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Don't know? - September 27th 2010, 06:34 PM

This is hard to write and I don't really know what I plan to gain by writing this but I suppose half the point of posting is getting all my pent up emotions out. Here goes:

My ED is out of control. I know this. I go from restricting to restricting and purging to purging everything I eat to bingeing and then to bingeing and purging.

I just got off of a week long restriction period (it might have been closer to 4 days (started monday and it ended friday) I don't know it all kind of blurs together. Well, the restriction turned into a binge (although, I don't know if I binged as much as I ate a little more normally yesterday and Saturday).

I do think about treatment but here are some reasons that I can't/don't want to go:

1) I don't have the money. Next January my dad is changing insurances so it will be a little more do able then. So, I could consider it after January.

2) I don't want to completely withdraw from college. I have two classes that I am doing fantastic in and can keep doing so. I have one class I am considering dropping with medical reasons but we shall see.

3) Another financial issue is I can't afford the meal plan they would put me on.

4) I don't feel like it is right. I think I can get past this I just need to figure out some things. I feel like entering treatment would be bad because I would be running. I know that doesn't make sense because I would be getting help but I would be running away from the world, my problems etc and that is what I do. I don't want to run anymore.

I don't really know. I NEVER notice my weight loss instead I have people tell me "Have you lost more weight? You are looking good." And then instead of feeling better I feel worse because I realize how ED has completely distorted my preception of myself. Seriously whenever I look in the mirror all I see is fat. I still feel like that same really really heavily overweight girl I was January of 2009. But, I am not. I am fitting into sizes I have never fit into before. I should feel good about myself but I don't.

All I can think is that I will only be good enough when I reach my goal weight. Only, I don't even know what that is, it is a certain size but I don't know if it would be proper for my body size.

I am ALWAYS comparing myself to other people. Do I look as big as her? God she has fantastic legs! Oh I wish my stomach were that flat. Worst of all, and god how I hate myself for this, I see bigger people and torment myself with it. 'That is what you are going to look like if you don't follow EDs rules.'

I don't want to get bigger. I just binged on donuts and it disgusted me. I planned the whole time to purge, which I did, but I don't feel like I got enough out.

If I could I would be exercising excessively but that is impossible. I can't get a gym pass, I don't have exercise equipment at home and I can't walk in my neighborhood past 5pm because I live in a bad part of town. It is not the worst but it is on the cusp of it. I have the exercise bike that might be coming my way and I can't wait to get it. I need exercise to keep losing.

And, there goes ED being obnoxious. It is probably a good thing that I can't over exercise, it is just another form of purging. I don't want to be like this forever. I don't want my Mental Illness to ruin my friendships but I can't escape ed.

It doesn't help that I can't afford to eat healthy.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to give up on myself. I don't want to throw in the towel and run to a treatment center just yet. I want to make it through this semester and then reevaluate.

I don't know how to appraoch medically withdrawing from my English class with my doctor. I am worried he will say he won't sign a letter of consent for that. I also don't even know if I need to do that? I like the class but it seems so stressful. I have an essay due soon and I don't even know how to begin it. I am trying one step at a time but it is hard.

My dad doesn't understand and gets mad when he sees signs of my purging. WELL I AM TRYING MY BEST BUT RIGHT NOW I AM FALLING.

If I had money I would probably consider treatment a little more too. I don't. I can't even afford therapy. I just, I feel scared but at the same time I have hope that things are going to get better. I just need to find that support, you know? Not in the, I am relying on other people to fix me, but when I have support from people who can understand me a bit more it will only help. And, understanding ED is complicated but I believe there are people out there who will be willing to try for me. Everyone right now thinks I just want to be thin, which is part of it but more so I just want that feeling in the pit of my stomach to go away and restricting/purging/bingeing does that.

I don't know, I see people check me out all the time. I know if I stayed this weight I would still be attractive to some but it is like ED says 'YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH'.

I want to beat ed but I feel so alone right now that if I let him go I think I would be heartbroken. GAH, I sound so lame....

Sorry for the long post and I don't know if there is any response possible but I guess it helped to get out.

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Last edited by Casey.; September 29th 2010 at 05:47 AM. Reason: Changing prefix to fit with guidelines.
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Re: Don't know? - September 29th 2010, 05:50 AM

Jenna Jenna Jenna.

I could say this a thousand times to you, and I'll keep saying it until it sinks in, but girl you are beautiful just as you are. You don't need ED, you can get by without him. You are stronger than he is. And you know this. Treatment doesn't have to be inpatient, or even at an ED-Centre. I went to, and still occasionally visit, my college's counseling centre. Almost all schools have them, I think it's either a law for state schools, or strongly recommended for all schools. Try your counseling centre, just having someone to vent to can help. And girl, I'm here if you need anything. You can get through this. <3

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