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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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It's back - May 15th 2010, 03:14 AM

I don't know if this would be considered triggering. I could see how it could be but I am not easily triggered so I just marked it in case. If not of course, unlabel it.


It is back with a vengence, ED that is. My ever present, wonderful fucking frined ED. I haven't eaten much in a week. Seriously. I am so fucking stupid. Do I want to do this? NOPE. I want to stop but all I can think of is how fat I am and how no guy would ever want me at this weight. Who wants a cow?

I don't deserve to eat anyway. I have enough fat on my body to make up for it. I have eaten to much in my life that now I can go without.

Besides, ED is the only constant in my life. Fucking, super duper ED. My bestest and worstest friend in the whole world. I know what I am doing is bad. I don't need anyone to tell me that. I know ED can kill me but I am at a point where nothing can hurt me more than the people in my life have/are.

At least ED is completely stable and will always be there. It is irrational, maybe. But I feel that way. I don't want to be doing this but I don't know how to stop right now. I am thinking about eating this rice concoction that I made and all I can think is 'you had a starbucks frappe today and a few bites of that shitty rice stuff, you don't need it.'

I am mad at myself for having a frappe. I should have just had regular coffee but I was so hot. I needed something to cool down with.

Ugh, I don't want to be back here but I don't see any point in eating. I want to get better I do. But I hurt so much all the time because there is no one there for me. My parents hurt me all the time and I am tired of it. At least if it is ED that is hurting me I feel safe.

I am hungry but I am not. I have a headache but I don't want to eat.

I am back into ED I can feel it. I am not purging this time as much though. I do it a little but now I am into the whole Anorexia. I always fluctuate. Going to Restricting/binging/purging. To just plain restriction. I have mostly been living on Starbucks. The last real meal I had was Wednesday and that wasn't even really a meal. I had meatloaf and broccoli and some pear and strawberry cobbler. And, I am fucking ashamed to say I ate that. I shouldn't have. I am such a PIG. How gross. Who eats that much?

I am ginormous and I ate that? Ugh I hate me so much! I love me and I know I deserve good people in my life but I also don't think I am good enough to have good people in my life. So I hate myself.

Any good guy or friend will/would turn away once they realize my stupid ass is struggling with all this again. I don't know what to do anymore. I need people who care and I don't have it. I NEED a support network and I don't have it.

I am so alone. Part of it is my fault because it is hard to open up but part of it is because I see that in my life I have never had unconditional love and I have never had people care with no strings attached and I don't know why that would ever change.

I am FUCKING worthless. I don't DESERVE to eat or be nourished. GOD I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE. I want to recover but I need support and it is hard to ask for help or let it in and then it is lacking in other areas. I don't know anymore.

It feels so good to be hungry right now.


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Last edited by Casey.; May 15th 2010 at 05:10 AM.
   
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Re: It's back - May 15th 2010, 04:12 AM

Hello.

You're not "stupid" for having this problem. It's a real issue. I also believe that even though there are shallow guys who only care about looks, true beauty comes from the inside. I've seen quite a few of your posts, and you seem like a well-mannered, nice person. You are beautiful no matter what your weight is, and besides that, people with eating disorders perceive themselves as "fat" and "ugly" and so forth, but they're really not. If they don't get help, they're much more likely to continue their habits, which can destroy your life. You'll never think you're thin enough to stop what you're doing because of your body image, but I guarantee you, you're not as "fat" as you think you are. Like I said, beauty comes from the inside first. I also know that there are a lot of people who care about you, and I'm sure your parents love you, even though they hurt you. I'm not sure the specifics, but all I know is that they probably don't understand you. Have you tried talking to them for their support if you haven't done so already? I think it would be a good idea, even if you don't want it. Also, do you have a therapist? I think you need support and understanding the most right now. I know you mentioned that people would leave you if they found out you were struggling with this again, but there are A LOT of people who simply love you on here. I'm sure of that. There are always people who care, including myself.

I am glad that you ate something on Wednesday, even if you think you were being a "pig". What you ate was actually a balanced meal. I know you don't want to hear that, so I guess I won't go too much into that... But I think instead of restricting, binging, and purging, you should diet in a more healthy manner. Only if your doctor says it's okay though, because some people might get the wrong idea. I'm sure you've hear this more than you can count, but a lot of people with eating disorders end up gaining more weight before they start to lose it. Another point (sorry for jumping around a lot) I would like to make is that you're not worthless or whatever else you think that's negative about yourself. You deserve to eat, you deserve to be happy, and you deserve to have a good life without all these problems.

