Triggering: Please help me.

[bayhorse321]

Okay I know this is very stupid in just about every way possible. okay so I am a self harmer who has been struggling for over 4 years. I have been working so hard to stop but anyways on to the stuff I want help currently with. I have been throwing up my food everytime I eat for about 2 months now if not 3. I find that now I hate food. I don't want to see it, smell it, or eat it. When I do eat it I find that no matter what I do my body makes me feel like purging. I feel sick everytime. I know I shouldn't do it and honestly it's nasty. It just makes me feel gross. I have lost (edited)lbs since September. I love the weight loss just idk why or what I'm doing it for. I haven't Been cutting as much but the problem is that I have found a new way to harm myself. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[bayhorse321]

I am sorry. Didn't know about that rule. I do appoligise.

[_sunsets64.]

First of all, it's not stupid, and neither are you. Part of it is that you're not respecting yourself--not your body (because of the cutting and purging) and not your mind or your decisions (because you're calling yourself stupid). We all make mistakes, even those that we know we shouldn't. The point is, you're trying to learn and grow from those mistakes and you're trying to help yourself, which is huge, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for that .

My friend recently went through this (although I didn't know until after because my mom likes to hide everything from me), so I can give you some advice, but obviously not the best. Firstly, though, give yourself a hug and tell yourself that you're an incredible and beautiful person (trust me, it really does help even though it sounds corny ). The next thing you should know is that this can become serious very quickly, but you can heal yourself as you sound willing to do. My suggestion is to go to your doctor, your counselor, or anyone else you trust who can give you medical advice and make sure that the weight loss and the lack of nutrients isn't harming your health.
Here's an article, too, that might help: (www) .webmd.com/mental-health/bulimia-nervosa/bulimia-nervosa-treatment-overview

Stay strong! I'm here to talk if you ever need it

[bayhorse321]

I am very uh unsure I guess. I can't stand when I eat food. Like I hate it. Everytime I eat anything besides drinking water I want to purge. It's bad but its an everyday thing now. I just need to change myself.

[_sunsets64.]

Sorry, what are you unsure of?

[picturemesarah]

im being a hypocrite, because i struggle with purging as well (and limiting). but all i can tell you is that you need to find foods that you can eat without feeling absolutely disgusting after. then surround yourself by family and friends and put yourself into situations that you will not be able to purge in. Slowly start eating other foods until you eat normally again. so many things can go wrong when you purge, not only from the purging but bulimia usually leads to self harm and seeing as you already struggle with this you will probably just go right back to it. i know you like the weigh your losing but when you start gaining again (you will, trust me. sometimes even eating nothing is not enough) everything just gets worse and worse. right now your at a high point and if you dont stop soon everything is just going to come crashing down. please, please stop this. your beautiful and you dont need it. Lose weight the healthy way. get out before you cant anymore,

[bayhorse321]

Im going to try. That's all I can promise. With the self harm relapsing is immanent just like with this and more. Just relapsed a few nights ago. I feel that it's wrong to do and as someone in the medical field I should know better. I Know I shouldn't and even know some consequences of these very actions but when I do them I just don't care. I need to stop being this way and care what happens to me. Thanks for your help.

[Heartlines.]

Hey there,

I'm really glad you decided to come to Teen Help with this issue. To actually ask for help shows a lot of strength on your part. :]

Let me start by saying that when your body is so used to doing something, it's going to start to automatically do it. So, you spent a fair amount of time making yourself throw up. Now, every time you eat, your body is going to automatically do that, because it thinks it has to. Your brain is a creature of habit. When you do something so much, it tends to be edged into your brain. You probably have convinced yourself that food is gross and bad. So now, your brain it reacting towards that. It's the same effect as telling yourself that you're beautiful everyday. After so long of doing that, you're going to really believe that you are. Does this make sense?

