dying to be beautiful?

[rebeccamonroe]

i don't understand how you can go from promising yourself you won't ever do something, and then five years later have it feel like the only option left. when i was ten i decided i wouldn't ever want to kill myself. wouldn't ever cause harm to myself. wouldn't ever try so hard to be perfect. here i am at 15 and i've broken every other promise i've made to myself, so whats one more?

i don't think this is classified as an eating disorder, but that might just be me in denial.

for about a year, i've thought that i was overweight. i've had everybody including my doctor tell me that i am not. but as the story goes, of course i don't believe them. i don't agree. there was a point last year where i barely ate enough to keep a small rodent alive for about a week, plus i was trying super hard in gym class. the want to be smaller never went away, but i stopped trying to exercise so much.

well the other day i was watching Intervention, which is one of my favourite shows. but this one episode was about a man who was bulimic. and watching it, i started thinking about how it might be easier than not eating at all. and now every time i eat, all i can think about is throwing it up. i haven't actually. i've come close, lots of times.

i don't know. it's gotten to the point where my dad and my boyfriend have both said "I worry about you eating right."
i just don't want to feel so disgusting and overweight anymore, but i'm not motivated enough to actually stick to an 'eat healthy' plan or exercise. i never remember to. it honestly just seems like the only thing that i can do to not eat. but i can't even do that.

what am i even asking, i don't know
i need opinions?
thank you so much

[Ali]

when i was younger it used to really confuse me how people that were obviously skinny could think that they were over weight... i never understood why they saw themselves that way... and i told myself I'd never end up like that.... i was wrong :l

i hate eating... when i eat i think maybe it would b better if i threw up... I've tried... but couldn't do it... it scares me that I've even tried...

idk... i'm not really good at saying anything useful....
but um i suppose if u wanna talk i no what ur going through...

[eunoia]

Rebecca,

Many, many people have unrealistic or unhealthy ideas of how they look. A lot of the time, they're wrong. If people are telling you that you are wrong, especially doctors, and are expressing worry for you, you might want to take a step back and evaluate your thoughts and behaviors. Maybe you need a little help to do that, and that's alright--talk to your dad or ask to see a counselor. It's never too early to help yourself, Rebecca.

I think a lot of people make promises to themselves that they later go on to break. I know I've done it, and sometimes it's okay and sometimes I regret it. What I've learned, though, is that life is about changing, and I can always make positive change in my life. So can you. If you are unhappy with who you have become, now is the best time to begin making a conscious effort towards rebuilding your life in a way that will make you proud. You deserve that.

I can't tell you if you have an eating disorder or if you do not, but a doctor can. It may be worth seeing someone.

Let me know if you need to talk. I'm always around. Take care.

[Zombie_Humper]

I feel a very similar way. Both my doctor and friends have told me my weight is fine, but same as you, I don't believe them.