Take care.


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Re: It's back - May 15th 2010, 05:18 AM

Jenna,

You are not a pig. You do not even begin to eat enough to function, and you know this. Starbucks is not bad for you, but it should not be the only thing you are eating or drinking. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Just the way you are. I will say it a thousand times if I have to. Jenna, please pm me if you need to talk, or even if you just want to chat. I'm here for you love. <3


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Re: It's back - May 16th 2010, 10:29 AM

I hate when people tell me that by not eating I mess up my metabolism which will then cause me to gain weight. I know people are only trying to help but in my minds eye all I see is that food=bad even more so. If I do eat I am going to gain weight because I am messing up my metabolism. I then don't want to eat more.

I mean, if that is true then if I start to eat again I will just gain weight and I can't have that happen.

I just want to be beautiful and thin is beautiful. I am not thin therefore I am not beautiful.

I know what I am doing is bad and I don't want to do it. I DON'T. I want to live. I want to have a good life. I know this will take away from it. I am not stupid. I know that things work out in the end but I don't see it anymore.

I keep thinking that there are going to be people that will care but I keep going back to the fact that my own parents cannot be there for me in my times of need so why would anyone else? Seriously, I am worthless, my dad can help people when he hasn't known them for that long but he can't do a little something for me when I am struggling. My mom is the same way.

If a person's own parents cannot or will not care for them in times of need. Times when I am struggling and weak and 'dependent' and 'needy' (Like a fucking idiot) why would any stranger want to love or care for me?

I keep thinking that if I ever get a boy interested in me he is going to realize all the struggles I am having and all the worthless ness that is me and realize that I am not worth loving. My own parents are that way.

I don't deserve to eat.

I ate today. 1 tall starbucks carmel frapp, 2 pieces of pizza, 3 breadsticks. I am disgustingly fat. How horrible is that? Who eats that much shit? How could I eat so damn much?

I am tired of no one caring and I am tired of being alone and knowing that the only thing I can depend on when I am struggling is my ED.

There is no food in the house which makes not eating so much easier to do. The reason there is no food in the house? My dad hasn't really been home. He has been with his partner and I get that his partner is going through a lot but the whole essence of my recovery is eating.

When my dads partners brother got sick I ate out. I went to one of my fave restaurants. I did it so it wouldn't inconvenience my dad. So he wouldn't have to go buy food. I didn't think it would be 2-3wks that I would have to go without food at home or I would have gone out and bought 60 worth of food with my own money. I figured he would buy food in a couple days. Now I have no money to go out and buy food.

I have thought of going out and buying food but I can't afford it. I have money to get me through the month with gas and that is it.

I also figure if my dad doesn't deem it necessary for me to have food in the house why should I eat? Obviously me eating isn't important to him.

I feel so gross for eating all I ate today. I would have purged but I was at my brothers.

I just wish there was someone that cared enough to let me lean on them in times of sadness. I try not to be clingy or dependent but sometimes everyone needs a little of that.

I have no one in life who cares to offer me that and I doubt anyone ever would want to.

I hate me. I wish I were better. I wish people deemed it necessary or okay to love me. No one is ever going to love me...

EDIT: I went to starbucks with a friend today and she said 'I noticed when I was walking up that you had lost some weight since last I saw you."

My heart skipped a beat. We last saw each other a week ago. I know going the way I am that my weight loss is going to be evident. I am a bigger girl so for a while the weight will drop off. People will notice and it scares me because I don't want anyone to know that I am struggling with this. I cannot deal with that. I want to lose weight, yes, but I don't want anyone to know how I am losing it.

I consume very little calories a-day. I know I can't shut my calorie intake off completely but I cut it down immensely and I just I know by doing that I am going to lose weight faster but I don't want people to know. I know people will start to notice my rapid weight loss if I continue on this road. I don't want people to judge me. I just IDK. I DON'T KNOW. I didn't get a high of my friend telling me I looked good. I just got really worried. I can't do this.

I want to be thin but I don't want to die. I don't but eating is so hard. So, so, so hard. I don't want to die. I don't I don't I don't. But I cannot seem to stop. I just the image of eating scares me shitless.


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Last edited by .:Bibliophile:.; May 16th 2010 at 10:48 AM.
   
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