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Michy_Blackrose Offline
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Exclamation Accepting My Alcoholism - May 9th 2012, 01:00 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of substance use, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

This is very, very difficult for me to write and admit, but it may potentially help me and others in doing so, so i decided to.

I started abusing alcohol and smoking at 15, and other drugs at 16, which seems like quite a while back now, but really, not as long as it seems on paper/in text.


I started with drinking on Friday nights, then with an ex, and it spiralled from there. My reasons initially were to chill out, and I was always more of a lone drinker, but I still clearly remember my first time 'stealing' alcohol at home when i was about 15. It was red wine, and I only drank 1/4, but it knocked me out. And so, I had my 'Eureka!' moment then. I've had huge family problems, dealt with different kinds of abuse from my mother (physical, emotional and mental when younger, becoming most prominent at 7, without going into my whole life story) and in that moment, before sleeping for 2 hours afterward, I realised i'd found my 'escape'.

Since that point, as I said, things spiralled, and I ended up drinking spirit mixers (screwdrivers, mainly) and whiskey and coke on a daily basis. I drank a lot, wine, beer, spirits, the lot. It stopped being about the escape from problems, and started being the main focus, the main problem. My main focus. I ended up with a Drugs and Alcohol service for my borough, and worked up toward Rehab. I was also dealing with daily chronic cannabis smoking too, to give me a changeup from the drink, and snorting/ingesting other recreational drugs too, as well as abusing some of my medications such as benzodiazepines for my mental disorders, and Codipar (codeine and paracetamol) tablets for acute period pain (I have POS). The police ended up coming round on numerous ocassions as the neighbours were worried about me, and the amount of visits to the ER were triple-fold, when I added alcohol and pills into the mix, to weather my emotional and mental pain (I'm a Borderline Depressive).


I chose to forego rehab as I couldn't adhere to their rule of a week's sobriety (Ironic i know, but there are reasons for it) and decided to be a 'recreational' drinker. I was also in and out of AA for a number of my later teenage years, as I realised I had a problem, though that was difficult to see in my own self, in some ways. Blackouts were a daily occurence, my education suffered hugely, and I got to a point I just couldn't stop for a long enough period of time, but couldn't carry on, either. I was killing myself, and everyone around could see it, but knew that the alternatives, the SI and Depressive/BPD episodes without a crutch could, paradoxically, be worse without the substances. It was a very difficult time for my dad especially, because apart from the emotional stress it caused him, I also drained all of his financial resources for alcohol, mainly.

My body and mind began to deteriorate, after about 5 solid years of abusing my body with various substances. I went through a very tough, very mentally dark time last year seeing doctors at almost all the hospitals in the city, and without realising it, (i'd suffered the anguish of Alcohol Withdrawal a few times before that) I was going through a very harsh cold-turkey withdrawal, whilst my gastro-problems eluded the medics who tried to 'help'. Nothing was physically wrong with my organs, but the synapses and connections in my brain had been so compromised due to alcohol and chronic cannabis abuse, that everything started to shut down, or that's what it felt like at least, and I ended up a physically anorexic mess, as I ended up foregoing food for alcohol and drugs, in the end.

I've dragged myself back to relative health, but i still contend with a few gastro issues, that will hopefully resolve in time.

But recently, due to romantic stressors, I started smoking tobacco again, and drinking alcohol. It started small, i thought I could manage it, but I'm realising I can't. So I think i need to admit, and gain a point of acceptance, in the fact that I am an addict and Alcoholic. I'm going back to AA with a best friend who has similar issues, too, and I hope it helps.

I no longer touch drugs, or pure spirits, but the slip-back is still happening.

I'd appreciate your own experiences with this, and support.


Sorry it's such a long post, but it's been an ongoing issue for me, for years.

Michy.


And I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became.


<3

Last edited by Michy_Blackrose; May 9th 2012 at 01:13 PM.
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Re: Accepting My Alcoholism - May 9th 2012, 06:36 PM

Hey there. I am an alcoholic too. I cannot even go near the stuff anymore (not even in the same room) because it is too tempting to go back to old habits. It is a really rough road, but stay strong. Remember why you are sober, and don't let this slip-up affect you too much.


Hamid: What's that?
Rambo: It's blue light.
Hamid: What does it do?
Rambo: It turns blue.
   
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Michy_Blackrose Offline
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Re: Accepting My Alcoholism - May 9th 2012, 07:43 PM

Thanks for replying MOP, you must know how difficult that can be too

I realise I need to start getting sober again, and facing that yet another time is really daunting.

M.


And I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became.


<3
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