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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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Puked for the first time - February 5th 2011, 04:16 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of eating disorders, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

i felt like i ate way too much today so i made the decision to puke it back up. :/ it was an hour and a half after i ate and i know theres soooo much more in me that i can puke out but i stopped because my throat hurt. i really liked how it made me feel tho. i felt better for eating. its weird but i almost felt skinnier afterwards (as weird as that sounds) my throat kinda burns not but its getting better. im shaking and trying to hold back the urge to go finish what i have left.....i really liked how it made me feel
   
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Re: Puked for the first time - February 5th 2011, 04:40 AM

I'm going to be as careful as I can in saying whatever I'm going to say...

I used to purge often enough after huge binges... After awhile I couldn't really stop and I kind of got... I'd hate to say "addicted", but I sort of was. Your throat hurt because of your stomach's acid being forced back up, and depending on what you ate, the food might have hurt coming back up as well. I have a few points:

A) You're hurting your body so much by doing this to yourself.
B) Most of the time, you're NOT going to lose weight (in fact, you'll probably stay the same or probably gain a bit first).
C) It's such a struggle. Please don't even go down this path any further...

Let me explain... A. Obviously, your throat burns and what-not. That is stomach acid coming back up with your food. You know, once you just CHEW your food, your food is already partially digested. Now, obviously, you KNOW this is not a healthy way to lose weight; in fact, I'm willing to bet you don't even need to lose weight. Maybe you are overweight, and that's OKAY. You're YOU and YOU are beautiful just the way you are. This brings me into point B. A lot of people have body image problems, which means you see yourself differently than you really are. I could suggest a few things... Go to your doctor, for starters. If you are at an unhealthy weight, your doctor should tell you. I actually encourage you to ask your doctor if your weight is healthy, because of all people, he/she would know best. If your doctor thinks you should lose weight, then ask if they could help you manage that. Throwing up food will most likely not help you lose the weight you want. I don't want to scare you, but I'm going to be honest... Purging leads to horrible things... Like obvious malnutrition... Much more than that. Well. Your body will think it's starving and it'll take more in of what you DO eat (because you have to eat eventually) and your body will store more of nutrients and what-not. Thus, you will probably gain first. Anyways, the moral of the story is that this is in no way a path you want to go down. Whatever is causing you to feel like you need to do this, please find a way to escape that feeling. I strongly encourage you to talk to somebody (obvious, I know). It takes so much courage to ask for help, but if you do it, I know in the long run you'll thank yourself for it. You deserve to be healthy and happy. I know if you can find the right person to help you, that will REALLY benefit you. I want you to consider getting help. In the meantime, try not to purge anymore. Maybe call a helpline or something (or a friend or alike) to help you get past the MOMENT. But you should also focus on getting help so this doesn't become a huge problem LATER. Most likely (as I know of), it's a control thing and not really about the food/weight as much as people would like to think. Like, being able to control your emotions and whatever else you feel like. Anyways. Please talk to somebody as soon as you can... A teacher/friend/school counselor/anybody you feel comfortable.

Let me know if you need anything, please.

<3


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Re: Puked for the first time - February 5th 2011, 04:54 AM

i know this is hurting my body. but thats kinda like what i want. as bad as that sounds. like my parents found out i cut so i stopped that cold turkey because i didnt want them seeing anything so i found new ways to control something in my life and hurt myself. i tried barely eating but tonight i felt like i didnt do good enough so i wanted it out of me. im going to therapy for the first time on tuesday because of the cutting. idk if ill mention the eating stuff yet because it is the first time and theres a lot to talk about :/ and i know im overweight. the doctor has told me. and its not a matter of just thinking i am. like im not a whale but its very obvious i have extra poundage. (thats like the best i describe it without using numbers). my stomach kinda hurts now but im just so confused in my head these days idk what to do anymore :/
   
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Re: Puked for the first time - February 5th 2011, 05:15 AM

I think we all get to a point like this in our lives (not necessarily doing those things though)... The important thing is learning how to cope. I'm so glad you're seeing a therapist right now. I also have to tell you that sometimes certain therapists don't work for certain people. It may take a few people to find one that you connect with, if you will. For the cutting, I completely understand there too. Both are sort of ways of dealing... But not healthy ways... Your therapist should help you find new and healthy ways of coping. I can't tell you how fast or slow to move with the therapist because everybody is different. I just think the sooner the better though (don't rush it- go with what YOU are comfortable with). If your doctor said you're overweight, maybe you can ask if you could get help losing weight? Although, I think it might be okay if you hold that off and try to get yourself into a safer emotional state. Even simple "diets" can also turn into EDs.

Sorry for jumping around a lot. I hope that made sense.

