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Now how do i handle this before its out of hand? - May 19th 2014, 04:39 AM

well i think i lost the fight. i found some DM on her twitter, she not fighting ana anymore and hiding it from me. She wouldn't admit it even when i told her. She told me she was just telling that girl that. But its not true. Ana is back. Finally broke her down and she is bad, she wants to die, and doesn't want to fight ana, she want to let her win. I have no idea what to do it, cause now that i see she will lie to me, how can i help. I got lucky this time. But even after i found out, i had to beg for an hour for her to talk and tell me.
I am NOT giving up on her but please someone tell me how to fight this when i am not near her. we are just a internet thing but i love her and need her
   
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Re: Now how do i handle this before its out of hand? - May 21st 2014, 09:04 AM

Hey there,

Warning: I'm going to be very honest in my advice to you. I have a lot of experience with mental illness and relationships, so I'm not going to sugarcoat anything.

First, did you have permission to be logging onto her Twitter account? From addiction, to eating disorders, to even cheating, unless the partner has given you permission to read their private messages, it's inappropriate. My partner has never attempted to hack my TH account in order to read my PMs; he doesn't even read my private blogs, as he understands that I need a space to vent. People in recovery need space. We have trusted people for particular issues. I don't talk about certain things with my partner because it upsets him, and she has the right to choose who she shares her recovery (or lack there of) with.

Next, you cannot save her. PLEASE learn this early on in this relationship. All you can do is support her and be a positive influence in her life and a soft place for her to fall. If she were to die tomorrow of suicide or this awful illness, you would not be to blame, period. You have no control over what she does, all you can do is love her and support her the best you can. Currently, you are seemingly pushing her, nagging her, and being a stressor. She does not need another person stressing her out; she needs somebody she can trust and that is stable in her life. Stalking her, begging her to talk about issues she is not comfortable with, etc, will only further trigger her and isolate her from trusting you.

If you cannot handle the fact that you cannot "save her," I'd recommend breaking up. This seems harsh, and bad for her, but you cannot simply think of her mental health in your relationship, you must also consider yours. My boyfriend has dealt with my mental health issues for six years, and he has adapted and learned to support me while also distancing his own emotional stability from me. He cannot base his worth on my happiness because I am very infrequently happy and healthy, he simply must do the best he can and love me through my recovery process.

The other option I would tell her is that you can only be with her if she is in recovery. That is giving her the final say; if she is not ready to recover, you can both move on, and you can promise that you'll be there when she is ready.

This is simply my opinion from my experience with mental illness. I do not think you're a bad boyfriend, but I do not believe your behavior is encouraging her recovery nor your mental wellness, and I think you need to reconsider this relationship. If you do not want to break up, I'd highly recommend you both seek relationship counseling that specializes in EDs, or consider seeking counseling yourself. Prioritize your own wellbeing; this gives her a positive influence, and reminds her that you are a stable person she can turn to.

Good luck. I hope she finds the light-maybe recommend TeenHelp for her. We'd love to help!


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& the sun said “it hurts to become."
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