I don't know if you know the health risks associated with Bulimia, but I think it's worth mentioning. Even if you do know the health risks, still read this. :P I battled Bulimia for a good five and a half years. As a result, I didn't lose weight. Instead of what I wanted, I got what I DIDN'T want. I have ulcers in my esophogus, a narrow esophogus, stomach acid, etc. Something you have to know, the longer you suffer from this, the more damage it can do to your body. As far as effects go, Bulimia can cause brain damage. This would mean:

-Difficulty concentrating
-Substance abuse
-Trouble with decision making
-Suicidal Tendencies
-Depression/anxiety
-Self harm

Now, some of this will go away with recovery, but some of it won't. And if you ask me, it's just not worth it. To go through all of that, just to have a perfect body. And that's not even all that can happen. Take a look at this website. Specifically the diagram of how bulimia effects your body. http://helpguide.org/mental/bulimia_..._treatment.htm

Ordinarily, I would tell you that if you really want to lose weight, to do it the healthy way. But seeing as you can't even look/eat food without being sick, eating healthy might be pretty impossible at this point. And I'm not going to suggest exercising when your nutrition is lacking and all hay wire. So what I WILL suggest is that you talk to a doctor. Get your parents involved so that they can help you. A doctor can help you get on the right track to be healthy again. And to be honest, that should be your aim. But really, you really have to want the help for it to work. If you don't it won't. Simply. You have to put 100% into recovery. Because no one can do it for you.

But in order to have a successful recovery, you have to have a healthy support system. Try to think of who can help you get through this. Your parents? Friends? Teachers? Family? Guidance counselor? I think it would be worth getting a counselor. Because while bulimia may seem like a surfaced issue, it's very internal. And add cutting, there is obviously issues that you need to work through that are driving you to these bad habits. Try to surround yourself with the utmost positivity. Because thinking/surrounding yourself with negative thoughts just won't work. It's going to take a lot of effort on your part, but I know you can do this.

Keep fighting, dear. You're worth it. <3

Much love,
-L.

[bayhorse321]

Yeah I should but I already talked to my counselor at school about cutting and she told my mom. Now she treats me weird and I don't think I can bare the thought of her knowing anything else. my question is this, is what I do considered an eating disorder at all or idk what it is.

[Heartlines.]

Yeah, I suppose. Maybe try talking to your mom about how you need her support. And treating you weirdly isnt helping.

As for your question, we can't diagnose you on teen help. Go see a doctor.

[bayhorse321]

I know you can't. I guess I was hoping for your thoughts but all anyone says is go see a doctor. Oh well. I will be fine. I don't think it's a disorder because I don't do it every time I eat.

[_sunsets64.]

I know everyone keeps telling you this and I know you don't want to, but PLEASE go see a doctor! Even if it's not an eating disorder, it can still be harmful to your health to lose a lot of weight quickly, especially if it's by not eating, and throwing up can cause your teeth deteriorate because of the acid. The doctor's office is confidential, so you don't have to tell your mom if you don't want to, but please please at least talk to your doctor so that you can take care of yourself.

[bayhorse321]

I also have no insurance and no income. I can't see a doctor without money and for money I would have to involve my mom and trust me when I say that, that is a horrible Idea. Not only will she get super angry at having to pay but it will be a million times worse when she finds out what for. trust me I went through it with the self harm. I am not ready.

[_sunsets64.]

I'm sorry, I didn't realize, but I know what you mean, it sucks... do you think you could talk to the nurse at your school? if not, do you know if there is a free clinic at a hospital or doctor's office near you that you could go to?
sorry if i'm being annoying, i just think you'd feel better if you talked to someone with a professional opinion too, you wouldn't have to worry or wonder if you had an eating disorder and you could get help if you did and relax if you didn't.

[bayhorse321]

You aren't annoying. It's true the things you all say. I wanted opinions and whether good or bad I asked for them. I don't knOw of a free clinic but I also haven't looked. I think that's my next step. While I do not want to gain I don't want the future problems. I guess I'm just trying to figure this out. Stressing is an understatement but loosing has become sort of an obsession so I think it's time.

[Heartlines.]

Seeing as you're 18, you don't HAVE to tell your mom. I hadn't realized that when I first posted.
Right now, I'm in counseling. I have no insurance. But I signed up for a financial assistance plan. And right now, I get 24 sessions free (otherwise 40 dollars), up to 425 dollars worth of meds free a month, free inpatient treatment, etc. Most places for counseling will bill off of what's called a sliding fee scale. What it is, basically you fill out a form about your income and what not. Then, based on that, they can lower the cost of each counseling session. Some doctors' are like that too. Worth a try. Good luck!

[bayhorse321]

It is worth a try. I have no income at all as I quit my job for various reasons. I am a CNA but can't work anywhere as such because I have to be graduated and have half a year left of high school. I think I might try and talk to my school counselor. I know she can't really help but she knows about my self harm so idk maybe she can help too.