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Re: Puked for the first time - February 5th 2011, 05:29 AM

thanks it does make sense. i think my problem with healthy diets is that ppl can see that ur eating less and eating healthy. i dont want to publicly admit that i have a problem and that i need to loose weight. i have a few friends i talk to but they all seem to have been getting annoyed with me so i havent told them about the eating. im hoping the therapist thing works out. i really wanna change how i look and feel. but doing things my way right now its my only non-public way i know of. im extremely afraid of what people think of me thats why i dont want to go public because i feel like everyone will think "oh shes on diet because shes fat" i have a terrible self image and self esteem. thats why i find ways to punish myself. whether by cutting, or my new thing, eating problems :/

thanks for everything btw <3
   
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Re: Puked for the first time - February 6th 2011, 10:32 PM

Hey! Dieting doesn't always mean you don't eat less. You just need to eat smaller portioned, more frequent meals... Maybe about five or six, depending on what you need. And don't be ashamed of needing to lose weight. I know people that are trying to lose weight, but I don't think any differently of them. It's not like you're announcing it to the whole world (which I wouldn't recommend, because some people are mean). So I don't honestly see anybody making a fuss about it. Also, I must tell you... EVERYBODY makes judgments about other people- good AND bad. The problem is that a FEW people are vocal about it and don't care about other people's feelings. THOSE are the people you just need to say "screw you" to, not the average person.

"i really wanna change how i look and feel."

Erika, I think almost everybody in the world would change their looks if they could, to some degree. You CAN change the way you feel... It just won't come right away. And both of us know very well that cutting yourself doesn't solve anything. I used to have the same problem... Pretty badly. But I learned that I'm going to feel just as bad as I did before I cut, because the "good" feeling you get from it wears off pretty quickly. So. You're beautiful just the way you are. You're individual, unique, and a good person from what I can tell. Your friends that are getting annoyed with you? Well, a lot of times, people don't know what to do. People will react differently. Some will flip out, some will be like, "what the hell. I'm leaving."... Some will be supportive... Others will not. I suppose my point is, don't feel like you're annoying them, because you DON'T know how they feel. Still convinced they are? That's what your therapist is for. I promise, therapy will help you so much if you let it.

You're more than welcome.

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Re: Puked for the first time - February 7th 2011, 01:22 AM

thanks im nervously excited for therapy on tuesday because i really want to be like taught the ways to turn my life around. if that makes sense. and i know a lot of people diet and it shouldnt be that big of a deal but im such a private person for the most part that like even if i did loose weight i dont want it to be acknowledged. like i want to loose weight to make myself feel better but i dont want people telling me how good i look or how good im doing. idk. it really is a strange place in my head. and like ive apologized to the friends that i felt like i was annoying but they said its not a problem at all and not to worry about it but now im afraid to talk to them bout it again because im still afraid of pushing them over the edge and loosing them. i havent puked again since i wrote this thread but i sure as heck wanted to. ill feel like ive eaten too much and just want to go puke it out but i cant because im back at school. when i did puke i was at home, with a bathroom that i could hide in. at school its all public bathrooms so im trapped :/
   
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Re: Puked for the first time - February 10th 2011, 03:43 AM

Hm. Well, you will learn ways to cope and how to go about getting happier, but it's not going to come right away. I don't know if it would be a good thing for you, but a lot of times when you lose weight (healthily and not too much, of course), you get compliments... Unless you associate with extremely mean people, I'm sure nobody is going to make a big deal out of it. You say how you want to lose weight, yet you don't want to have it be noticeable? And how you're in a weird place? Those are the things you'll sort out with your therapist. Just be patient.

And see? I told you your friends probably weren't annoyed with you! Don't be afraid of talking to them... They're your friends, and friends will be there for you. And I'm very glad you didn't do it again! You've made it... Half a week (?) without it, so I'm sure you can keep going. But like they always say... Relapse doesn't make you a failure. It's part of the recovery process, typically. And I know about the public bathrooms! I stayed after school until REALLY late at night and did things in the bathroom and got caught by my friend. So yeah, no recommended, even at home. It's not worth it.


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Re: Puked for the first time - February 10th 2011, 04:42 AM

thanks and yea, despite the urges and the fact that i have the binge eating part of this, i havent puked since the day i posted so today (the 10th) will be day five. and yea the whole public bathroom sucks. im in a dorm at my college and the way my bathrooms work theres four rooms on both sides, 2 girls in each all sharing the one bathroom. thats 16 people to a 3 stall bathroom so at any hour of the night there seems to always be at least one other person in there with me :/ haha it sucks but at least it keeps me from puking.
   
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Re: Puked for the first time - February 24th 2011, 08:58 PM

Erika,

I know I am a bit late, but I figured I could add something to this. I can understand what you are going through. When I was bulimic, throwing up felt like a "high" to me. I felt better about myself too, but at the same time.. I still felt like crap. Bulimia is not something you should do. Your throat hurts because of the acid. I obtained acid reflux and ulcers from Bulimia. I can hardly swallow my food anymore (I haven't purged in over a year), so these are permanent things.

Bulimia can turn into an addiciton. Just like cutting. The reason being, is because it all stems from depression. The reasons are the same. I think that it is really good that you have a therapist. The most important thing for you to do is be honest and open with everyone involved (including yourself). There are many different ways to cope, and feel better about yourself. Healthier. You just have to believe that, and try your hardest to do it.

So, you haven't puked in 15 days. That's wonderful! When you get the urges to do this, try to do things to distract yourself. Relapses occur sometimes, but I believe that you are strong enough to fight it! you should create a solid support system that can be helpful, and encouraging to you.

OH! One more thing! If you are looking for inspirational content to recover, or want to add your own, I highly suggest checking out our Positive books, songs, quotes, and more for ED Recovery! thread.

Take care, and stay safe.
-Lynds<3


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