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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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LibbyKriss Offline
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I love my friend. - August 9th 2013, 10:11 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

My friend had not eaten in over five weeks now. Today I’ve decided to start fasting, too.
The entirety of my miserable childhood consisted of being dragged around the country to different doctors, trying to find a cure to my obesity. Nothing helped, nothing changed. I mean, what could a child care for his or her weight, or people asking questions like “Don’t you want to meet a boy when you grow up?” “Don’t you want people to call you pretty?” No. Fuck you. No. I did not care. Yes, I was bullied and horribly but I didn’t know why, or at least why people minded me being chubby. Now I’m fifteen and I’m extremely obese for my age. I weigh between [EDITED] pounds at the moment. I’ve tried many products and diets over the years, both willingly and by doctor’s strong recommendations, but here I am.
Living in my country was bad because I gained around [EDITED] every year! That’s horrible, beyond alarming. That’s what you get for living with a grandma who can’t and doesn’t know how to stop a child. Well, who could reason with a child, anyway…
But Ireland was worse because I wasn’t called fat, not even once, except by my mum. Which made me kind of relax about it and accept it. Accepting is the worst. It’s the same as giving up, and I gave up.
As it always happens, though, children grow up and start caring and obviously I should but I think caring about my condition has done more bad for me than good. It’s made me cry in the middle of the night when the pretty, normal teenagers were sleeping soundly in their beds. It’s made me not go for sports I wish I could’ve played. It’s made me think I am never going to get an exciting job, because fat people only get office jobs, unless standards are even higher by the time I have to work. And I can’t go on adventures like jumping with a parachute or riding a horse (without hurting it). I’m missing out, and I will miss out for the rest of my life.
At least, that’s what I had gotten to accept as my fate. But it seems fate has other plans.
Because I have a friend. I never realized how close we are (or how close I feel to her) until today. I care so much. She hasn’t eaten in five weeks, and has gone from [EDITED] in that amount of time. Her goal is [EDITED] at the least, but I can’t say that she’ll survive that far. After being depressed for almost all of July month, I met her for the first time in four weeks a while ago, and she’d looked good. Of course I told her so. And then I found out she hasn’t eaten in four weeks and goes to gym every single day, not to mention works once or twice a week, too.
At first I was jealous, naturally. Worried, secondly. But jealous mostly. She told me how she hasn’t eaten and how her mum is doing the same and they’re both hiding it from her father, and how she has to resist all the food mum cooks for her oblivious dad.
Now I see her a week later and she can’t walk fast or turn sharply or stand without having an urge to vomit. And yet she continues, to the goal, and maybe beyond. And I sat on the bike, in the gym, with her, talking, but mostly keeping quiet because I know she wouldn’t listen. And then she suddenly says she has to go. I try to continue with gym but I’m on the verge of tears, I’m scared. And I go into the locker room, thinking she’s puking in the bathroom, but she quietly, feebly, says “I’m here”. She’s at the lockers and I sit down opposite her and after a pause, I start gushing out all the phrases in the textbook of “How to make your daughter start eating”. Of course she doesn’t hear. She looks so weak; she stretches her arms saying “I’m okay” a few times. The worst thing she said, though, is that she’s happy, because on one hand it’s the truth and on the other, a lie. She’s happy because the craze to lose weight had seized her long ago, and now she could see and feel bones in her body she hadn’t before. But she cannot be happy, I will never believe it, because she actually knows what she’s doing. She had told me she will starve herself to her goal weight or die trying.
I had taken an apple from the front desk of the gym and I was toying with it nervously. I kept trying, ignoring all the people in the nearby bathroom. She said if someone finds out I’m dead. But I think she meant I’ll be dead to her. Which is the worst ultimatum, because if I try to help her I could lose her. And if I don’t try to help her, I will lose her.
I continued talking. I mentioned her plans about going to Tomorrowland in Belgium concert and becoming a police woman. I said she can’t do these things if she’s anorexic, or dead. And she kept denying the possibility of her being dead. But I’ve watched plenty of shows and read many confessions, and statistics besides, to know that sooner or later, if she doesn’t start eating, her body will reject the food when she does. And she could die. She could die. My friend could die and I practically encouraged her to do this the first time I saw her.
And when I decided to drop gym for that day and walk out with her until we went our separate ways, I also made a decision. If something happens it’s on me. If she goes to hospital, if she dies, it’s my fault. Which means that I won’t eat either, from today on, and I will have the same thing happen to me, until she starts eating, if it’s not too late, or until I die, if she does too. I understand what it’s like to not listen to other people telling you to stop doing something you think is going to make you happy. So I didn’t expect her to listen to me when I was talking about it. But maybe, just maybe, if I mean as much to her as she means to me, she’ll see me do this horrible deed on my body, and will see that she has done it to herself too.
But if not, then not. I’m not going to watch my friend die while I’m eating. If this is the only way there is then I’m doing it. And if it’s no good way, I’m still doing it, because no one else can change her mind. I had half a mind to report her to some counselling but she could do something to herself out of spite and that’d be on me too.
That’s my final decision.

Last edited by Coffee.; August 10th 2013 at 12:56 AM. Reason: Please do not post weight numbers, they are against Code of Conduct. Thanks!
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sydney1999 Offline
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Re: I love my friend. - August 9th 2013, 10:37 PM

I really don't think fasting is the best idea for you at all. It is really dangerous to fast. I used to not eat and i am still working on eating a little more. You can't blame yourself for your friends' decisions either. PM me if you want to talk

Life goes on. People move on. It'll be okay.
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Re: I love my friend. - August 10th 2013, 05:33 AM

It sounds like both you and your friend have serious health issues around diet, exercise and weight (with you being excessively obese and her being underweight). Now I guess your health issues are a whole other can of worms (and I'm sure that at least maybe you know what is going on there so what ever). I know she says she won't forgive you if you tell someone but I really think you have too. Of course, if it is as bad as you say I am shocked no one else has done something yet, but who knows, some peoples parents are busy and/or oblivious and/or not there and some teachers might not care/notice either. I'd tell someone. She'll be mad at first, that's true, she might feel you betrayed her "big" secret, but really, to her being dead might not seem possible, she's probably just to consumed by this ordeal that she's not being realistic about what she's doing to herself. Fasting on your own is not a good approach, she might be to self-absorbed to really care, and I don't mean that in a bad way either, I mean, I do, but not because she's a bad person (as in evil, self-centered, no not that way at all), it's more like she just might be so "locked in" on this preoccupation that she won't be able to focus on saving herself to save you, like she might be justifying it to herself how her actions are ok and thus it might blind her to why it's a problem in others. So don't hurt yourself to make the ends. Just tell someone. She'll forgive you eventually when she gets better.

Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
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