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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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_Headphones_ Offline
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TW:ED,SH"What's a little bit of hunger? I can go little bit longer" - March 7th 2017, 04:26 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

As most people know I am diagnosed with an eating disorder, even though I think the one they diagnosed me with is wrong, anyways on to why I am posting.

I feel so disgusting. I look so gross, I have even started wearing make up to try and not look so fat, but it doesn't work if anything it draws attention to my face and makes me look even fatter.

I have been restricting since school started so like 7 or 8 weeks. Yes I have lost a lot of weight, but I just don't see it at all. My pants are baggy and I need to wear a belt with them, I have probably gone down a pants size but all I see is FAT FAT FAT.

I cannot bring myself to eat any more then I do because all I hear is the voice of AnaMia telling me I am a nasty fat ass. It just sucks so damn much.

Honestly I really don't know if I want help right now. I know it is consuming my life, but it makes me have control and I like the way feeling hungry makes me feel. It feels like I am pure. I know I am empty.

Someone mention that after star and dbt I should go to ED IOP but if my eating disorder is out of control I should go to that one first. I honestly don't think I can bring myself to tell my therapist that I want help for my eating disorder because I don't think i do.

I just can't stand the way I look and feel. I see the numbers on the scale and if they go up a little bit I get so pissed at myself that I want to SH. I thought about cutting the word failure in german on myself this morning but thought I wouldn't have enough time to get it to stop bleeding so I didn't. But if I keep feeling this way when i get home I am probably going to be doing that.

I honestly don't know why I wrote this post. I think it was to get peoples perspective and support. Also to see I am not alone in feeling this way


Don't lose who you are, in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay
Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are
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Re: TW:ED,SH"What's a little bit of hunger? I can go little bit longer" - March 13th 2017, 07:55 PM

Essa,

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling right now; I can relate to a lot of what you've written, as can many of us here. It hurts and can be really hard, but please know that you're never alone in this struggle!

I think it would probably be a good idea to bring this up to your therapist so (s)he has an idea of what's going on. I know that's a hard conversation to have (it took me weeks to say anything about my eating problems in counseling) but it's one that has to happen eventually. My own experience wasn't too horrible, she told me that if it's something I want to work at recovery on, then we'd do it. If I wasn't interested in recovery, she'd just check in on it. That was that. I psyched myself out and made it into something so much worse than it actually was.

I believe you, all of us here believe in you, and we're all rooting for you. Please let me know if there is anything that I can do for you!

- Erin


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you're not too far
lay down your hurt, lay down your heart
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Re: TW:ED,SH"What's a little bit of hunger? I can go little bit longer" - March 15th 2017, 04:13 AM

My therapist already knows.


Don't lose who you are, in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay
Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are
|Member 2007||Senior Community Mentor||Social Media Guru||Resource & Newsletter Editor||Writer||Chat Mod|
|Forum Mod: LGBT, Sexuality and gender identity, Eating Disorders, Self-Harm, Peer Pressure and Bullying, Disability|
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Re: TW:ED,SH"What's a little bit of hunger? I can go little bit longer" - March 15th 2017, 08:29 AM

The only piece of insight I have, which I don't know if it's helpful, is, our brain has a map of our body in it, and it's that map of our body that is our reality, not our body itself.

Phantom Limb: People who lose a limb often report they still feel their limb is there, even though it's not. (This can be particularly distressing if they have pain in their phantom limb, since there's no corresponding physical body part to treat.)

The reverse also happens: People who've had a stroke which has damaged part of their body map in their brain. For example, a person's map of their arm in their brain may have been damaged by a stroke, so their body map no longer contains their arm. The patient will then not recognize their own arm as theirs, and may even ask the nurse to "take away the lunch tray and take away this limb which isn't mine."

The point of this as it relates to one's perception of their own body, I suspect people with anorexia (which I don't know if that's what you have), who feel very fat even though they are thin as a rail and perhaps even dangerously underweight, they may have a "fat" map of their body in their brain. Somehow that map of their body is "fat". The way to fix it is to focus on changing the map of the body in the brain. By using the brain's plasticity, it should be possible to rewire the brain so the map of the body isn't so "fat".

Unfortunately I don't know how to go about doing this. I suspect that some sort of meditation, or focusing one's mind, possibly on something completely unrelated, might work.

Such as, say the problem isn't really the map of the body in the brain, the problem is when that thought enters your mind that you are "fat", it's coupled with a thought that "fat" is bad, which leads to... etc. it all goes downhill from there.

So, one idea is, whenever that thought enters your mind, force yourself to think of something else. Convince your brain that something else is more important than thinking about how "fat" you are and going down that path. This idea uses the opposite of "thinking a thought strengthens and reinforces that thought", which is if you don't think about something, that thought becomes unused and eventually the brain decides it needs that brain real estate for something else and begins putting it to use for some other purpose. Then you truly have rewired your brain.

This is all somewhat theoretical, though I've read books and anecdotal stories of people who have successfully done things like this. What to expect is the first two weeks no changes will occur, but the brain is getting itself ready for change. Then after two weeks, the brain slowly starts rewiring itself, and maybe those "fat" thoughts get a little less. A couple months of this and major change can be effected (supposedly).

The downside is this takes a lot of determination to convince your brain that it's imperative it commandeer that useless "I'm fat" thought and replace it with something else, such as "I do a lot of visualizing objects in my mind, so I need to expand that visualizing things in my mind part of my brain, so take over that "I'm fat" part of the brain and use that real estate for this I need to visualize things in my brain.

I should stop here and just say take a look at the books by Dr. Norman Doidge, especially his 2015 book The Brain's Way of Healing, which is were I got all these ideas from. (Especially chapter 1 on chronic pain.)

Anyway, maybe that gives a new way of thinking about the problem.

(Yea I read a lot of books!)

Best wishes. Hope you feel better! Thank you for the post it was very interesting!
   
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