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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
gymnastxxLeah Offline
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so ... i'm back to square one . - April 12th 2012, 12:53 AM

i'm back to purging.

i guess thats enough said . but i REFUSE to ask for help! i just wont do it.

so i guess... anyone whos considering throwing up their breakfat or lunch or dinner or whatever . dont do it. just dont even TRY it. just dont EVER do it .

just ... dont try it . please dont. dont hate yourself. dont stare at yoursel in the mirror and cry for an hour. dont puke and then weigh yourself and puke weigh etc . dont get this. sore throat all the time and dehydration headaches and gross teeth and trust me, you'll smell like CRAP ! all the time . i have to carry perfume around with me and spray myself every hour or so so no one smells my disgusting-ness .

just dont end up like me .


I wanna fly. So I do gymnastics instead.

I'll just keep holding on to what i believe and oh I believe in you. Give me the strength for the fight and the heart to believe cause I've got to believe in you. I feel so alive.

PeacewithImperfection
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Harlequin. Offline
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Re: so ... i'm back to square one . - April 12th 2012, 10:30 AM

Hi again Leah,

To quote Lynds (Willow.) from another post:
Quote:
Recovery isn't a happy dappy little road to the pot of the road at the end of the rainbow. It takes a lot of hard work and effort. There are going to bad days. And good days. Everyone has bad days. But don't let that get you down! You're worth recovery.
I know you can beat this Leah. I know you can win this. It can feel like there's no hope, it can feel like things can't can any worse. You sound like you're going through hell- but trust me, you're just at the start of the hellish journey. If you continue doing this, it will get worse. Eating disorders always do in my experience.

I'm going to tell you about my "light bulb" moment. The moment I decided recovery was worth it. I was just sitting at the dinner table, 2 hours into another fight, parents crying, me screaming, my little brother just sitting watching me. And then he said something which registered:
"If you don't eat you die. You'll leave me."

Of course I knew that already. I knew exactly what would happen. But somehow hearing it from a 7 year old's mouth changed those words. And I also realized another thing: I had no choice in the matter. No one will sit back and watch you starve Leah. You will be admitted to hospital. And they'll just feed you up there. Then you'll be let out, and you might relapse, lose the weight all over again. But what's the point? You either eat at home, eat at a hospital, eat at a clinic. Eating isn't an option.

Even if you don't tell anyone, the likelihood of someone finding out is high, very high. Your body can't do this forever, YOU can't do this forever. It sucks, it's horrible, it's hell. I know. If I could take this away from you now, trust me I would in a flash. Leah you need help. Whether you tell someone, or whether you let them find out themselves is something I can't influence, can't make you decide. But the longer this goes on, the longer & the harder it is to recover. I don't want this to happen to you. You deserve better than this horrible illness.

You were doing brilliantly. I know you can do that again. But you deserve someone to help you, to support you. Of course, we're always always here for you. But again, I'm going to advise you to tell someone about all this. It's a massive load to be carrying on your shoulders alone. Why not "accidentally" leave your computer open at this post, for someone to see? Anyway you can think of telling them, whatever's easiest for you.

I believe in you. Take care,

Laura



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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
gymnastxxLeah Offline
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Re: so ... i'm back to square one . - April 12th 2012, 11:51 AM

... i think i am goig to go to my counselor today... and just flat out say "i purge. what can we do about it?" but i am so terrified ... i dont know if i even want help! i dont know if i WANT to stop... i know i did, but im not sure anymore. i'm thinking maybe i dont. maybe i'll just keep doing it in secret.

but i dont want my teeth to rot. i dont want my entire body to hurt ALL the time because i do it so much and often . i purge up to 15 times a day ! thats WAY too many. and i just... i dont wanna die from this! i was so depressed last year. attempted suicide. and failed. but now that i've seen what could happen if i choose to stay, i dont want to die anymore! and i still get suicidal thoughts but i NEVER act on them. but maybe the purging IS acting on them. i dont want this to control my life.


I wanna fly. So I do gymnastics instead.

I'll just keep holding on to what i believe and oh I believe in you. Give me the strength for the fight and the heart to believe cause I've got to believe in you. I feel so alive.

PeacewithImperfection
   
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Harlequin. Offline
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Re: so ... i'm back to square one . - April 12th 2012, 12:19 PM

Hi again Leah

It sounds like you've got a solid plan in place- well done! Don't think about anything further forward than this appointment. I think blurting it out is probably the easiest option, and it was what I did.

A small part of you wants help. The part of you that is YOU and not this illness. Eating Disorders are sneaky, they take over your thoughts and you can't tell what you want and what it wants. YOU want to get better. Your ED doesn't want that.

I know you can do it Leah! Let me know how you get on, I'm thinking of you and sending hugs your way!



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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
gymnastxxLeah Offline
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Re: so ... i'm back to square one . - April 12th 2012, 08:40 PM

so ... i walk into school today. told my friends i'd talk with them later... and then went straight to my counselor. i blurted it out... and . . .

SHE DIDNT BELIEVE ME ! said i was a good kid and that i shouldn't have to look for attention this way ! she sent me to class an didnt say much else about it other than "dont do anything stupid for attention. it could ruin your whole life." !! UGH this IS ruining my whole life !!! and she didnt freaking believe me !!!


I wanna fly. So I do gymnastics instead.

I'll just keep holding on to what i believe and oh I believe in you. Give me the strength for the fight and the heart to believe cause I've got to believe in you. I feel so alive.

PeacewithImperfection
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
Harlequin. Offline
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I've been here a while
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Re: so ... i'm back to square one . - April 13th 2012, 08:43 AM

Leah,

I am so so so sorry your counselor reacted like that. Quite frankly, I'm extremely shocked, and very annoyed at her (even though I don't know her). Unfortunately, a lot of people don't understand ED's- although it makes sense to those who experience it, it doesn't make sense to anyone else.

I know it's so hard, but you have to tell someone else. You have to, please Leah, I don't want you to give up hope. Either do that, or go back to your counselor and reiterate how much you're struggling. Tell her you're serious, you have a problem, and you NEED her help. You could also tell a trusted teacher if you find it easier than having to tell your parents.

She mustn't be trained in dealing with Eating Disorders. Go to your doc and say the same thing. He or she will be able to help, a lot better than your counselor.

I'm sorry you've had to go through this Leah. Some people can be extremely ignorant unfortunately. I wish you the best of luck. Head up, stay strong, you're worth this.

-Laura



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Re: so ... i'm back to square one . - April 14th 2012, 07:57 AM

Like Laura, I am actually shocked at her response. My only advice would be to go to a counsellor who is experienced in Eating Disorders, clearly she isn't and gosh I have never even spoken to you before, I don't know your story but that FRUSTRATES me that she said that.

People just don't get it! Who would purge for attention!!!? Not me, not you...not anyone!

Hope you can get this sorted and get a proper support team because she is useless.

Take Care!


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