Seriously, what's wrong with me?

[McFish]

I don't know where to start, other than hello...

I'm depressed alot, but lately it hasn't been alot of 'dark thinking' like usual. Lately it's just been horribly, horribly down... maybe I've just gotten better at trying not to let myself think about self-harming etc etc etc. The other day I caught myself thinking it would be better if I was never born, I actually said it to myself while driving to work.. thinking everyone would be better off.

Most of all, lately.. I've just been angry. Angry, angry, angry. I get so angry it sometimes scares me, after I realize just how angry I get. Sometimes the anger causes me to be actually, deeply depressed.. and sometimes it's the other way around (depression causes the anger). The other day I seriously contemplated slamming my perfectly fine car (that I need every day) into someone else's parked car because I was so angry at them.

I also get really paranoid. Not paranoid like, people are following me, but mostly it involves work (I think it always has, when I get paranoid); I feel like everyone is talking behind my back whenever I can't hear them properly and get extremly paranoid that I'm going to lose my job (which leads to both anger and depressed feelings). This gets to be so much and moves into such a continuous cycle that I don't know if I ever full get out of it.

Some people ask me if I get 'overly happy' like a 'bipolar manic episode', my honest answer to this is that I don't really know. I'm not always down or angry or paranoid, and I'm not always 'normal' either (lately it seems I'm never 'normal'). I get periods, very brief periods that hardly ever last more than a few hours (half a day at the very most, that I can recall anyways) that almost seem like I'm on drugs or extremly high on caffiene or something.

I just don't know what's wrong with me. I am pretty much 100% positive that it's not just depression; I'm so bad at researching this kind of thing though, that I haven't found anything that it sounds like.

It's not that I want there to be something wrong with me, I would love it if I was perfectly 'normal' (I know there is no such thing). But, when these things are going on, and I don't have anyone to really talk to... I can't say things are normal... 'regular people' don't feel this way.. do they?

I really hope someone can help me, I'm at a serious loss. Please help!

I'll add more if anyone has questions.

[LeapOfFayth]

Yes regular people feel that way. Regular people can feel depressed, suicidal, paranoid, ocd, can hear things or see things that aren't there, etc..

You don't have to have anything wrong with you for any of that to happen, you just need to be stressed. Sure you might have depression, but you might also just be missing sleep and dealing with a large amount of prolonged stress in your life too.

Either way what regular people do is go to a doctor, because they recognize that what's going on isn't healthy, obviously you do too as you posted on this site.

When it comes to anything mental health the answer is pretty much always go see your doctor.

[Bridghid]

I agree with Ricky, it is perfectly normal to feel a degree of anxiety. Mild anxiety is experienced by pretty much everyone at some point. Stress is a major factor, and so is depression.

The only thing to do really is to talk to your doctor about what is doing on. Be specific and honest about when you feel like this and how long it has been happening for. As well, let them know about any medications you are on (even the OTC stuff). Sometimes medications have some weird side effects.

It's good that you have been able to stay away from self injury. It takes a lot of strength not to self injure. Stay strong. Please feel free to message me if you need to talk about anything.

[McFish]

Sorry it's taken so long to repost to you guys.

I don't want to necessarily say you're wrong, but it just seems that it's really not normal. I have been diagnosed with something before but it didn't fit, and the next person I saw basically called the person that had diagnosed me stupid.

I have an issue with seeing a doctor because I don't have a family doctor and any 'walk-in' doctor I see.. well frankly, they're all retarded (about everything, mainly I think they just don't want to spend the time)!

I haven't been any more stressed than usual, for the most part, and I've been getting proper amounts of sleep (nothing has really changed consistantly anyways).

In case your answers are anything to do about age (ie hormones etc) I am in my early/mid 20's.

I guess I'm just at a loss, because I've been told that there is something wrong with me.. and been given ideas of what it may be...

But at the same time (from the same person/people, in real life by the way) I've been told that there isn't anything wrong with me. I guess this just leaves me horribly confused because I don't feel like I should be going to see someone or what have you if there is nothing wrong with me.. but at the same time, I feel that there is something wrong, I just don't know what it is.

Sorry for the awful grammer... just typing as I'm thinking.

Please ask questions as I know I'm probably leaving stuff out.