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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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he thinks im fat and ugly and diesnt deserve to eat - September 10th 2016, 11:25 PM

Every time I try eating 3 meals I get accused of being indulgent. Yesterday I was accused of eating 5 dinners.the constant comments and put downs is really hard to deal with. Especially the ones surrounding food and the like. I've been starving on and off since age 12 or maybe even earlier. I've binged or mini binged too. But there are times when there's no food at home because my father wouldnt buy any and it is confusing as to why (a complicated situation between neglect and us being poor but there were times he refused to buy food as a punishment and there was emotional neglect involved too, tbh) . When I was a kid I felt helpless because i needed adults to provide but as an adult I should know to buy myself food but I don't feel like I deserve it. I don't practice good self care and I'm having a hard time crawling out of this hole when my family are still actively shaming me for eating.
Or if I bring up certain issues like how they often finish the food without saving any, or they hide food and they all know about where it is except me. Or they put fresh fruit in the freezer and they don't mind eating it frozen but they don't leave any in the fridge and it doesn't take much energy to put their portion in the freezer and leave mine in the fridge as these are fruits that are bought not frozen like bananas and apples and grapes. I feel like they leave me out of the equation on purpose because they think I don't deserve to eat. They tell me I complain too much. But sometimes my dad would buy like 20 plums and we are 5 people but I still wouldn't get any at all. It happens often.

I could go on but i wont. Im just not sure what to do. my family and people at school used to pick on me not so much on my weight but how much I eat and the way my body looks. My father would not take me shopping like he did my sisters. He would take my sisters and then for me he would tell me I have "big bones" so he would make me wear HIS clothes and whatever clothes my sisters didn't want anymore. He would sometimes buy me clothes but it would always be his choice of pick and it would be at least 2 sizes bigger. I would get bullied for this and that doesn't happen anymore. But I hadn't gone clothes shopping in maybe 7 years so I'm still wearing clothes from high school and I feel ugly and gross.
   
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Re: he thinks im fat and ugly and diesnt deserve to eat - September 10th 2016, 11:43 PM

Hey there,

I'm really sorry that your father (and family) has made you gone through this. The good thing is that you're no longer entirely under their control, unless you allow yourself to be. You recognise the ways in which they made you feel worthless, but still find them affecting you even now. But you are worth something and you are an amazing person. Anyone who says that you shouldn't be allowed to eat or that you should be shamed for it is absolutely, entirely wrong.

I know this will seem hard, but I think the main thing you could do is actively try and go against the habits they have ingrained within you. You're an adult now and have your own paycheck. Buy your own food. Buy the foods you enjoy to eat and keep them where you want to and for your own consumption. Save up money so that you can buy new clothes that actually fit you and give you confidence. Keeping your old clothes will always remind you of how they treated you when you were in high school, and the results that gave you in terms of your social life. I guess what I'm trying to say is: get rid of any shadow of the old you, the you that was under their oppressive control. You're a free adult now, and you should be allowed to get on with your life away from them and their harmful words.

You are amazing and I know you can get through this!

I hope this helped and feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk!

Kyra
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Re: he thinks im fat and ugly and diesnt deserve to eat - September 11th 2016, 03:45 PM

Thank you so much Kyra. This reply resonates with me. The thing is though, I still live with them and I'm currently not working and therefore don't have my own paycheck. I am however trying to find a job and/or internship. And I'm trying to move out. But there's so many times I feel like throwing my hands up and giving up and just sleeping the whole day in hopes I get sucked into the walls and disappear. And I know when I feel too low to eat or deciding to skip a meal, but later on creep into the kitchen, a lot of the times I regret it because some kind of argument happens around me eating and I interpret that as I didn't deserve to eat all along and that I'm getting punished for trying to eat anyway.

I know things potentially can get better if and when I move out but I'm not sure it will.
   
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~Radio Flyer~ Offline
Please call that story back.

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Re: he thinks im fat and ugly and diesnt deserve to eat - September 22nd 2016, 09:46 PM

Today I didn't eat dinner last night or breakfast this morning and during lunch I got upset and didnt finish what I was eating. I went to calm down in my room and it was about an 1-2 hours later I went back to the kitchen and my father was there and told me I cant. Today he didn't throw insults at me like he has done before but he was just like "no you're not hungry" I'm skipping meals all the time and he still thinks I eat too much.
   
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