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Macaronimeow Offline
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I Hate Myself - May 20th 2013, 12:11 AM

Trigger Warnings: Self harm, Bulimia, Anorexia(?) Self hatred
-Sorry for ranting, I just need to get this off of my chest. Im not looking for a specific kind of answer or help, feel free to not read it. Thanks-

I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I have always been the fat friend, that annoying fat girl that people talk to because they pity her. I am 5'4'', [EDITED], and look disgusting. Ive been poked fun at by my peers, friends, and even my family. I hate looking in the mirror. I started selfharming in 7th grade, along with starving myself off and on. In 8th grade the diets got more intense and I tried purging, but that didnt work out too well. I tried and tried to stop eating, but after a while I would always break down. Most of this is still going on now. I wear baggy clothing to hide myself, and to hide the cuts&scars all over my arms and legs. It's challenging in the summer, because people start to question why you are wearing a hoodie and sweatpants in eighty degree weather. And I love swimming, but I cant wear a swimsuit. I compare myself to everyone around me, all of the time. I cant stop. I just want to be skinny, I just want to be able to see my collarbone and hipbones and not be afraid to go out into public. Eversince I was little, I have been insecure about being fat. I want to not have stretch marks going down my thighs, and to be able to see my jawline. A few weeks ago I had a dream that I had a thigh gap, and I woke up on the verge of tears. I started doing track around two months ago, but I am the slowest on the team and I constantly feel like I am letting them down. Ontop of that, I have sports induced asthma, and have to take an inhaler before every practice. Even with it, I cant keep up with them. It just makes me hate myself even more.

Last edited by Coffee.; May 20th 2013 at 01:33 AM. Reason: Please do not post weight numbers, they are against Code of Conduct. Thanks! :)
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Eljoria Offline
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Re: I Hate Myself - May 20th 2013, 01:46 PM


I know you may not be looking for anyone to answer to your post but I think you should keep going no matter if your slow, you will get there eventually.



Live the life.
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Re: I Hate Myself - May 20th 2013, 04:14 PM

remember , when you're feeling you're getting nowhere , know you are farther than you would be if you were just sitting watching tv. a start is all it takes , if you keep on trying and giving your best , you will achieve . the only way to lose weight and really keeping it off would be by excersizing without overeating . it may take some time . but you'll get there AND YOUR ALREADY ON YOUR WAY ! THATS AmAZING ! so keep it up ! you're a real inspiration
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Re: I Hate Myself - May 26th 2013, 02:32 AM

I know how you feel and Im sorry that your going through this. It sucks waking up every day and hating everything about yourself. Having to look in the mirror every day.. Feeling insecure.. But things will get better. Your beautiful and don't let anyone tell you different.
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Re: I Hate Myself - May 27th 2013, 12:00 AM

Hello there

It is scary how much you remind me of myself. I wanted to be as fast as the other girls and as skinny as the other girls. If I ever had to go swimming or wear something that wasn't baggy, I sucked in my belly all day long.

Long story short, I got myself into a diet train wreck. I restricted, I purged, I exercised, I obsessed. It finally got to the point where I was living off of diet coke and next to nothing calorie soup. Literally nothing else. THEN came the day when my body couldn't take it anymore and I fainted at work. Right in the middle of a nursing home dining room. The poor residents didn't deserve to see that. The nurses had to help ME instead of helping the residents and I scared the crap out of my co-workers.

From there, I went to the doctors and it all came out. I had an eating disorder. I am now in an outpatient mental services program.

A lot of the times, it all comes down to "Would I rather be skinny or would I rather be healthy?". And I know that your reflex would be to say "Skinny of course" but when you think about it, would you? Would you give up the sports, your job, your health just to be skinny? I know sometimes being skinny seems like that only thing that matters but it's not. It is okay to want to lose weight in a healthy way if you are overweight but it needs to stay healthy. And even if someone is a little overweight, who cares? Beauty isn't in the physical appearance but in the attitude (My mom taped that saying on my mirror ). If people judge you on the way you look then darlin', I think it's time to hang around some different people! If being a faster runner is what you want then maybe you could start some personal training. Go for a jog or a walk every night. Do what you love and go swimming, that's a great way to work on your endurance! Talk to your family and tell them how you are feeling.

Don't let this little bump in the road get you down. I'm gonna sound like my grandmother here but nip it in the bud! You can beat it, I know you can!
Learn to love who you are.

Best of luck!

Only you have the power to say,
"This is not how my story will end"

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Re: I Hate Myself - May 27th 2013, 01:03 AM

Don't let it get to you. If you have exercise induced asthma like me that should be easy to treat. If the inhaler you have isn't helping you should try another one, I can't remember what its called but its just a stronger steroid. I know thay was recommended to me if the regular light blue inhaler didn't help. It would help make exercise more comfortable.

More to the point, I am so sorry people are making you feel so bad. A space between the legs isn't all its cracked up to be people come in all shapes and sizes and that's ok. It can be so hard when you hate your size. It was like that for me and that as made more challenging by th fact that I am athletic so I hated knowing I used to be thinner. Before school took over my life. I can totally relate and it sounds like you do stuff thay is healthy (track) and thay negative thoughts are just taking over a little. You can get through it, just try to focus on positive things and write them down of you must and tell them to yourself

Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
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anorexia, bulimia, hate, self harm, self hatred

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