Triggering: I started again

[Kaitlin]

For a few months I hadn't purged at all, but all it took was the wrong movie at the wrong time and here I am for the second night throwing up. Part of me really wants to stop but the other part doesn't. What keeps making it worse is, I have a couple health problems, ulcer, period irregularity/loss, and acid re-flux which, although I don't know for sure, could be because of my on and off sessions of purging. But, it could also be because I'm so unhealthy and fat, which is what my mother attributes it to everytime I try to talk to her. I know she could be right but all it makes me do is want to throw up again, and then I worry I'm going to completely ruin any good parts left on/in my body. Which is why I finally made myself stop, I got tired of fighting with myself and waking up with stomach pains and since I stopped my stomach pains mostly have to, but the acid reflux comes and goes, which causes me to end up throwing up anyways sometimes. But anyway, the point of my rant is I'm just so confused about what it means for me now that I've started again. I'm embarrassed, I'm embarrassed I do it, and I'm embarrassed I don't even do it right to be called bulimia, I've done it on and off for three years, usually for a week or two a month and then I'll stop for awhile or start again. But I don't think I'd ever be diagnosed with an eating disorder, so I don't want to try to get help. I'll just be the fat girl who pukes every now and then and manages to fail at it.

[Revolution]

Have you seen a doctor about the symptoms your eating disorder is causing you? I would highly recommend you to a professional about all of this.
Here are some Alternatives to Self Harm. These help a lot with purging or any moments you need to cope with eating disorder urges. I would also recommend you do some exercises for grounding yourself, or centering yourself, calming yourself down and getting back in the moment. This could be yoga, deep breathing, counting exercises, realizing you have control and that you decide your own fate. Some of these are on a forum thread I recently made for coping mechanisms for eating disorders.
I hope these helped.