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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Purging - April 21st 2015, 11:21 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of eating disorders, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

About three weeks ago I started making myself throw up after eating. The first time I did it I felt guilty, but it was so easy. I've never particularly minded throwing up; it's unpleasant, but it's over in a few moments, and then you generally feel better. At first I only tried to make myself throw up after eating what I felt was too much, but there have been several occasions now where I've made myself throw up for small "infractions-" drinking a hot chocolate, putting a little too much salad dressing on my salad, etc.

But now it's making me depressed. I know that it's bad for you, but I can't seem to stop, even though I promised my boyfriend and my therapist that I would. I feel like I did when I was SHing. I feel like a slave to my body and to the scale. This week I didn't lose any weight and I nearly cried, that's how screwed up this is.

I feel like none of this would have happened if I hadn't started losing weight. I never used to think I was fat- yeah, I knew I was overweight, but it didn't bother me, except for health reasons. I didn't mind my appearance. But ever since I started losing weight I've been so preoccupied with how I look. I called myself "fat and ugly" to my boyfriend. I never used to think like that.

Everyone's commenting on how good I look now and it only reinforces these behaviors. It's like I wasn't "good enough" at the weight I was before and now that I'm slimming down I'm somehow "better." My mom's talking about how she can't wait to take me shopping for new clothes and I just want to crawl in a hole.

So how do I stop purging, and how do I keep from restricting (I know myself; the last time I was in the situation if I wasn't purging I was starving myself)? I don't want to feel upset with myself if I don't eat "perfectly." I want to focus on losing weight to be healthy, not to be thin, but in my head it's hard to separate the two.


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Re: Purging - April 22nd 2015, 01:26 AM

Purging becomes an addiction at least that is how I feel about it. I purge sometimes. I go through stages where I purge numerous times a day to going months without it. But, it becomes an obsession. I know that I get relief from purging so when I am stressed out I'll just do what I can to make myself purge. I went about three months without purging and purged for the first time this week. I'd been feeling really fat and as if I have been overeating so it just took me over the edge when I went and got something to eat.

It's not easy but it's best to try and stop before you get even more dependent upon purging. I know that sometimes when I feel like purging I will blog, go for a walk, put some music on or do whatever else I can to try and distract myself. I know you are probably aware of these but Alternatives to Self Harm can be really beneficial in helping you work on overcoming these urges to purge.

I would also suggest that you talk to your therapist and your boyfriend about this. Let them know that you are still struggling with the urges and could use their support. I am sure that they would be willing to offer you that support and help you work on overcoming this. Having someone to talk to when you feel like purging can be really beneficial.

I hope that this helped in some way and if you need anything feel free to message me.


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Re: Purging - April 28th 2015, 12:02 AM

I've talked to my therapists and my boyfriend but it's not keeping me from purging. My individual therapist was incredibly unhelpful with "you need to pick what you eat and stick with it...either you don't eat it or you eat it and keep it down; you can't go in-between." Honestly I can't believe I pay her as much as I do to hear something like that. My boyfriend and I engage in a power exchange relationship, so he's told me that if I can't stop purging he's going to start telling me what to eat and I'm going to keep it down. I really don't want to have someone else telling me what to eat. My group therapist has told me if I keep purging she's going to refer me to the DBT group for people with eating disorders.

So obviously there's soon going to be consequences in my life if I keep doing this. I keep saying I'll stop but I can't. It's almost a compulsion. Sometimes it just overcomes me in the moment, but other times I plan when I am going to purge. This is getting out of control but I keep telling myself I can handle it on my own.


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Re: Purging - April 28th 2015, 02:07 AM

Have you been in regular dbt? because at least the ed dbt I went to was a lot more stuff to do. You had to fill out food logs and do like 2 other thing that regular DBT does. But I understand how you feel when I am in my purging stage I can't stop. Even if you lock me out of the bathroom for a half hour I will still find a way to do it. If you ever need to talk I'm here.


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Re: Purging - April 28th 2015, 02:23 AM

I am in regular DBT and I find it helpful. It's really cut down on my SH urges (they are almost nonexistent now) but I feel like purging has almost cropped up and taken it's place. The thing is I really don't want to go to DBT for ED. For one, I like my group. For two, my younger sister battled very acute anorexia last year. I'm ashamed of what my family would think if my therapist recommended DBT for ED. I can't imagine how my sister would feel. I'd be afraid my mom would just feel like I'm "copying" her or "doing it for attention," neither of which is true. Every time I've tried to lose a significant amount of weight I've had trouble regulating my weight loss.

But I really don't think I have an eating disorder and I resent that my therapist wants to send me to DBT for ED. I've read up on eating disorders. When my sister was recovering from anorexia she told me it wasn't about losing weight, it was about control, and I just want to lose weight. I also don't overly restrict. I usually end up eating under the daily recommended amount of calories, but not on purpose; I eat when I'm hungry but I pick healthy stuff. I'm not bulimic, either; bulimics binge eat and THEN purge. I don't binge. I'm just purging, period, usually when I eat something I perceive as too sugary or fattening. So I don't have an eating disorder. And I don't want people getting on my case about what I eat, like by doing food logs.


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Re: Purging - April 29th 2015, 01:05 AM

It's fairly common for destructive behaviors to almost trade places. Mine was the other way around. Oh, you're going to stop me purging? Guess I'll self harm instead then. From people I've spoken to this isn't a rare thing

Everyone experiences disordered tendencies differently. The way I thought of it was just a set of maladaptive thoughts and beliefs that I had about my body and the subsequent behaviors were merely an effect. Your sister's eating disorder may have been about control. Mine? Mine was about losing weight and then wanting to be looked after...the opposite of control if you will. There is no "one size fits all" and I don't think it's productive to compare the way you're feeling to your sister. Everyone experiences mental illness differently. Don't label it if you don't want to, just describe it or think of it as a problem set of behaviors that need changed however possible. If DBT is the answer to that...so be it. Your mom would probably rather you got the help you needed, or at least tried it than to see another daughter go through what your sister did.

Some people don't fit into a category. That's fine. Don't try and fit yourself into one if it's going to cause you unnecessary distress. Explain to your therapist that you personally don't think you have an eating disorder and that you've just developed a set of unhealthy behaviors that need challenged.

Good luck, let me know how you get on yeah?


Ps I just used to purge unhealthy stuff too, no binging though. I thought I was a genius and had cracked this weight loss thing. In hindsight...maybe not I also used to just eat chocolate, chips, bad food in small quantities with none of the good stuff. I was a very atypical anorectic.



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Re: Purging - May 7th 2015, 08:18 PM

Hi there,

I don't have a lot to add onto what everyone else has already said but I was moved from an acute ward to a locked DBT rehab ward last January and just discharged myself so did a full intense DBT programme for a year and five months and it Its really benefited me.If you want to talk about DBT, feel free to send me a PM. Ill be more than happy to talk about it with you.

Be careful with the purging. I'm diagnosed with EDNOS and Bulimia so I can relate, but purging can have serious long term side affects to it and thats something you need to think abotu carefully. Talking to your therapist was a good idea and keep talking to them when you're struggling and remember we're here all the time too!

Keep fighting, you can do this,
Jessie.


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