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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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Residential? No. - May 20th 2016, 07:53 PM

Just got off the phone with my level of care screening for the eating disorder clinic... They want me to do residential... No no no. I will literally do everything in my power to avoid that. I really don't think I'm that sick. I can't be? I know I need help but not constant monitoring away from my home... I told them that I have a kidney infection and I'm vomiting because of that, which is true... although this has been going on for four years... I totally lied to try and get into their Partial Hospitalization Program. She said she is willing to let me get physically better, and if I've improved we will discuss the PHP. I hope to God I can make that happen. I can't think straight, I really don't think it's right to ask all these awful questions, quickly and directly for 30 minutes and just let me go to deal with this information on my own. I'm overwhelmed.




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Re: Residential? No. - May 21st 2016, 12:42 AM

First of all I am sorry you are struggling right now. But i think you have the wrong idea of residential treatment. they do not watch you 24 hours. It is like a home with groups and the only time they monitor you is when you eat and after you eat. It's honestly not bad at all and helpful if you really do want to get better. If they think that will help you the best then I think you should do it. I honestly would kill to be referred to a res treatment center for my eating disorder.

If you did lie I would call them back and tell them you lied and tell them the truth. And see what they say.


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Re: Residential? No. - May 21st 2016, 12:13 PM

Hello.

Just a couple of points...
Quote:
Originally Posted by DomoKay View Post
Just got off the phone with my level of care screening for the eating disorder clinic... They want me to do residential... No no no. I will literally do everything in my power to avoid that. I really don't think I'm that sick. I can't be?
Sometimes we can't see how sick we are getting and need to trust the opinions of those around us. I know from experience how difficult that is.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DomoKay View Post
I can't think straight, I really don't think it's right to ask all these awful questions, quickly and directly for 30 minutes and just let me go to deal with this information on my own. I'm overwhelmed.
I agree that it's not right for them to bombard you with questions over the phone. I guess they have worked out that it's the most efficient way of doing things, but it's definitely not easy for you. I can empathise with you in terms of both having to deal with that sort of phonecall, and having to make all your decisions alone.

Regardless of what you said in the heat of the moment on the phone, I would encourage you to think carefully about whether an inpatient programme could help you. My feeling is that it would, but you have to go in there with the right mindset (i.e. not kicking and screaming, so to speak), or you will find it difficult and your success will be limited.

If you try the inpatient programme and make progress, will there be the opportunity for you to go onto the PHP?


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Re: Residential? No. - May 21st 2016, 10:29 PM

How do they just expect me to quit my job (I need to give them 2 weeks notice...) and still be able to pay rent and utilities and all the other shit? I have $1000 in medical bills from the past week alone. I'm freaking out. I have no support. My parents have no clue, and if it's like anything else they won't understand the seriousness of it and won't help me.




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Re: Residential? No. - May 22nd 2016, 01:58 PM

I decided I'm literally killing myself at this point. I don't want to actually die. I already left messages to get the referral for residential, and I'm going to do it. Lots to do before then, calling off work, telling my parents.... Thanks for the support. Can anyone tell me what to expect at residential for an eating disorder??




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Re: Residential? No. - May 22nd 2016, 04:59 PM

Hey there,

While I wouldn't know what to expect at a residential facility, I can tell you this -- there is help and support out there for you, I promise. I'm sure there are people (including us) and organizations who would really like to help you. Keep on the lookout for community resources that might be out there. Do you have 2-1-1 in your region? It's a phone number that offers free social service referrals.

I know you can get through this. It's not hopeless, as much as it may seem. Please hold on and be safe

EDIT: So sorry, I misinterpreted what you had written earlier. So proud of you for getting the help you need.


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Re: Residential? No. - May 22nd 2016, 05:10 PM

I am so glad you have decided to give the Res treatment a go. I am telling you it is scary at first but if you are serious and work at it. It's worth the time away. I wish you all the luck in the world. If you have any questions about Res just ask me I've been to one so I know some things. Also do you know which one you are going to?


