What do I do

[escape_thereal_world]

I've had some issues here and there in the past with ED in general - just not happy with my body, skipping meals occasionally, began exercising excessively for a month or so, etc.

Nothing like lately though. The past couple months have been the worst I've ever been. I get hungry but I don't eat. I just ignore it. Until I get dizzy or pass out. Then I eat. And when I eat, I binge. By binge, I mean I eat so much I feel sick afterward. I eat and eat...then repeat the process. Recently though - the past week - I can't eat. I feel dizzy, I've passed out a couple times, and I attempt to eat. But I can't. It's like my stomach just won't let me. I get full and sick and bloated with a few bites of food.

And somehow, through all of this...I've still barely lost weight. Nobody knows how bad it is. I've been trying to tell my boyfriend, but I always change the subject at the last second. Same with my counselor.

Jeff ,boyfriend, always makes fat jokes - though he's not trying to be mean at all. He knows I struggle a wee bit with weight issues, but he doesn't know I've been starving myself. He makes jokes and laughs and sometimes I tell him that went too far so he apologizes and feels bad.

But it's like he just doesn't see how much it affects me. I see pictures of girls who are bones....and instead of saying "Oh my god, I don't want to look like that"....I think "I want to look like that".

Help. Please.

[Peppermint Tea.♥]

Hey Kelly,

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's really tough, especially when no one else can tell that there's a problem.

I definitely think this is something to bring up with your counselor. Since you say you've been finding it hard to speak about, how about trying to write it all down? Sit somewhere quiet and think about what you want to write. Make sure you have written everything you want to say and then seal it in an envelope. Then, next time you see your counselor, give it to him. This method has really helped me in the past.

It sounds like your boyfriend does love you, so perhaps try the same method with him if you're finding it hard talking face to face. Let him know how you've been feeling because it might really help you to have his support.

Obviously eating disorders are horrible things to get into so it's important that you get help now, while you're still thinking straight. Just acknowledging that it is a problem is an achievement so well done.

I'm always here if you need someone to talk/rant to. x

[Heartlines.]

Hey there,

I know what you're going through. I know how it feels to be so stressed or so insecure that you want to starve yourself/binge/purge/etc. Perhaps the reason why you've fallen back to this within the last few months is because you're stressed out, or something is bugging you. With Eating disorders, people tend to revert back to them when they feel they need to grab hold of something..or when life is too difficult to manage/control. My suggestion to you is that you make a list of all the things that make you happy.. then go and do them. Like for me, photography. Photography is something I enjoy, and like to do when I'm stressed out. Maybe when you're feeling triggered or stressed, you can do something to distract yourself.

I don't know what your relationship with Jeff is like, but you should let him in. You two seem to have gone through a lot with each other, so talk to him. I'm sure he will listen and support you if you say how serious this is..or how much it bugs you. I also think you should tell him how it hurts you when he makes jokes about your weight. Ask him if he will stop, because it obviously effects you. While he may only be joking, jokes hurt. And it's best you don't become the subject of his jokes. Talking to someone you're super close to can be really hard. I completely, 100% understand.. but try. I know easier said then done..but you deserve someone to listen to you. You deserve help. And you deserve support. I truly believe that Jeff can provide that for you.

Also, I know that you like your counselor. I've heard you mention that he is great about things. Which is good! Maybe you could let him in too. He can provide support and help for you that you couldn't get on your own. It's scary at first to talk about, but it gets easier. Why not try writing out your emotions and handing it to him? That's how I communicated with my counselor.. and it truly helped. It's such a relief when people finally know. Because we spend so much time fighting support and help (whether we mean to or not), that it's gets tiring..and when someone finally knows, part of us is relieved. I suggest you try talking to him, lovely. He's there to help. And so is Jeff.

Take care<3

[Dr.Bobby]

Hi Kelly,

Let's separate your Jeff from your doc. Same issue, two different approaches. two vastly different expectations.

What you're struggling with is a therapy issue, it requires the kind of in depth examination and treatment only a professional can provide. It's Ok to share with anyone of your choice what's going on for you, of course, but the expectation is different (and less) when the purpose in sharing is more informational (or limited, like support) rather than seeking something's that they really can't provide. Therapy might be 'just' the talking cure, but who you talk to makes a huge difference! All talk is not equal....

So, perhaps your reluctance to talk with Jeff is that you're expecting too much, and maybe you're thinking you have to tell him everything? (or vice versa). Maybe it would be easier if you just told him you didn't appreciate the fat jokes and wanted him to stop.

The other issues, the nuts and bolts of what you struggle with should be addressed with your therapist. If you're uncomfortable doing that (why?), then you can start by saying "I have some things to talk about, but can't" and talk about the resistance. Once removed, it should be easier to address the underlying issues.

[escape_thereal_world]

I let Jeff read this. He said we should make an eating schedule and I'm not fat, nor has he ever thought so (which I knew). He also wants to help me with my self-esteem. Thank you all for the help, support, and advice.

More is welcome. Though I think getting the encouragement from you all to tell Jeff is the push I needed to catch this in the butt before it gets too much worse.

Counselor...I don't know. Maybe. Jeff said he definitely wants me to if the schedule doesn't help.