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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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Relapsing - April 19th 2014, 11:50 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I'm relapsing in all areas of my mental health but EDNOS worries me the most. I am afraid to go back into the dark place even though I never really left but there is a part of me that is... Excited to be doing these behaviors again. A part of me that can't wait to become ensnared by food and it's growing stronger everyday.

Today I was out with my mother and went to a pizzeria. She ordered two slices but I was really hungry so I said "that's it?" And I regretted it. She asked me what I meant by that and I quickly said never mind but she already ordered more food for us. And I'm just fucking fat and disgusting slob.

I hate myself so fucking much!!! I really want to die. I don't deserve food. I'm so greedy and lazy. I'm just a horrible person. I am an unstable fat fat fat fat fat fat bitch and I just want to starve to death.

I shouldn't have eaten. None of this would have happened if I wasn't such a humongous lard.

I don't know how I let myself get this heavy. I don't know what to do. Every minute in this body feels like an eternity.
   
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Re: Relapsing - April 20th 2014, 05:12 AM

Hey there, don't beat yourself up, I know it's easier said than done, I too had/have an EDNOS. It's not easy to get past, have you tried talking to someone? A doctor, counselor or possibly therapist? It can really help a lot and I do highly suggest it. I know what you mean by you feel nervous but excited to be relapsing, when you are deep into your eating disorder, you have the control and as you recover you feel as though you lose it. Even though you know it's bad, at the same time, you feel that you were controlling at least that one aspect of your life. But the fact is, that's the food and your ED controlling you. Remember how much it's affected you and people around you. I know it may make you feel bad at times, especially when you are relapsing, but it can also help give you that drive to fight your ED. Try talking to people, don't bottle these things in, anyone can help even a friend, family member or someone here on TH.


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Re: Relapsing - April 21st 2014, 12:58 PM

I have a hard time trusting people. I am seeing a therapist. I have not had much success with therapy. I don't open up easily to people that I have to actually see and talk to. In the end, it either turns into a hostile situation/relationship, or I completely shut down, and give one word answers. either way, I stop going, get someone new, and do the same thing. I am also diagnosed borderline which I guess sums up all of this, and I just think that there is no hope for me. as they say, borderline (and co-occuring disorders) = untreatable. I can't see any benefit in trying to fight these disordered thoughts. I just want to shrink until I disappear. I have nothing better to do.
   
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