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Re: Residential? No. - May 22nd 2016, 05:41 PM

I'm really proud of you for giving treatmemt a chance. I don't know much about residential, but I know that before you leave any inpatient or residential center they make sure you have adequate housing and stuff before you leave. Sometimes there's even step down housing you live in before going back to living on your own where you work on getting a job and going to minimal groups.

Best of luck to you. Use this to your advantage. I know it may not seem like a blessing, but many people are not able to receive that level of treatment. I hope you're able to utilize it to better yourself.

Take good care.


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Re: Residential? No. - May 23rd 2016, 12:54 AM

I think it would be worth you speaking to the person you contacted on the phone and asking them if they can give you more details about what to expect.

Jobs come and go and you will be able to find another one when the time is right. For now, you need to make your health the priority, which is what you have done.

I hope that your parents are supportive and that you can find out some more information about your stay.

No matter what, we will always be here for you. Please keep us updated on your situation.



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Re: Residential? No. - May 23rd 2016, 06:36 PM

UPDATE: After playing phone tag, finally talked to a real person! I talked to a super nice lady at the residential facility I was referred to. She answered all of my questions and was seriously so sweet, and told me to call back if I have any more questions. She is conferring with my therapist to get some insight of what level of care I might need... based on my medical problems, she said I may not even be able to get into their residential facility first... that I may need a higher level of care to get cleared medically... I'm really scared that they think it's this bad. I'm terrified they'll try and tube me since I literally can't keep anything down. I've lost a substantial amount of weight... I'm hoping drastic measures won't have to be taken, but I'm so fucking desperate for help. I'm so ready to get better. Relieved but terrified.




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Re: Residential? No. - May 23rd 2016, 06:50 PM

Honestly, in my experience, having a feeding tube was an "easy" part of recovery. Not that recovery is particularly easy, but some aspects are definitely easier to deal with. What specifically scares you about having a feeding tube? It's not very uncomfortable at all besides when they first put it in and when they take it out when you're done with it. Maybe we can help put some of your fears about it at ease. But like I said, you can face that hurdle when it comes. Worrying about it now won't help.

It's good that you feel ready and remember we're here to encourage you along the way. Keep hanging in there.


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There is nothing pretty about damage, about pain, about heartache.
What is beautiful is their strength, their resilience, their fortitude
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against every odd that is stacked against them.” — Nikita Gill
   
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Re: Residential? No. - May 23rd 2016, 11:04 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Arcanum View Post
Honestly, in my experience, having a feeding tube was an "easy" part of recovery. Not that recovery is particularly easy, but some aspects are definitely easier to deal with. What specifically scares you about having a feeding tube? It's not very uncomfortable at all besides when they first put it in and when they take it out when you're done with it. Maybe we can help put some of your fears about it at ease. But like I said, you can face that hurdle when it comes. Worrying about it now won't help.

It's good that you feel ready and remember we're here to encourage you along the way. Keep hanging in there.
*possible trig grieving*
I watched my grandmother whittle away after a stroke. She couldn't do anything. She was always yanking her feeding tube out. She was aware, just didn't have any way to communicate. She was trapped in her own body. Maybe she knew it would kill her...

My friend also had a feeding tube and said how awful it was and has been threatening me with it for over a year. I'm scared I'll be all alone in treatment. People have told me not to get too close to other people there, that I'm there for myself. But I can't have my service dog (I'm not able to handle her currently), at this point I'll be across the country (not that that's a terrible thing on the family route, although it would be nice if we could heal together). No friends. I rely on my friends a lot. A whole fucking lot. To the point where as clear as I try to be upfront, people will like... Get crushes on me. People always accuse me of being flirty, but I just love all people. My friend slept on my floor for 5 days and I was stupid enough to be naive and he got really offended when I was brought up I was getting flirty vibes and that's not what I wanted. He was pretty manipulative. *end ramble*

