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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
_Headphones_ Offline
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I want perfection - October 13th 2016, 10:45 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of eating disorders, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I have really strong urges today and I am probably going to act on them. I'm not quite sure. I just feel like my world is crashing down. I wish i was in school but I had to drop school because of my mental health. I will start again in January. The problem is I weighed myself because my grandma told me to and I have gained weight. May I remind you I am obese and have bulimia and anorexic tendencies. I plan on starting to restrict calories tomorrow and I am going to.I honestly don't think recovery is for me anymore. I will recover when I get to my goal weight which hopefully will be in about a year and a half. I just can't be the fat one anymore. I honestly don't know why I am typing this maybe it's because on some level I do want recovery but IDK. I watched yesterdays Dr.Phil today on twin anorexics and bulimic and they looked exactly like I want to look. They did not look to thin to me they looked perfect but they were underweight but I didn't see that. I saw perfection. But while I was watching it I was eating a bag of chips and a soda not diet, my plan was to purge it but the thing is I didn't drink enough so I knew I wouldn't be able to. Tonight we are having cheeseburgers and I love them but Idk. I plan on going to target with my grandma and I have twenty-five dollars I plan on buying binge food and waiting till they go to sleep and then binge and purge on the stuff.

I am so sick and tired of myself. I look awful in clothes. I can't even walk up the stairs without being out of breathe. I feel like shit all the time. I just want to be thin. I want to be the skinny one. The person that people look at and say I want to be as thin as her. I want to be pure and empty. I want to feel that high I always got when I purged and starved myself. I want perfection.

I don't know if anyone is gonna have anything to say.


Don't lose who you are, in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay
Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I want perfection - October 15th 2016, 01:33 AM

Can anyone help or maybe just listen


Don't lose who you are, in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay
Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are
|Member 2007||Senior Community Mentor||Social Media Guru||Resource & Newsletter Editor||Writer||Chat Mod|
|Forum Mod: LGBT, Sexuality and gender identity, Eating Disorders, Self-Harm, Peer Pressure and Bullying, Disability|
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Re: I want perfection - October 16th 2016, 04:02 AM

These are difficult thoughts to deal with. I think that finding someone you can talk to about your urge to relapse would be a good idea. Do you have a therapist you could confide in?

It's important to know that you can lose weight the healthy way. I am not an expert in how to go about doing that but it is so much safer and better for you than starving and purging. I have messed up my metabolism and body by doing those things and since I've stopped purging all the time and I have stopped starving I have just binged. This has caused me to gain more weight and from doing some research this happens to a number of people. If you did it the healthy way you'd probably be more likely to keep the weight off and you wouldn't make yourself ill by doing it the healthy way. Is there anyway you can get in with a dietitian or talk to a therapist who specializes in ED's?

What are some things you do to distract yourself from the ED voice? I read and I am sure there is something out there that would help you as well. Maybe you could try and experiment with different distractions and see what helps. Something I used to love doing is fuse beads. They take a lot of concentration and so it's hard to think the ED thoughts while doing them. They are really cheap on amazon and you can buy it and all the accessories for $30 or $40 but you don't necessarily need all the accessories to start out.

If you ever want to chat feel free to message me.


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Re: I want perfection - October 16th 2016, 04:46 AM

I love fuse beads. I do have an ED specialist therapist. I just haven't seen her in awhile. I just got out of a crisis house after a week of the psych hospitals. I want a trauma specialist though. I know I can loose weight the healthy way but it doesn't help knowing that. I feel so dead and low but I do not want to go back to the hospital. I just fucked up and have ugly and fat on my legs plus 10 cuts on my shoulder. I'm spiraling out of control and I don't know how to make it stop.


Don't lose who you are, in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay
Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are
|Member 2007||Senior Community Mentor||Social Media Guru||Resource & Newsletter Editor||Writer||Chat Mod|
|Forum Mod: LGBT, Sexuality and gender identity, Eating Disorders, Self-Harm, Peer Pressure and Bullying, Disability|
|PM/VM|


   
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Re: I want perfection - October 16th 2016, 07:25 PM

I am so sorry your going through this.

If you have a ED specialist therapist, maybe you can book an appointment and let them know it's urgent and see them until you find a trauma specialist?

Have you learned any healthy ways to achieve and maintain a healthy weight while in therapy or in the hospital? If you have, maybe you can do a,e of those things (eg trying to eat 3 balanced meals). Even if you slip up or give into the ED, at least you'll have a healthy net to catch you. Maybe having healthy goals written down will give you something to work on. I know that arts helped me when I've had trouble because if I have a bad day or bad week I can just remind myself over and over that it's ok, tomorrow is another day and I'll do better.

I hope you'll be ok soon. I know how hard it is to work through these sorts of things. I've got every confidence that you can do it though




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Re: I want perfection - October 17th 2016, 12:05 AM

I think getting a trauma specialist could be beneficial. Do you think your current therapist could make a referral to one? If trauma is what you need to focus on then that's what you should do. It is possible that your trauma is some of the reason you struggle so much with an ED, desire to be perfect etc. I know when I was in treatment they emphasized that there were underlying reasons we all had ED's.

Do you think that getting some fuse beads and using those as distractions for your ED thoughts would be helpful?

Something else you could consider doing is making a blog about all the negative thoughts your ED is telling you. I know in the past I did that and it helped because the thoughts stopped repeating themselves after I did that and it gave me a little bit of a break from those thoughts.


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