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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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Odyne Online
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Falling back to my old eating habits - March 16th 2013, 10:28 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of eating disorders, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

First of all, I want you to know, once I was dying from anorexia, and my body is already damaged. It's nothing new to me, I've been dealing with anorexia and bulimia for the past 3-4 years. Then I got some antipsycotic medication, and I got bulimia. I binged and purged, and I gained weight. Before that I was underweight, so now I'm normal weight. But I feel so fat.

I have schizophrenia, and my life is falling apart.
My mom got the diagnosis Cancer last week, and two weeks ago I got out of hospital after 4 months on force in a mental hospital.

One day the voices said there was poison in the food, so I didn't ate.
After that, it's gotten out of control. I count calories and I starve myself, just like I did a half year ago. I want to lose weight, fast. And much.

I just feel like a fat anorexic. I'm not underweight, but I starve myself, and I'm dizzy and I'm not feeling well. But this is my safety.
This is my control.

I'm going on an ED-center, and I'm about to have the last apointment there.
Because I've started at a new center for schizophrenia.
They think it's best that I'm there instead of the ED-center.
They have no idea how bad it is again.

And I can't tell them.
Because I want to lose weight.
I.. I need to lose weight.

I'm sorry.





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Re: Falling back to my old eating habits - March 16th 2013, 02:06 PM

Hey sweet.

So I've always admired you and I cannot honestly pinpoint the reason. Maybe it's because you've had your struggles and still managed to survive. Maybe it's because I identify a lot with you. Maybe it's because I think you have a beautiful soul that's been hurt by so much. Or maybe it's because I'm weird. Who knows.

Anyway. You know as well as I do there isn't words I can magically say to fix the world. There is no eraser for all of this pain, there is no way of numbing this, there is no way for me to pick up all of the pieces and make them make perfect sense. Without being blunt, you have gone through what I think qualifies as a fuckload, and there's this thing about pain- it demands to be felt. You can try to cover it up with whatever you want, but it will still demand to be felt, it will still manifest itself in other ways. As long as your perception of an event doesn't change, your feelings on said event won't either.

I've forgotten who first told me that "Perspective was Everything". But it's something I try to live by now. Bad things are going to happen, but it's how you look at them- at least in my opinion. Don't let your head make things irrational, to the best of your ability rationalize every thought you have. Don't let your head make things worse than they are. Challenge the hell out of the self destructive thoughts in your head. Life is dark right now, black, painful. And yes it's tempting to fall back into what we know as a source of comfort, distraction, "safety". Funnily enough, that was my excuse too. Anorexia was my safety blanket, starving gave me a purpose, it gave me something to focus on in a fast paced life I couldn't deal with. It gave me an excuse to myself to fail. But also? It wrecked my body, and trust me, you can ALWAYS do more damage to your body. You know this will kill you if you let it, I know you do. That isn't safety. And the voices in your head want you dead, Lucy, if they tell you things like the food is poisoned.

Where's that part inside you that wants to live? Don't think about the consequence of telling someone you're doing this. Just do it. Fight girl. Fucking fight because you have not lived this long to give up now. Wake up, look at what you're doing. C'mon beautiful.



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Re: Falling back to my old eating habits - March 16th 2013, 03:41 PM

Hey there, I think that you have a lot going on. So it makes sense to me that you're falling back to your 'safety' net. Something that stood out to me that you said was- "First of all, I want you to know, once I was dying from anorexia, and my body is already damaged. It's nothing new to me, I've been dealing with anorexia and bulimia for the past 3-4 years. " To me this indicates that you understand the hurt, pain, and damage an ED causes. So you logically can say that ED's aren't any good. But on the other side of you, the one that's taking over, is the side that wants the ED. And that's only natural. If we don't have new habits or coping mechanisms in place of the old ones, then the old ones will stick around. And not only do you have to KNOW and LEARN new coping mechanisms, you have to apply those every single day.

I think that you need to let them know on your last appointment that this is something you're still struggling with. You may not want to, but you NEED to. It comes down to fighting for your life with the more logical side of yourself. Sometimes telling someone something, or even doing something, requires us to step out of ourselves (almost like a new person) and say the things we need to say in order for us to be better. Even if it's scary. Even if it hurts. Or even if it's uncomfortable. Because if it wasn't all of those things, you wouldn't have a problem. You are in control though. YOU control what happens in your life. So basically if comes down to choices. Choose recovery. Choose to fight. Choose to live,

Take care of yourself. You're going to be okay, so long as YOU believe that.
<3


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Re: Falling back to my old eating habits - March 21st 2013, 03:47 PM

Thank you so much for your answers. I don't have enough energy to give you the replies you deserve, but thank you.
I just don't know what to do. Today is a bad day.





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