UPDATE: Soooo... My options for higher level care (inpatient for medical stability) are a shitty fucking state not super close to here, or Denver, CO (way far out). Is it bad I'm kind of excited? Don't get me wrong, I'm a fucking mess and can't even think straight. I was so confused trying to relay all the information to these people (we're up to 6+ people now...?). But I have a phone screening with their program tomorrow and seeing my therapist (not ED specialty) tomorrow. Hopefully he can help me figure this all out. My dream has always been to live out west. I've never even been close to the West but I just always have known I wanted to live there. I went to college two hours away which was the perfect distance away from home but still in-state tuition. I love where I live now and I want to graduate from my school. That was always the plan, graduate and just pack up and adventure. I've never even been on a plane before (that's a whole other post worth). I'm starting to try and shift my thinking from absolutely petrified and dreading it, to looking forward to it. Like this is my chance to finally heal. My whole life I've always known something was wrong. I always felt ill and they never knew why (minus all my medical problems my mom fucking knew about and didn't tell me and I had to rediscover... Again, whole new post. I can't keep a thought). Anyways... Colorado. Most of my friends who have graduated are already out there. I have no job, no rent in 2 months. I can be free. I can fucking heal. I don't need to kill myself. I'm friends with this girl in recent ED recovery (we have verrrry strict boundaries which is cool) but she's so fucking happy. She just is a ray of sunshine. I want that. I want to run in the park blaring music and just dancing for everyone to see. The freedom of that. Absolute bliss. Every time I see her posts I just uncontrollably sob. I know she has to work every day on it. But I think she loves herself genuinely. I've never known that to be possible. I've always thought it was a facade. But maybe it exists... Maybe I'll give a new life a chance.

My parents have no clue. I barely talk to them. I told them one out of three ER visits I've been on. So that'll be fun... I just know the only way they feel they can help is to make me live with them in the meantime. I won't fucking do it. My mom will continue to fuel this. I will feel trapped and isolated. Probably suicidal again. I'm not ready to give up being so fucking close to healing. So much on my mind. Too tired to type anymore.




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Re: Residential? No. - May 23rd 2016, 11:27 PM

aIn regards to the comment you made about your job, I believe that you can get stuff set up so that they work with you so that you can keep your job. I am not sure how it works and you might want to talk to the facility you are going to or the HR department but I know that there is FMLA and you can have three months off of work. Then, I think there is also a way you can file disability and still get some money every month.

I know a number of the girls in my treatment center were able to keep their jobs while still going to inpatient. I am not sure how they went about that but it might be something worth checking into.

And, as stated by someone, most programs will want you to have a place to live and all that before they will release you. A lot of places have something like a partial hospitalization house where the people live and then can be transferred to the treatment center and then as they step down in treatment they can either stay there or go stay with family.

Basically, I don't think they'll make you get treatment and then when you are done throw you out on the street. There are options.


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Re: Residential? No. - May 24th 2016, 05:46 AM

Everyone might experience having a feeding tube differently and it's definitely more painful if you repeatedly pull it out, but I think your friend might be saying that in their own not-too-great way to try and help. I didn't have any painful or terribly uncomfortable experiences with a feeding tube and a lot of the people I was in treatment with didn't either, but everyone still has different experiences.

As for getting close to people, treatment centers generally discourage maintaining friendships outside of treatment as they can sometimes become toxic and a 'who is sicker' weird competition. Personally I'm friends with the majority of friends I made while in treatment. Mainly through Facebook and we only occasionally meet up in person, but I'm regularly in contact with them. I would worry about creating friendships. You're expected to get close and create friendships, but you also work on yourself. Part of recovery is realizing you're not alone in your struggles and sharing your thoughts and emotions with others.

For me self love and acceptance has its good days and bad days, as with most aspects of life. It takes time to relearn to love yourself and treat yourself right, but it does happen.

I would focus on finding a place for your dog and stuff that you can't take with you. Your healing is most important.


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There is nothing pretty about damage, about pain, about heartache.
What is beautiful is their strength, their resilience, their fortitude
as they display an ocean of courage when they pick through the
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against every odd that is stacked against them.” — Nikita Gill
   
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Re: Residential? No. - May 24th 2016, 06:00 AM

After reading reviews, no way. I'm going to be fucking miserable. I'd rather die.




