Will i be like this forever?

[Anonimous]

Hey people,

Damn this is a long topic, Sorry. You dont have to read it.
Im a 16 year old boy.
I dont think im totally insane, but still quite insane.
Since i was born i always had anger issues, I have beaten people up in grade school. And i always got in trouble almost every single day. Went to the therapist when i was 8 or 9 i dont really remember. I continued going there for about 3-4 years then i wasn't so agressive anymore. So i stopped going there, When i got to high school it was still alright. But some teachers were so unfair that i got angry again. Got expelled 3 or 4 times in 2 years. So i went to the therapist again, Did help a little.

Now im no longer really angry but i got depressed in the second year of high school and that was really bad and im still haunted by my memories. I tried to smoke my memories away with weed, So i smoked weed every day for about 1.5 years. I now still do it to get to sleep. Oh yea i also got diagnosed with a disharmonic intelligence profile, I dont really understand what it is and how it affects me even though i searched google. Maybe anyone else has it? I got quite social anxious and pessimistic since my depression was over. I don't think im able to ever get a girlfriend, And the girl i love is kinda scared of me because i loved her during my depression and i did some really crazy stuff.

But really, I don't see it happen that i fall in love with someone else and they will actually love me back. And i don't wanna be alone my whole life, I don't want to work from 9 till 5. I don't have problem with making friends and nobody bullies me cause im known as the crazy guy who can beat anyone up. But i dont wanna be that crazy guy i just wanna be normal like evryone else. But somehow i can't have a normal conversation with any girl.

I also get the idea im kinda evil and i hurt people impulsively. Only when they are making fun of me or making me feel embaraced. I don't like life really but i have to since my mom, my dad and sister would be really sad if i took my life. So yea i wanna kill myself but ill never do it until my parents are dead. So dont worry about that.
Anyways, will i ever be able to be normal and have a normal life? And if so, How can i make myself normal?

Thanks for reading this whole thing(If anyone did;P)
Anonimous.

[Total Light Storm]

Hey,

It is great you want help with this.
By posting here you are reaching out for help which is a huge step to take so you are awesome for doing that.
You mentioned how therapy helped you a couple of times in the past, is there a way you could go back into therapy?
I think if it has helped you a couple of times, why not try it again for your depression.
I am not sure what a disharmonic intelligence profile is, but maybe you could ask a therapist or your doctor to explain it to you.
I hope this helps.
You can message me if you ever need someone to talk to.
Take care.

[leavemealone]

Only you know if your ever going to be "normal". Besides, being normal is overrated :P And if someone is making fun of you or embarassing you on purpose in a mean way, then you have a right to stick up for yourself. But don't let it get to the point where your screaming and yelling at each other. And as for girls, its normal to be nervous around them haha I don't know one guy who isn't all sweaty palms and red face around a girl. But this all really takes time and patience to get to the point where your happy with everything in your life. Your not going to be alone your whole life, everybody worries about that, but your going to find someone eventually. Your only 16; give it some time

[xxprincessxx]

Hey,

First of all I read the whole thing and I am really sorry that you've been going through all of this. Would it be possible for you to go back to a therapist and talk these things through. Being depressed isn't fun and I know that you said you would never act on the suicidal impulses but it would still be better to talk to somebody about it than not.

Also, you don't know that you'll never have a girlfriend. You're still young and in high school, right? you have so much time left. I realize that you don't like people considering you the "crazy guy who beats people up," but it's high school and people talk. Maybe try talking to people and showing them you're not that person anymore. After you graduate you have a change to re-define yourself and meet new people! You can get through this.

I also looked up disharmonic intelligence profile, basically all it means is that you excell in certain subjects a lot more than others.

If you ever want to talk or anything, feel free to PM me.

[Anonimous]

Thanks a lot all
My old therapist moved to another part of the country
And i'm scared to talk about it to a stranger.
But if it worsens and i go really depressed again i will try to make myself do that. Oh yea and about the re-defining myself part, Im not having trouble making friends cause people are scared of me and they want my help against the other kids, So they all act nice to me. If i drop my tough guy act i will be the lonely guy with no friends.. + people will bully me for being silent so much.
I dont know how this pm thing works, but ill try it when i need it
Really aprecciate your help.

[PSY]

I agree with the other members who have posted. Considering your suicidal thoughts and the problems you are currently experiencing with school/social relationships, I think it would be best to see a psychological professional. They may be a "stranger," but remember: your therapist was also a "stranger" at one point, and we are strangers, but you've managed to share your story with us! While it may be difficult to open up at first, you could clearly benefit from seeing a psychological professional again.

I have never heard of "disharmonic intelligence profiles" before, but based on a quick Google search, it seems that you may have normal or above-average intelligence in some areas, while having below-average intelligence in other areas. I use "intelligence" loosely... for example, "intelligence" could refer to academic skills as well as social skills. Out of curiosity, have you ever been diagnosed with a mental illness and/or learning disability?

You are NOT evil. You just need help, and we ALL need help at some point in our lives. =) I wish you all the best.

[Anonimous]

Thanks
I have not been diagnosed with any mental illness or learning disability.
But i probally have some kind of mental illness, And its not that im very depressed i'm just realistic. I will try to make up an excuse to go to a new therapist. My parents have never known of my depression and i'd like to keep it that way.