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At Risk For Abusing - January 31st 2016, 01:29 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of substance use, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I don't have an active problem with substances or alcohol, I barely drink and only time I use any form of substances is prescription pain killers.

A little back story: When I was a teenager I overdosed and was in the hospital for 5 days, since then I stay away from OTC (over the counter) pain relief. I am always scared I will abuse like I did then because my organs were on the brisk of failure.

I am on pain killers that are strong (there not the strongest pain relief out there, which I've been on before, over a year ago) which makes me feel dizzy, head lighted, and generally ill. They work to defeat the pain, so I am pain free, with very little pain left. It does take the medication up to two hours to fully take away the pain. I've found after maybe 3-4 hours after taking the medication, I feel sorta high and ill, dizzy, and head lighted. I try not to take the medication when I have things to do, when I do I ensure I am on the couch for the day watching TV, Netflix or CraveTV. I know for many pain killers make people sleepy and tired, for me pain killers tend to make me awake. Over a year ago I was put on a heavy duty pain killer (something lighter than what I was on at the hospital) but my body processed it as a sugar pill, friends asked why I wasn't asleep or why I was still in pain. Found out, whatever they gave me my body doesn't process it as a drug. (I've been on other pain killers which don't have that full effect of taking the pain away.)

Anyways, I am on this medication which actually helps me but it causes problems, the head lightness, dizzy, and feeling ill; I've tried eating food, drinking fluids, resting, not moving, laying down, and the symptoms are present no matter what I do... but it helps the pain.

I go to a pain clinic every 6-8 weeks and see my Pain Doctor, he is such a great support, he explains things in away that makes sense. I've expressed this concern to him, but said its not too bad as long as I am at home and relaxing (cause it's not interfering with my life really) and we've discussed other ways to relieve pain. I don't always take my pain medication when I am in sever pain, I try other things first. I do deep breathing, laying down for a nap, taking a shower/bath, drinking tea/water, or distracting myself with a game or TV show/movie, I've even did some physical exercise while in pain like walking, or playing with my dog.

When my pain happens it's like the end of the world for me, I am crumbled and I don't want to do anything. On the other hand I also don't want to use pain killers to maintain my symptoms anymore because I fear I may abuse all over again (which I expressed with my Pain Doctor) and last week I did overdose and it seemed no one actually bothered to do anything about it when I was at the Pain Clinic (I didn't see my Pain Doctor, saw a different doctor) and I've threatened to overdose since then to my counselor and to myself. I should have went to the hospital because that morning I threw up and barely fell, it took about a day and half to two days for me to go back to normal functioning.

I am at a loss right now because I feel I am at a higher risk of abusing all over again because I feel my pain is being ignored by health professionals, I am desperate for relief. I can't seem to find that balance anymore.

I also need to pick up more of the pain killers in a few days, and I have abused OTC medication in between but it's only twice a month or three time a month.

I am just scared I will fall into this very very dark place.
Any advice or suggestions would be very helpful and much appreciated.


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