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Re: Residential? No. - May 24th 2016, 07:36 AM

Reviews from patients? I wouldn't go by those, honestly. A lot of people are miserable because they fight the program and are then angry when they leave because they're not any better.

Recovery isn't easy by no means. It's a daily fight, but you're already fighting yourself daily so why not put your efforts towards the good fight? In my own experience the beginning of recovery is the hardest and most trying mentally, but it gets better. You can't take what others say about a treatment center because everyone's experience different. Yes the treatment center helps get you on the road to recovery, but you put in more than 90% of the effort. Not the center. They can put a feeding tube in you, but they can't make you utilize therapy techniques or make you do anything besides that tube. That tube is a miniscule part of recovery compared to the rest of it. The center can do a lot if you work with their program. If you're definitely against this center, then maybe have them suggest a different one for you. They're all going to have bad reviews from the patients that worked against it.

In all honesty, you may very well be miserable. Inpatient is much, much different from residental. When you're inpatient there are people at many different levels of recovery including not wanting to recover. When you get to residential it will be much more pleasant because everyone's nearly at the same level of wanting to get better, it's much more positive, and laid back. Inpatient treatment and maybe being miserable us just one hurdle to get over, but you will be supported the whole way.

Having an eating disorder isn't a choice, but recovery is.


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There is nothing pretty about damage, about pain, about heartache.
What is beautiful is their strength, their resilience, their fortitude
as they display an ocean of courage when they pick through the
wreckage of their life to build something beautiful brand new,
against every odd that is stacked against them.” — Nikita Gill
   
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Re: Residential? No. - May 24th 2016, 10:33 AM

Hi Kay.

It is pointless to compare yourself and your situation to that of anyone else. Your grandma, your friend, the people whose reviews you've read. You are not them and will therefore not have exactly the same experience as they did.

I cannot be certain why your grandma kept pulling her tube out, but it might have had something to do with wanting to fight against her declining health and independence. She would have known that the tube was going to be there until she died. This is not the case with you. If you have one, it will be for a finite period of time until you can manage without. It symbolises getting better, not getting sicker. This is what I mean when I say it is not a good idea to compare yourself to others, or base your opinions of a tube on other peoples' experiences.

You say you have had the "threat" of a feeding tube for over a year. That is a long time to be living with the threat of something, and plenty of time to have built up a real and significant fear of tubes (particularly when combined with the memories of your grandma). I think it was unhelpful of your friend to have told you how awful a feeding tube was for her, knowing you might end up needing one. Again, that was her experience.

If you had never heard of orogastric/nasogastric tubes and one day got taken into hospital and the nurse said, "We're going to put this tube in to help stabilise your eating", chances are you'd just accept that that was what needed to be done. But because you've had so much time to get worked up about it, the idea now seems horrendous. It isn't. It's a standard medical procedure that is carried out millions of times every day on a wide range of people. Sure, the insertion isn't a pleasant sensation, but once it's in you will be fine.

The bottom line is that it will help you to get better and that is, ultimately, what you want for yourself and we want for you.

Yes, there are of course going to be negative reviews of inpatient care. But what those people don't tell you is that they probably went in there with the wrong mindset. Perhaps they were taken in against their own will by a relative and spent their whole stay battling against the treatment and arguing with the staff. No one is going to be positive and/or heal in that situation. This is not the case with you. You do seem as though you want to and are ready to get better. I would therefore encourage you not to let the bad experiences of others get in the way of that.

Lastly, I would like to say that being miserable is not guaranteed, even as an inpatient. It all comes down to your state of mind. I would advise you to remember why you are there and focus on the positives. Ultimately, it is a stepping stone in your recovery and not a prison sentence. You can choose how you respond.


Be kind to yourself.

