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-   -   (rant!!!)Relapse, Recovery, Relapse, Recovery, ETC., ETC. (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f15-eating-disorders/t56724-rant-relapse-recovery-relapse-recovery-etc-etc/)

skydivers-in-reverse October 8th 2010 05:55 AM

(rant!!!)Relapse, Recovery, Relapse, Recovery, ETC., ETC.
Questionaire :

1. How long have you had your eating disorder and what is it?
2. Have you tried recovery? Success/Fail?
3. Do you ever feel completely normal?

I've tried so hard to maintain a semi-normal diet this summer. I've tried to forgive myself and even indulge with friends once in a while..but I just don't think I'm ready. Again. Anorexia made me physically miserable- I hurt everywhere, I was cold constantly, I'd randomly feel ill and start dryheaving because of the nausuea caused by stomach acid sitting there for days - I passed out at work in a dangerous enviroment(backstage at a show) and caused more work for the people around me because I couldn't finish the show.

But..I miss it? No. I don't miss it. I hated it. But..it's like I'm putting on a facade, it's not me. It's less painful to starve than to endure the guilt and self-loathing that comes with eating.

I've played the recovery game before and have lost twice before. The first time it was self-imposed recovery, I almost felt normal and a month and a half in, I stepped on the scale. The second time I was sent to in-patient treatment and it was absolute torture seeing my weight creep up and not being able to do anything about it until I was out.

I don't want to go back to it. Going back means withdrawing and being reclusive - because EVERY social situation involves food. I don't want to shut myself away again but normalcy is actually driving me more insane :dem::dem::dem::dem:.

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