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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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Wishes Offline
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Tried to... - October 2nd 2017, 01:13 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of eating disorders, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So yesterday I tried to make myself sick. It didn't work and I guess I'm glad.
But yesterday I ate more than I usually allow myself (because my mum gave me like a whole box of Ritz crackers to eat) and when I ate them I wanted to eat more and binge. I looked around and there wasn't much, as my mum is going shopping today. But still it was such a struggle to keep myself from binging. This happened on Saturday too.

I didn't binge and I'm glad for that. But the fact that I'm not allowing myself to eat that much is making me feel bad. I want to eat like I used to, but at the same time I want to look better. And my restricting is making me want to binge.

I'm worried that I will always want to binge and it will cause problems for me. Idk. I just want to be happy and end this once and for all, no more relapses or anything.

Also, today I saw the guy I like and he was eating at break time with his friends and he actually looked over at me.
He is some of the reason I am doing this. But to see him looking so happy and actually eating unlike me makes me feel bad. He is happy and I am here partly because of him.

Idk what to do.
Any advice is appreciated


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Re: Tried to... - October 4th 2017, 09:17 AM

I'm glad you were able to keep yourself from binging and didn't make yourself sick. Really glad.
Like you said, your restriction is making you want to bing. Your body is trying to get what it needs. I know it's hard but is there a chance you can eat a little bit more? Like maybe just a cracker or two more? It's not much but it might make things at least slightly better.
I know you probably know yourself, but restricting is not going to make you more beautiful. You already are good the way you are

You said the guy is some of the reason... do you know what the other reasons are? Maybe you can figure them out and work on them.

Hope you are going to be ok


It's ok to give in to an urge or make a mistake. You are only human and we all have our flaws. We all have our weak moments and we all make mistakes. Thats what makes us human.
Thats what makes us unique and beautiful

Courage isn't always a loud roar. Sometimes it is a quiet whisper at the end of a day saying: Tomorrow I will try it again!

   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Tried to... - October 4th 2017, 12:23 PM

Thank you for your reply Oliver! It was helpful, thank you.
It is difficult for me to eat more than I allow myself to. I don't know, it just makes me feel bad. I guess I should try eating a little, like you said.
The other reasons are: my mum calling me names and getting angry with me etc. for no actual reason. also people at school have called me ugly and stuff, and even though that doesn't happen much anymore it still haunts me and makes me want to change. And in general, I just feel awful about myself.


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Re: Tried to... - October 4th 2017, 11:17 PM

Hello,

I am so sorry that you are having a hard time with this. You said that you tried to make yourself sick and then you were not able to do this, that is really good. Because once you start doing this it is really hard to stop this and it's too much to keep to yourself. You said that you are having a hard time eating, what you can do is set up little snacks for you and put them in baggies and then so many hours what's in the baggies you eat it. You can have anything in them for example apple slices or it can be carrot sticks or it could be a half of a sandwich or crackers and cheese anything that you like to eat and make sure that you eat that. The most you start doing this the easier it gets. I hope you will be ok soon. Hugs.
   
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Re: Tried to... - October 5th 2017, 11:21 AM

Thank you Emma. You're reply was really helpful! I will try to follow your advice and hope things will get better.
Thank you


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Re: Tried to... - October 5th 2017, 12:31 PM

Hey there.

First of all, you should be proud of yourself! Saying no to urges to binge is very good, but it's also important to say no to the urges to restrict. Binging does do harm your body, but restricting causes damage in it's own way and neither are good in the long run.

I've struggled with an eating disorder for most of my life and if I've learned anything from my years in treatment, it's that the cycle of binging and restricting will continue until you stop acting on all symptoms. When you binge, then you might feel the need to "punish" yourself and go back to restricting, then you binge and then restrict again and it continues on and on and on. Breaking the cycle can be very hard and very emotional, but it's essential to kick this stuff in the butt and say no to it. Continuing the cycle will never really makes you happy anyway. You might feel proud for restricting and have fleeting feelings of happiness, but that is taken away once you binge again. I want to say to just kick the thoughts of how much you are "allowed" to eat into a black hole, but I know it's not that easy. Try to take tiny steps, though.

Like Emma said, having some go to snacks to start off with may help, but it's still important to aim for three meals a day (or however many is normal for your family). It may be easier to start with a main dish and then slowly work your way up to having enough foods on the side. I usually aim for two to three, but everyone is different in what their body needs. I say what their body needs because your mind can think an entirely different thing on that front. I know it can be very scary allow yourself to eat more food and foods that many see as "bad" or "unhealthy", such as desserts or any foods that may be considered "forbidden". I've personally found that not allowing myself to have these foods ends with binging in the long run as well, which that restriction continues the cycle. All food is good food and moderation is key when trying to get on higher ground. Any food is bad and unhealthy in excess (even "healthy" foods), which is why moderation is essential for everyone. Eating disorder or no eating disorder.

I want to shout this from the rooftops. A boy is n e v e r worth harming yourself to get him to notice you. No one is worth doing that. It's just not worth it. I know it may seem like it is, but think about how you'd feel if someone harmed and made theirself miserable just to be noticed by you. You might not know at first that the person did that, but I find that many things are eventually revealed in any friendship or relationship.