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Re: Residential? No. - May 24th 2016, 11:31 PM

*trigger for symptoms of ED and possible diagnosis??*
Went to my therapist today for an emergency appointment. I just absolutely sobbed the whole time, but it was productive. He agrees the situation is urgent, physically and mentally. He does not specialize in eating disorders and admits that he is not exactly qualified to make judgments for that, so I need to trust the professionals at the ED centers. He refers out people for EDs so they access the level of care. He says he has not got the impression that it is an ED, as him and my psychiatrist have been treating me for crippling panic disorder, anxiety, phobias, PTSD, depression, etc. So that doesn't mean that I don't have an ED, but it is quite possible that I've been unintentionally hiding ED behaviors. I decided it may be smart to actually check the official website before going rogue on the interweb review (heh )... I found out they treat for Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID), which I didn't know even existed, but I can totally relate to these especially:
  • Difficulty digesting certain foods
  • Avoiding certain colors or textures of food
  • Eating only very small portions
  • Having no appetite
  • Being afraid to eat after a frightening episode of choking or vomiting
This whole time I've been kicking and screaming because I thought I didn't have anorexia, and therefore didn't have an ED, but I'm realizing there is a broader spectrum. Trying to remind myself that labels don't matter right now, I just need help. And I'm hoping, praying that I can get somewhere to be medically stable. Now I'm more scared that I won't be sick enough, and they'll send me straight to residential where I'll fail miserably due to my health problems. I know I don't have the energy to do 8+ hours of scheduled time a day. I've been bed-ridden for the past week and a half, and doing absolutely nothing besides going to work and going straight to bed for who knows how long. I black out just getting out of bed to go to the bathroom from POTS (I'm assuming, which I've noticed worsens with dehydration and lack of nutrients, which is definitely the case here). I've obviously been beyond stressed out for a long time since January, and my health problems and weight loss show it.

I did the screening today for Denver. I was a fucking wreck. I almost hung up when they told me I'd have to eat meat and/or dairy (I'm lactose intolerant)... How can they do that? I'm especially not eating dairy, that is inhumane. They said I would take Lactaid? Why would I take an extra medicine (or whatever it is), instead of avoiding it? I've never had the need to take this. I'm terrified they are going to trick me into entering and I'll be forced to follow their rules. Meat seriously makes me so ill, on an emotional and physical level. I am vegan and I am really not willing to change that. How can they override my own ethical reasons? If I have to say it's my religion, I fucking will. Would that even work...?




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Re: Residential? No. - May 25th 2016, 12:21 AM

Hey there,

Lactaid is kind of like a milk substitute I believe. Basically it has no lactose so it would not effect your lactose intolerant. I also know there is soy milk but ED centers might be weird about that. Here is a link about lactaid: https://www.lactaid.com/home

I do know that a lot of ED centers are very weird about people being vegan or vegetarian because they can't be certain if it is their ED causing it because a lot of people with eating disorders are into healthy living. I do know of one girl in the inpatient center I went to who was able to fight for herself and get on a vegetarian diet. So, it is possible that you will be able to as well.

And, eating disorder clinics do help treat all kinds of things. Some have been used to tread BED, EDNOS and so much more. Labels are really only important for insurance purposes.

I hope that this helped and if you need anything feel free to message me.


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Re: Residential? No. - May 25th 2016, 03:21 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saudade View Post


As for getting close to people, treatment centers generally discourage maintaining friendships outside of treatment as they can sometimes become toxic and a 'who is sicker' weird competition. Personally I'm friends with the majority of friends I made while in treatment. Mainly through Facebook and we only occasionally meet up in person, but I'm regularly in contact with them. I would worry about creating friendships. You're expected to get close and create friendships, but you also work on yourself. Part of recovery is realizing you're not alone in your struggles and sharing your thoughts and emotions with others.

Most treatment centers I know of and that my friends have gone too encourage making friends with people that struggle the same as you. And you do make life long friends at treatment centers. A BHS from my treatment center told me that I've met a lot of great people and I should stay in contact witht and be close friends with them and not push them away.


