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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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sunflower Offline
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(trigger-ED) don't even read this. - May 4th 2014, 04:21 AM

I'm not sure if you'll what I mean when I say: My ED voice is back. The little voice in my head that tells me all the mean stuff about myself and all the things about food. It's my voice, but it's not? idk.

Anyway, it never left completely. I would hear it once in a while, but that's expected with recovery, but now it's taking over again. And I want it to.

It sounds crazy but I rather just let myself be controlled by this secondary thought process and get want I want... I don't know if I'm wording any of this correctly.

And I started binge eating half way through recovery, but no one noticed, no one cared because I wasn't losing weight and I wasn't "slicing myself open." Now I'm even worse and all that time was wasted and I'm the fattest I've ever been.

I'm fat and hideous. I'm just so fucking gross. I really could just die thinking about how disgustingly fat I am. I don't deserve to eat. I'm a greedy, lazy pig. I don't need to eat, I don't want to be dependent on food.

I am obese and it's not in my fucking head. My goddamned therapist even said it. I'm just a gigantic monster. I can feel the fat inside me. I can see it spilling over everywhere. I'm huge and I don't like it.

and I hate everyone because no one gets. They all think I'm stupid for thinking this. They think I'm making it up. They ask, Why don't you just eat healthy and exercise? They say, Everyone needs food to survive.

Not me! I do not need food to survive. I just don't. I'm not like everyone else. I don't need it. I don't need to have it. I shouldn't have it.

When my parents first found out about my eating disorder I was in the depths and I couldn't function at all. I would only leave my room to go to the bathroom, two feet away. My dad go so angry at me once because I wouldn't leave my room and he pulled me out of my bed and I hit the floor. And I was crying hysterically the entire time. And my mom told him to calm down and she tried to convince me to get up and get ready, but I just kept crying on the floor. And my dad said, "Why don't you just stick your fingers down your throat? That's what makes you feel better, right?"

I will never forget that. That's probably one of the meanest, if not the meanest, things anyone has ever said to me. I'll never forget it.

I'd rather die thin, than live fat.
   
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Re: (trigger-ED) don't even read this. - May 4th 2014, 06:02 PM

I'm not going to lie, sugarcoat it, or try to get around it. You have a problem. And the fact you recognize it means you can do this. You may have another ocean to cross, but you can be strong enough to breathe.

When you started this ED, you vowed to yourself and Ana or Mia or both that food would be the one thing you focus on the rest of your life. You couldn't even think about recovery because it was too far down the road, you never even saw it. Ana, you, someone was manipulating you to think the worst. To think lies. She took over your life, and never gave you the choice to eat. Your weight was dropping. Everything had finally seemed under control. But, underneath all the calories and mindsets, you knew she was chocking you.

Then, something, someone, had given you the opportunity to open your eyes and see that light at the end of the tunnel. That light looked so good, so wonderful you took it without realizing what you were getting into. Recovery meant letting that voice in your head go, and you didn't realize that. But when you did, it slapped you in the face.

And that's were you are right now. She's trying to enter your life again. She's breaking the locks on your door and yelling your name. You can recognize that voice, that whisper in your ear and you're trying so hard not to but you're reaching towards it. She's effecting even your parents so you will have no choice but to succom to her. But she doesn't know how strong you are. You don't know how strong you can be.

Even though you may be sinking into her voice, but you know how to swim out. She's a manipulator, a selfish, narcissistic bitch. You, you're nothing like she is. It may seem like she's pulling you back into this small world of starving, purging, and binging. But what she doesn't know is how weak she is against you. Recovery means building up the strength to overcome this voice. What does it mean to let go of your fears, and stand up to her? What do you think she is doing to you? Because I am damn sure she is not helping you one bit.

Listen to me just this once. Just hear me out.
Life is about healing. Getting back on your feet. Recovering from what it's thrown at you. And because someone has found you lying on the ground by yourself, calling for help, means you can stand up. Ana does not care about you. She only wants to see you struggle. To shrivel up and die.

Show her she is wrong. That whatever she said to you were lies from the inside out. That you know she can bring you down, but she will not rule your life. Do it because we believe in you. I do. All of us here at TH. We want to see you finish this race and come out with a smile on your face. It's all we ask of you.

I am sending love to you. Because love gives you strength. Strength gives you courage. And courage means you will get better. I swear.

Please feel free to message me if you need support, a friend, or just to talk. I will get back to you ASAP.

Fight this battle. You are worth it.


~BeautifullyBroken <3
   
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Re: (trigger-ED) don't even read this. - May 4th 2014, 08:02 PM

Thank you. I wish I could believe this. I really do. But I just want to shrivel up and die.
I don't think my thoughts are lies. It me, I don't think if my eating disorder as Ana or Mia. It's just part of me just like my depression or anxiety. These are thoughts. It seems like it's a different voice because of the internal conflict. But it really is me. I want this. I want to think this way. I want turn into a pile of dust and fly away. Me.
   
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Re: (trigger-ED) don't even read this. - May 4th 2014, 08:22 PM

That is not true. Do you really think someone would want something like that? I can see where you're coming from. But deep down inside, I know you want to overcome this. I know you want to stand strong. Please listen to that part and block out the other..

~BeautifullyBroken
   
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