I will always say that any reason to live is a good reason. I'm not going to expect you to swim and keep your head above water when I'm the one who took away your life preserver. If you still have suicidal thoughts then try to look for other reasons, too. They can be small and it doesn't matter how small. It's still a reason. Sometimes I use my cats as a reason or my favorite holiday. If I'm not here, then who's going to cuddle them and love them like I do? If I'm not here, then I won't get to see all of the Christmas decorations or be able to listen to the music when it's actually the appropriate time of year to do so. Sometimes my reason is just to be able to ask my therapist for a sticker after our session. Everyone's reasons are different and living for someone else when you can't live for yourself is 100% okay, but harming yourself to be noticed by them is never okay.

I'm a huge advocate of seeking professional help. It can be difficult to do things all on your own and I'm not saying it isn't possible, but the support from someone who understands how to help can make a huge difference. I know very well that this is not possible for everyone, but I will always put it out there and offer to help find resources. Speaking to a school counselor may also be helpful if your school has them.

One more thing I'd like to mention before I end this post. I don't want you to expect to not have any relapses. It's a very high expectation that likely will not be met. It's okay to relapse or sometimes have trouble with acting on symptoms. Mental illnesses are pretty rude like that. Relapses are normal, so please don't beat yourself up if you do struggle with symptoms when you start feeling better in the future. Recovery is a rocky road and I've never really considered myself recovered. I feel like recovery is a lifelong journey where sometimes I will be doing great, but other times aren't quite the best. And it's okay for it to be that way because life, recovery, and everything else is not linear.

Okay, I'm done and I apologize for the length of this and that it's a bit all over the place, but I hope it helped a little bit.
I wish you all the best and you are welcome to send a message my way anytime. I'm not always the best with advice, but I will always listen.


“There is nothing beautiful about the wreckage of a human being.
There is nothing pretty about damage, about pain, about heartache.
What is beautiful is their strength, their resilience, their fortitude
as they display an ocean of courage when they pick through the
wreckage of their life to build something beautiful brand new,
against every odd that is stacked against them.” — Nikita Gill

Last edited by arepo; October 5th 2017 at 12:46 PM.
   
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Re: Tried to... - October 5th 2017, 01:00 PM

Wow thank you for that reply,
it helped me a lot and everything you said is right. I should try to break the cycle, but it is so hard. If I even think about eating more than I allow myself to I remember the names I have been called and the guy I like and it makes me feel awful and I just want to look better.
I guess I know deep down that if I am not happy now then I will maybe never be, even if I loose lots of weight I think I'll still hate how I look. I just want to look better and idk this makes me feel like I am.
But thank you for your advice, it helped a lot x


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Re: Tried to... - October 5th 2017, 02:18 PM

It is hard. I'd say it's one of the hardest things I have ever tried to do. Fighting depression, for me, wasn't even close to how hard it was to fight my eating disorder. I'm still fighting it, every day. It can honestly be hell on earth, but it's absolutely not impossible to be able to live your life with it sort of on the back burner and not as huge of a bother.

Even at my lowest weight, I was very, very (infinite trail of very...) far from happy. I was honestly even unhappier than when my symptoms became worse and more frequent. I was constantly miserable and I still hated the way I looked. I don't think I would have ever been happy with how I looked in the direction that I was going. I never cared much about the damage I was doing until it was done and I had to live with the consequences. Although, I can understand if you feel similar right now with not caring.

It is 100% possible to be happy, but I've learned the only way I can truly do that is by accepting myself for who I am. Body, mind, and everything else that makes me, well, me. Some days I accept and love myself more than others, but like with all things it's a work in progress.

I understand how it is when you remember the names you were called and everything else others did that has contributed to you feeling this way. It's hard and I hope one day you can see that their words and actions, in the long run, hold little meaning. I'm in college now (sort of) and the names that I was called up until I graduated high school no longer matter much. That is probably very hard to believe right now when you're young and still possibly being called names, but one day those things will not hold as much weight.

Something I've found helpful while eating is having others eating with me and having a conversation or playing a game because it's a good distraction. I've also used fidget toys to help with the anxiety that can come along with eating. Another thing that has helped is having note card that with affirmations and reminders of why I wanted to beat this. I used to read it before, a couple times during, and after I had eaten. It kind of rewires your brain in a way. I have a lot of ideas that could possibly be helpful and many of them I've used myself, but I don't want to list them all because I'd end up with another essay. Though I think the note card could possibly be very helpful, especially when your mind is filled with those thoughts and emotions.

All I can say is try to do the best you can every day with taking small steps. Our best will vary from day to day depending on stress and all, but you can do this. You may falter and there will be bad days, but trying your best that day is all you can do.


Recovering is hard and it's often hell, but it's so worth it when you can live your life again.



(....oh, I ended up with another essay anyways)


“There is nothing beautiful about the wreckage of a human being.
There is nothing pretty about damage, about pain, about heartache.
What is beautiful is their strength, their resilience, their fortitude
as they display an ocean of courage when they pick through the
wreckage of their life to build something beautiful brand new,
against every odd that is stacked against them.” — Nikita Gill
   
  (#9 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Tried to... - October 5th 2017, 02:24 PM

haha that's ok,
thank you for that, again you have helped me. I will listen to what you have said and I hope things will get better soon


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