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Re: Residential? No. - May 25th 2016, 04:49 AM

While I've heard of residential treatment centers catering to plant-based folks, they usually do not. Did you express the concern to them? If it's for ethical reasons, they should have a dietician on staff and be able to give you a meal plan that goes to your needs. However, maybe they know something you don't about your current needs within care. I know in the grips of my issues, a vegan diet was not healthy for me to stick to as it allowed me too many "outs" from eating. Maybe for this period of your life, it might be best for you, and you can always go back later. I'd definitely hear them out and try to come to a common ground.


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Re: Residential? No. - May 26th 2016, 02:36 AM

First of all, thank you to everyone who has been with me through this crazy roller coaster. I would have given up by now if it wasn't for all you lovelies. Realizing that my friends are not being very supportive, with threats of an eating tube that is not even on the table at the moment according to professionals. Those are the people I need to be listening to.

CHECK THIS SHIT OUT!!! http://www.mirasol.net/why-choose-mi...philosophy.php
Integrative, vegetarian friendly, holistic, nuerofeedback, reiki, acupuncture, adventure therapy, grocery and community outings, incredible trauma counseling with EMDR, Somatic... I called and they said I would need to transition from a more-equipped program due to the medical problems I have, but she said there is a woman in the exact same program I have been trying to get into in Denver, and she is planning on going straight to Marisol once stable. Finally feeling amazingly hopeful. I was losing hope that I would ever find something that fits in the ED treatment realm, but this looks like its one of the best and only holistic treatment center in the country.




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Re: Residential? No. - May 26th 2016, 02:45 AM

I'm really happy for you and I'm glad you found a place you think you will like. I hope they accept your insurance and everything since that's one road black I've encountered. Good luck and remember we'll be here along the way.


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Re: Residential? No. - May 26th 2016, 10:10 PM

So ACUTE Eating Disorders, a medical facility for stabilization before residential, thinks I definitely fit their criteria, but I am awaiting insurance authorization. It's terrifying that my life is on the line for fucking insurance purposes, holidays, and wait-lists. Apparently this ACUTE place is the only and best place in the country for cases like mine. I never took ACUTE seriously because I knew they would never accept me, which could still be the case insurance-wise and bullshit criteria. But I'm realizing I seriously have no clue the severity of this... This all started because I thought I could get outpatient and nutritional services through my local treatment center... Now I'm looking at hospital inpatient...

They straight up told me to continue making plans for the regular residential program in Denver (ERC) because if I am not accepted initially, once I am there at ERC they will quickly realize I do indeed need ACUTE and they will transfer me to ACUTE down the street, and will have professionals there to evaluate and make a clearer, stronger case that I do indeed need it. Since I've never had an ED diagnosis before, it makes it really tricky.

My brain is absolutely fried. I've been going to the doctor every day to fill out a release form for the same exact place, not remembering I've already done it for the past 3 days. My friends keep pointing out all the things I'm not remembering. I'm literally just narrating what I'm doing constantly so I can continue to ask them what I have and haven't done. I keep focusing on stupid things before getting the stuff I need to get done. My counselor is basically stepping as a case manager, helping me get everything done. I probably call him 3 times a day and he always responds. He's totally been on top of it, and I'm so grateful.




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Re: Residential? No. - May 27th 2016, 02:45 PM

Told my doctor I have been unintentionally vomiting everything I consume, including water and my medications. She told me to discontinue all but one. My tests are abnormal but not concerning. She told me to go to my psychiatrist and see her in 4 weeks. Is this all a misunderstanding? I've been to the ER 3 times, countless doctors, counselor's, psychiatrists, been denied from every residential program but one. Got accepted into a residential program yet ACUTE inpatient says I meet their criteria, and am awaiting insurance authorization. What the fuck is going on? I cannot survive off of no water. Eating is not even a goal right now, just trying to get water. I don't know what to do fucking do. No one is listening to me. I'm obviously fine if they're sending me home. They are medical professionals... Right?




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Re: Residential? No. - May 31st 2016, 09:57 PM

I told my parents and they won't let me go... They finally received my medical records and want to move forward, I am just awaiting insurance authorization and now my parents approval apparently.




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