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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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Zemie Offline
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trying to be normal but really scared - December 17th 2016, 01:20 AM

for so many years now I've been so weird with food but i never really addressed it but now it's started to really bother me. In middle school i used to weight [Edited] and I'm only like 5'4 so that was pretty chubby. a few months ago i was down around [Edited] which i felt really good about, but i'm really bad at eating. like i feel so guilty over eating things, for a long time like i would just spit out like half or most of what i ate into napkins and throw it out and idk if my family even ever noticed. i never got really skinny/underweight though so i never felt like i had an eating disorder.
i still did this really badly until like a year or so ago, when i felt better about myself so i tried to improve, but i still did it a lot.
lately i started tracking calories and it helped with my anxiety about food, because like if i know how many calories are in what I'm eating and what i should have a day, it like makes me feel like i'm 'allowed' to have it? if that makes sense. like rather than just not knowing and then struggling with guilt and throwing out half my food. i still struggle to eat more than like [Edited] calories a day, because more than that i feel fat and horrible
i'm a vegan too, so it's not even like i'm eating unhealthy food. like the only really unhealthy thing i eat is ramen, which i only eat like maybe once/twice a week. sometimes i have oreos too but i work them into my calories for the day and it's fine. i eat a lot of vegetables or rice and beans or tofu
in addition to that, sometimes when i'm out with my friends i will allow myself to not worry about what i eat. like sometimes we go to taco bell and i actually eat my burrito, or like half of it at least. like i feel like that I'm skinny now I should be allowed to do these things without worrying? like i feel like i can be 'normal'

but anyway, i just got back from college and i weighed myself, and i weigh like [Edited] now. like i feel like all my work to get over my anxiety about food is all just trashed. i feel so guilty and gross



anyway, i don't know, i think i just need some reassurance that me trying to be normal didn't ruin everything. i feel so guilty like i ate so much food or something
i want to start working out consistently because i want to be like slim and fit and beautiful even though now i look like 'skinny' but i still feel so fat and disgusting and ugly. i'm really self conscious about exercising in front of others but starting next semester i'll try and start using my building's gym so i can do like cardio or something. but i feel like it's really hard to become fit, like you have to know all these exercises and like for it to be even productive and have results i feel like i would have to do so much, i get disillusioned by the fact i wont see results. i dont know. i think i'm just making excuses

Last edited by .:Bibliophile:.; December 17th 2016 at 02:04 AM. Reason: Please don't post weight or calorie numbers. :)
   
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Re: trying to be normal but really scared - December 17th 2016, 05:22 PM

Hi there,

It sounds like you're struggling a bit with this, and that's okay. I've never suffered from an eating disorder, personally. But I know people who have.

Are you seeing a counselor about this? I think that would be a really good first step for you. I think seeing a professional and telling them all that is going, could really help with your insecurities and you two could work together for you to have a more normal and healthy life.

If you ever just need someone to talk to about it, you can always feel free to PM me. I might not know a whole lot, but I'm willing to listen and help in the best way that I can. Stay strong. <3
   
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