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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
BexV Offline
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Post A Long Road... - June 17th 2010, 10:44 AM

Okay, so I know this is my first post on here but I recently thought that it might be a good idea for me to find a forum like this and tell my story.

I went through puberty at the age of 9 so I developed my shape before most other girls my age. Because of this I knew I was different. Whilst all my friends were still very narrow, straight up and down, I had curves. I had broad shoulders from my swimming which I had done all my life and had developed very broad hips. This bothered me. Why was I so different?
After going into high school I was bullied for my shape, at 11 a lot of my friends still hadn't gone through puberty and so I was still the oddball.
To make things worse for me, I also have a skin issue. I have several large patches of excess pigmentation on my right leg and in my eye! This made me more of a target for bullying because I was, let's face it, a freak. I would give anything to blend into the background and in a desperate bid to narrow down my body shape I developed an eating disorder. I know that there was nothing I could do about my body shape, I can't narrow my hips or shoulders down but I still felt like I was achieving something. I was taking control of some part of my life and I loved it. I slimmed myself down at the same time roughly, that the other girls were developing so the result was empahsised.
I started to recover after the bullying stopped, around the age of 14. I was feeling good about myself for the first time in years and slowly I began feel normal.
When I was 15 I was attacked. A group of lads started shouting things behind me, and I just walked away. They were making fun of my skin, calling my a cow or a dirty hybrid. My self confidence dropped and my eating disorder came back stronger than ever. I don't know why I turned to it but it made me feel better. Although it was wrong, it helped.
When I was 16 I developed ezcema on my arms and legs, making me even less willing to show my skin. I stayed inside, humilliated by skin and body. I had patches of ezcema on my legs and arms and I had seen others with it on their chest and faces so I was terrified. I began to self harm.
When I was 17 I began to drink. It felt like it was helping because I wouldn't think about my skin or body. I would drink until I threw up about 4 times a week, this took over for my eating disorder. I was too hungover most of the time to eat. I met a boy who I fell madly in love with, but he made me worse. He was a verbally and eventually physically abusive person who, in order to deal with his own low self esteem, took out all his frustration on me. On one night out we had a massive fight and he punched me in the face, I banged my head on the wall and fell down, he walked off and left me and I was mugged. I had been stabbed in the leg and my phone and money stolen.
A year later we were still together but the relationship was horrendus. On one night he locked me in the house, he was punching the doors and wall around my head, I curled up in the corner of the room crying begging him to stop, saying pitiful things such as, "I'm going to tell my parents about this, it needs to stop", his response was to laugh and tell me that my parents clearly didn't love me or else I wouldn't be as ruined as I was. The truth was my mam did know, she was so worried about me all the time, I had never told her, I was too ashamed but I knew that she knew. After he had tired himself out that night I grabbed a knife from the kitchen and cut my arm, but clearly the emotional state I was in meant that it was a lot deeper than I had intended. I was rushed to hospital where I made up some daft excuse.
Not long after that we broke up.
Since leaving that relationship behind me I began to re-evaluate my life. I had been pathetic. I should have been a strong person, I had a loving family, we lived comfortably, I had great friends who did love me and I was intelligent. At university I began to pull myself together and worked on my issues and at the end of my first year I was in a new relationship. After a few months I decided to tell my story to my new boyfriend.
Although today I still have my excess pigmentation on my body and I am covered in horrible scars I have never felt so comfortable in my life. I have put all my weight back on so I am a healthy weight, my drinking is under control, as in, I drink as much as the next student, but I don't do it to escape. I can enjoy my life now. Although I am sad that my teen years were swallowed up by so much depression and self loathing, I am glad that I am who I am now. For the first time in years I don't mind walking around with a skirt on, people still ask about my leg "did your fake tan go wrong?" I just laugh it off and explain.
I have 2 tattoo's, one to show my love for music and one of a pheonix. A pheonix is born from the ashes and I feel like I was. I have learned to live with who I am, my body shape, although still not perfect is mine. My odd colouring is mine. All my imperfections that once drove me to eating disorders and self harming I have accepted and learned to love.
It was a long long road to recovery and I had to go through so much before I could realise that I am who I am and worring about it only destroys who you are inside. I still panic about my weight but my boyfriend is there for me to talk through things with.

I know this is long and people probably wont read it, but if you do and you can relate to any of it, please, don't be afraid to talk to someone about it. I decided that I wanted to be here for people, although my story is a long and painful one, I'd rather let what I went through help other people.

Also, a side note, Sorry about the spelling, I am dislexic
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Open my eyes
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Re: A Long Road... - June 17th 2010, 12:01 PM

wow, you've been very strong, you're someone to admire. I wish someday I were as brave as you are. You was actually wise by leaving that destructive relationship well done

Fear Cuts Deeper Than Knives

"And if you told me 'go to the hell', I'd tell you I know pretty well that place"
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Em... Offline
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Re: A Long Road... - June 17th 2010, 03:50 PM

Hey Love,

I must say that I did read it all, and I really admire you and your strength to go through everything that you did. Your story is inspirational to me and many others who have read this I'm sure.

I'm glad you were able to get out of the relationship, because it's hard to walk away like that, especially in such abusive relationships.

I hope all is well. don't hesitate to PM me if you ever want to talk. Take care of yourself. and stay safe.
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Jen Offline
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Re: A Long Road... - June 17th 2010, 03:51 PM

Thanks for sharing your story! I'm sure a lot of people here will find it inspirational. Good for you for getting through everything--you are incredibly strong and courageous!


"Do not ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

“if nothing changed, there’d be no butterflies”

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Casey. Offline
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Re: A Long Road... - June 18th 2010, 03:23 AM

Thank you for sharing your story with us, it's very hard to tell a story like that. You are so strong, and you were never pathetic. You were just hurting, which is okay. I am glad you are doing better now though. Take care.

She whispered to her own reflection "I will be strong."

"I am not what has happened to me.I am what I have chosen to become."- Carl Jung

"If ye harm none, do as ye wish."

Sometimes things just happen.

Smile through the tears.

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Elliee Offline
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Re: A Long Road... - June 19th 2010, 09:30 AM

Just thought I'd let you know that your story is inspirational and others have said your strong. It can be very hard to pull yourself from this situation and takes a lot of courage. So kudos to you for doing that. I really hope things continue to go well for you.

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