys too, feel they need to be a pole to be beautiful and look good and have a great life. Though we know that's not true, what our eyes see says something different. It sucks. But you have to remember if you get too skinny, you look likes bones, and you get unhealthy and will be in and out of hospitals and doctors until you get to a healthy weight again. Sure, lose some weight if it doesn't endanger your health and stay within a healthy weight. It's okay to want to lose a few pounds. Just don't lose TOO much.

If you need to talk, PM me. Sorry this wasn't replied to sooner!